Friday, February 28, 2014

Can I Have A Bite?

Everyone blames diet for childhood obesity. While important, the truth is that America's youth is fat because Phys-Ed (Physical Education) was taken out of schools. Combine this with cell phone mentality and the result is obvious.

In a televised discussion today, the panel was discussing the pros and cons of a healthier new menu being introduced in schools. One of the problems with the new menu was that children were not eating it and ended up skipping lunch, purchasing food from machines or going off campus to eat.

The only panel member that seem to understand the problem, brought up the subject that the schools went from the old menu to the new menu in one fell swoop. He suggested that the menu should have been changed gradually. While I agree, the problem is not caused solely by diet.

When I was in school, Phys-Ed was required every day. Moreover, almost everyone I knew enjoyed it. What we overlooked was that the exercises required before playing football or softball was keeping all of us in shape.

Importantly, cell phones didn't exist, so after chores and homework, most kids were outside playing. If you got thirsty, you drank water from the nearest garden hose and the games went on.

I don't recall seeing very many people in my school being overweight. When I view children arriving or leaving schools today, I'd say that up to half of them are overweight.

I'm somewhat incredulous that the subject of re-introducing Phys-Ed in schools to combat obesity never seems to be addressed, but that's just me.....

The News As I See It: This week Obama told his supporters that they are doing God's work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, "Whoa, there! Obamacare.....that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess."

The supermarkets are selling something called "vegan burgers." Really? It's an oxymoron - unless they're burgers made from vegans. Taste the smug superiority!

Now that President Viktor Yanukovych’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they've found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.

A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently he's talking about a Target store I have never been to.

In California, the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.

A Florida man tattooed a spider on his face in an attempt to overcome his arachnophobia, which is a fear of spiders. The tattoo should also help him overcome his fear of employment.

Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he'll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.

This Date In History: 1953; James Watson and Francis Crick described their theory that two DNA strands were coiled in a double helix. 2014; Jimmy's Journal sets a new precedent in journalism by actually adding additional information to "This Date In History" because the author had never seen a day where only one thing happened.

Picture Of The Day: "Don't look now but there's a group of Republicans coming our way."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The "eye roll" was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam. 2) I call Realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule. 3) (Girlfriend): "You're cute when you're drunk" (Me): "You're cute when I'm drunk too." 4) How can so many people have this thought: "I'm going pretty bald on the top of my head, but at least I've got this bitchin' ponytail?" 5) If your girlfriend says she's going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall, you might be dating my ex-wife.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 28th: The best you could ever really hope for will appear to you today in a daydream. Although this vision may appear to look like you, the truth is even more frightening. You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you get to hear the really good part.

Birthdays: My friend June - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Michel de Montaigne, essayist 1533, Rene Antoine Ferchault de Reaumu,r physicist and naturalist 1683, Mary Lyon, educator 1797, Ben Hecht, writer 1894, Bugsy Siegel, mobster 1906, Zero Mostel, actor 1915, Mario Andretti, auto racing driver 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then, the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

She guessed, "Is it wine?" The boy replied, "No." She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" The little boy said, "No, it's a puppy!"

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

The director says, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow.....!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

The stranger asked the owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner replied, "Yep, that’s him."

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. He said, "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, everybody kept tripping over him."

That's it for today, my little hamburglars. Remember, the difference between a gun and your mother-in-law is that you can buy a silencer for a gun. I'm gonna slide over to AREA 51 for happy hour/

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sometimes I Wonder How These Idiots Get Elected

There's a bad case of the "Dumb-Ass" passing all over America. I firmly believe that the original carriers (aside from Barry Obama) were Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters and Debbie Wasserman Schulz. The most recent example is neatly tucked deep in Obamacare. It requires all restaurants with at least 20 locations to list nutritional information alongside each and every item on their menu.

That edict is now creating headaches for small business owners across the country, particularly pizza chains. Take Domino's. There are 34 million different pizza combinations available at the chain, when all crusts and cheeses and toppings are factored in. Now imagine walking into a Domino's and navigating a menu board with 34 million different options on it.

This is the problem with Obamacare. It was hastily prepared with questionable promises to Democrats or states that got on board and passed in the middle of the night. I assure you that not one of the congressional voters ever read the bill which has been evident since day one.

Moreover, Obama knowingly lied to America with the promise that "If you like..." and the rest has been obvious. Obama's lies have earned more Pinocchio awards than anyone else.

With the coming 2016 election, you can expect more of the same. When anyone was opposed to Obama, they were called "racists". If Hillary is elected and you disagree with her, you can bet your ass you'll be called sexist. What's next....a gay goat for president?

The News As I See It: The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. It may also hurt their chances of hosting the Tony Awards.

