Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Proposed Obamacare Seniors Plan

An alternative for Obamacare for seniors: You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there's no nursing care available for you. The new plan gives anyone 50 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 4 Politicians.

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, lungs or heart You know what? They are all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that wants to let anyone crossing the southern border have the same benefits of Americans who were born here, while telling you they can't afford to take care of you.

Best of all, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. In addition, because you are a prisoner, you no longer have to pay income tax.

On the other hand, the Supreme Court is in session today hearing a crucial case on the validity of parts of the law and its' decision may wildly change Obamacare. If not, we've always got the new Plan B.

The News As I See It: Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they’re saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn’t archive and preserve her emails. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules...... she'll still be president. Obama said, “Don’t worry, we saw Hillary's emails.. We read everyone’s emails."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. It aired in Israel with a five-minute delay. Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what their president was saying, or as Americans call that, watching Obama live. "Every speech … I make … takes … three hours."

Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, "I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had."

Nancy Pelosi said she was "near tears" during the prime minister's speech to Congress because it insulted America's intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about "The Bachelor."

Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They sure know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.

This Date In History: 1789; The Constitution of the United States went into effect. 1791; Vermont became the 14th state in the United States. 1861; Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as president.

1917; Jeannette Rankin took her seat as the first woman elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. 1933; Frances Perkins, appointed Secretary of Labor, became first woman to serve in the Cabinet.

1994; Four Muslim fundamentalists were found guilty in the 1993 World Trade Center bombing in New York. 1999; Retired Supreme Court Justice Harry A. Blackmun died in Arlington, Virginia., at age 90.

Picture Of The Day: Just checking her email.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If someone says they don't speak English, tell them their shoes are untied and see if they look down. 2) I went to It wasn't to meet women. I went to search for a mate for one of my socks. 3) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace. 4) I tell people I'm divorced, but technically, my ex-wife got lost in a corn maze. 5) For the person who lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band, I've got good news. I found your rubber band.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - March 4th: Half of what I say is meaningless, the other half is pure gold, purer than any snow that ever fell. Purer than the white cover on that classic Beatles' album. The trick here is to ascertain which half. Hell, flip a coin. That's what I usually do.....

Birthdays: Henry the Navigator, prince 1394, Antonio Vivaldi, composer 1675, Knute Rockne, football coach 1888, Miriam Makeba, singer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Little Johnny's class were on a trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. The policeman said, "Yes, the detectives want him very badly."

Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Uh, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, Johnny goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast, trips over the cat and kicks it as he is walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

While taxiing at Atlanta Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Miami made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming, "U.S. Air 771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!"

She went on, "You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, ma'am." Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

That's it for today, my little junebugs. Remember, making fun of an older person's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train when you're only standing a little further down the same tracks. The plan is AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great health care porgram, Imma keep that in mind.
I have been protecting my keyboard pretty well whilist reading Jimmy's Journal, I was a little lax at the time I ran across that danged rubber band. Thanks Jimmy!!!
RED wine on a keyboard!

Paula said...

Geez did you have to remind me of my age by printing the one about a long stem rose in a basket? Lots of good ones today.