Monday, February 2, 2015

He Called A Pass ?

Punxsutawney Phil, Pennsylvania's most famous groundhog, has forecast six more weeks of winter. Then again, Phil also forecast that the Seattle Seahawks would win the Super Bowl in the waning minutes of the game. For Seattle Coach Pete Carrol, winter may last for years.

In a relatively close game, Seattle was leading 24-10 early in the fourth quarter when New England scored. With 2:02 left in the game, Brady gave his team a 28–24 lead with a 3-yard touchdown toss to Edelman.

After a touchback gave Seattle the ball on their 20, Wilson started off the Seahawks drive with a 31-yard completion to Lynch. Then after two incompletions, he picked up another first down with an 11-yard pass to Lockette. The following play gave Seattle a golden opportunity to win the game.

Wilson threw a deep pass down the right sideline to Kearse, who was covered by reserve rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler. Both players dove through the air for the ball and Butler managed to deflect it with one hand. But the pass fell right into the hands of Kearse, who tipped it to himself and caught the ball while he was lying on his back.

Butler managed to recognize the catch and recover in time to shove Kearse out of bounds as he got up, preventing a Seattle touchdown. But the play netted 33 yards and gave the Seahawks a first down at the Patriots 5-yard line with 1:05 left in regulation.

All probabilities indicated that, with little more than a minute to go and first and ten, Seattle coach Pete Carrol would run Marshawn Lynch up the would think. Instead Carrol chose to throw a slant pass which was intercepted, thereby sealing both a 28-24 defeat and their place in professional football infamy.

The News As I See It: Obama said the small drone that recently flew over the White House fence could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

The Apple iPad just turned five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

This Date In History: 1536; The city of Buenos Aires, Argentina, was founded by Spanish conquistador Pedro de Mendoza. 1709; Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk, the inspiration for Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, was rescued after four years alone on an island off the coast of Chile.

1848; The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War, was signed. In the treaty, Mexico ceded to the United States a huge portion of what is today the American West and Southwest, including California and New Mexico.

1870; The Cardiff Giant was revealed to be a hoax. 1876; The National League of Professional Baseball Clubs was formed. 1887; The first gathering at Gobbler's Knob in Punxsatawney, Pa. to wait for the groundhog's shadow occurred.

1922; James Joyce's Ulysses was published. 1943; Nazi troops surrendered in the World War II Battle of Stalingrad. 1971 Idi Amin became dictator of Uganda. 1980; The Abscam scandal was revealed.

1990; South African President F. W. de Klerk lifted a ban on the African National Congress and promised to free Nelson Mandela. 2003; Czech Republic President Vaclav Havel stepped down after 13 years.

Picture Of The Day: Punxsutawney Phil has evidently seen his shadow and as legend has it, there will be six more weeks of winter.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you ask me where your glasses are and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever. 2) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 years in a condominium? 3) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 4) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 5) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she was a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - February 2nd: Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. "Head Lice!" is not something to be screamed in terror at the local bus stop. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it.

When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.

Birthdays: Talleyrand, statesman and diplomat 1754, Albert Sidney Johnston, general 1803, James Joyce, Irish novelist 1882, George Halas, football pioneer 1895, Jascha Heifetz, violinist 1901, Ayn Rand, writer 1905, Abba Eban, statesman 1915, James Dickey, poet and novelist 1923, Stan Getz, saxophonist 1927, Farrah Fawcet, actress 1947, Christie Brinkley, model 1954, Shakira, singer, songwriter 1977.

I've got to lie for two more years?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked.

She asks, "What are you doing?" The daughter replies, "Mom, it's my love dress!! Don't you like it?" Her Mom replies, "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over."

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction, "Honey, what are you doing?" She give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my love dress! What do you think of it?"

Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it."

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

He's Got Two More Years?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda from Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

The police department in the small town of Columbus, Nebraska reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway 30 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Central City.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. So you see, police do care.

In January of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, to err is human, to eh is Canadian.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

If the sucker is right, I hope someone shoots him. I could mean the Groundhog.

I liked the ‘Faith in God thing, and the extra veggies guys!

I like the Library line. No matter how they learn, folks should know where the library is.

Be good down there….