The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. They said they played like their lives were on the line because their lives were on the line.

Jason Collins became the first openly gay player to play in an NBA game. He also became the first NBA player not being pursued by a woman for child support. Now he can move onto his next goal — becoming the Nets first openly good player.

CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out. Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be "coming back." He's been living under the desk for the last three years.

The brassiere turns 100 years old this week and so does everyone who still calls it a brassiere.

A spelling bee in Missouri was forced to shut down on Saturday because it ran out of words for the final two contestants to spell. A nearby reporter said to the organizers, “You know, someone published a big book with all the words in it.”

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from exile on the island of Elba. 1870; A 312-ft long pneumatic subway was opened in New York City; funding for a larger version never materialized. 1901; Leaders of the Boxer Uprising in China, Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu, were beheaded.

1919; Grand Canyon National Park was established. 1935; RADAR (Radio Detection and Ranging) was first demonstrated by Robert Watson-Watt. 1993; A bomb exploded at the World Trade Center in New York. The blast killed six people and injured more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: The sights of America.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. 2) Apparently, airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane. 3) I woke up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbor's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving. 4) Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread? 5) You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident. My ex-mother-in-law wears a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on her.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 26th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: My friends Paige and Pepa - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Victor Hugo, writer 1802, Levi Strauss, entrepreneur, inventor 1829, Buffalo Bill Cody, American Plainsman 1846, John Harvey Kellogg, surgeon, advocate of dietary reform 1852, Johnny Cash, singer 1932, Jenny Thompson, swimmer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Tommy for his contribution to today's stories.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy and says, "Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

His father replies, "That's absolutely amazing. How do I get him in that program?" The boy says, "Just send him down here with $1,000. I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. His father says, "So how's Ole Blue doing, son? The boy replied, "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!"

His father exclaims, "Read?! No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" The boy replies, " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

The boy says, "Dad, I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

 The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" His son says, "I sure did, Dad!" The father replies, "That's my boy!"

A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CBS. What's your name?" The old man replied, "Morris Feinberg."

She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years." The journalist responded, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests and I pray that everyone will be happy."

The reporter asked him, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man turned and said, "Like I'm talking to a f**king wall"

That's it for today, my little garlic bagels. Remember, you can easily avoid drastic bodily harm by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, February 24, 2014

Junior Wins The Daytona 500

Seeing Dale Jr leading the pack with a handful of laps to go made me think, "Maybe this time." Then, as if by Nascar script, some also-ran crashed and there we was going to be a "Green-White-Checkered" finish.

Dale had dominated the race while leading, so I'm already in strategy mode to figure how to win the race. Twelve hours earlier, the race had begun. Then, typical February weather kicked in and we were under a 6 hour rain delay.

During the clean-up after the also-ran wreck, everyone was analyzing what would happen. Suddenly, it seemed like the racing gods had dealt "Little E" another piece of bad luck when he inadvertently ran over a piece of "Two hundred mph" tape used to repair crashed cars.

Trash on the grill can be removed if you move the race car close to the next car's back bumper and create a vacuum. In Dale Jr's case, he was the leader, so theoretically, all he had to do was snuggle up to the pace car. It wasn't going to happen. The sticky tape would not come off and Dale Jr was just going to have to live with it.

The accident that occurred with seven laps to go was triggered by pole-sitter Austin Dillon, driving the No. 3 (Earnhardt's father's number making its return to the Daytona 500 for the first time since 2001), set up a final two-lap shootout to the finish.

Earnhardt got a great jump past Brad Keselowski on the restart, and had teammate Jeff Gordon behind him protecting his bumper. Denny Hamlin came charging through the field and Earnhardt had a challenger with one lap to go.

Then an accident farther back in the field involving former winners Kevin Harvick and Jamie McMurray brought out the caution and the win belonged to Earnhardt. Of course, with the lead "Little E" had coming out of turn four, he was going to win anyway, yellow flag or not.

Hamlin was second in a Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota, followed by Keselowski in a Team Penske Ford. Jeff Gordon took fourth and fifth was taken by last year's race winner, Jimmie Johnson.

It was a good race and the top five finishers ran predictably well. The Nascar season has begun.....

National Security Adviser Susan Rice, appeared Sunday on NBC's “Meet the Press" and answered softball questions from David Gregory. She said she has no regrets about her now-infamous round of TV interviews in 2012 about the the attacks on the U.S. mission in Benghazi, Libya.

In 2012, she appeared on Fox, ABC, CNN, NBC and CBS. On Sunday, she said that nobody in the Obama administration intended to mislead the American people (that is, except to help Barry get re-elected and cover Hillary Clinton's bumbling, fat ass). At the end of the interview, Rice's nose exceeded the length of Pinocchio's nose.

The News As I See It: A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are or whom they're trying to impress.

A survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air and teeny-tiny sausages.

In the college Bowl, Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, was asked if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury vs. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void.

1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain. 1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives.

1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed. 1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. 1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Dale Earnardt Jr raises the Harley J. Earl Trophy in Daytona Victory Lane.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I ran into my ex-wife the other day. I could have sworn the light was green. 2) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers. 3) My friend told the Starbucks waiter that his name is Stephen with a "ph". The cup came back reading "PHEVEN". 4) A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million. 5) Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret". Your uncle Ray, who cooks meth in his trailer home, is a family secret.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 24th: Your Great Aunt Maude may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance. Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts ice cream may revive them.

Birthdays: My friends Danny and Dutch - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop who says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The woman replied, "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

The cop said, "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. The husband asked, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" The Amish lady replied, "He said the reflector is broken."  The husband said, "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob..... something about the emergency brake."

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both of whom could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. They asked, "You are truly a wise Vet. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Okay Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?"

Simpson replies, "Well, old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." The stunned investigator asks, "He was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been with the company?" Simpson answers, "About 20 years, sir."

The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson replied, "It was, sir."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, if you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost farther north.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, February 21, 2014

Kenseth And Hamlin Win Daytona Twin 150s - Boyer Flips

The Daytona 500 is this Sunday (Fox - 12 pm) and judging from last night's Twin 150 qualifiers, the race promises to be action packed. The first 150 mile race was conservative at the beginning with most drivers saving their equipment for Sunday's race (which pays $250 thousand just to start). The final lap was a photo finish with Matt Kenseth edging out Kevin Harvick and Kasey Kayne.

The second 150 mile qualifying race was equally conservative until the final lap. Jimmie Johnson ran out of gas coming off turn #4 and everything went to hell in a hand basket. The ensuing mass crash sent Clint Boyer into a 360 degree flip, landing on four wheels and finishing the race. Denny Hamlin looked untouchable winning the race going away.

Jimmie Johnson is the defending Daytona 500 winner and a reigning six-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champ, yet, up until last night, had maintained a low profile for Daytona Speedweeks. Sunday's race marks the return of the Dale Earnhardt / Richard Childress #3 with Childress's grandson Austin Dillon at the wheel.

Dillon captured the pole position in the famed #3, which was formerly Dale Earnhardt's number. Earnhardt was killed in a racing crash in turn three on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.
The Nationwide race will be seen live on Saturday (ESPN) at 1:15 pm and the Camping World truck race will be tonight (Fox Sports 1) at 7:30 pm. As you can see, this is a race car fan's ultimate weekend and should be exciting.

The News As I See It: The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, "Uh, mammal?"

A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.

Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman. Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.

This Date In History: 1613; Michael Romanov was elected czar of Russia, beginning the Romanov imperial line. 1878; The first telephone book was issued in New Haven, Connecticut. 1916; Battle of Verdun, the longest and one of the bloodiest engagements of World War I, began.

1965; Black nationalist leader Malcolm X was assassinated. 1972; President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit China. 1995; Steve Fossett became the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean solo in a balloon.

2002; It was confirmed that Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was dead, allegedly murdered by Islamic militants. 2012; Eurozone finance ministers reached an agreement on a second, 130-billion bailout for Greece to help with the country's debt crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Denny Hamlin won the second 150 mile qualifying race and has been the hot car so far. Hamlin, returning from injuries on 2013, won the final race at Homestead Speedway last year and has been undefeated since.

Denny Hamlin is victorious in the second 150 qualifier
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 2) Is it considered rude to ask your co-worker if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?  3) I hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator. 4) If a bill collector or someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only" 5) The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 21st: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with people you like.

Birthdays: Otto Hermann Kahn, banker and patron of the arts 1867, Constantin Brancusi, sculptor 1876, Andres Segovia, guitarist 1893, Anais Nin, author, diarist 1903, W. H. Auden, Anglo-American poet 1907, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe 1924, Erma Bombeck, writer, humorist 1927, Hubert de Givenchy, fashion designer 1927, Barbara Jordan, lawyer, politician and educator 1936, Jennifer Love Hewitt, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." The first man says, "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" 

The second man replies, "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

The second man asks, "How did you die?" The first man says, "I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either."

He continued, "I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says, "that's so ironic." The first man says, "What do you mean?" The second man replies, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

 Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. Knock! Knock Knock! The husband says, "Guess who?" His wife answers, "I know who it is!" The husband says, "Guess what I want?" His wife replies, "I know what you want!" The husband says, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Matt Kenseth wins the first 150 mile qualifier
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

God continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says. "Not bad. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hit the ball again."

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, what we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. The first thing I'm going to do when I get home from is rip off my girlfriend's's panties. They're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !