Monday, March 2, 2015

It's Been One Of Those Days

Yep, they said, "Cheer up, things could be worse." So I cheered up and, sure enough.....things got worse. Not end of the world "worse", but I did notice one of my neighbors herding animal pairs towards an ark.

My toilet went south over the weekend and, although I was able to jerry-rig it until today, it had to be replaced which was no easy feat.

A little later, I was having problems with an AOL program and figured I'd delete it and reinstall it. Nope, the program is no longer online and, although archaic, it served some functions for me on this blog. By the way, it's AOL 9.6 if anyone has a copy.

So, not much substance to today's post, but on the bright side, I didn't shoot my computer.......

On a sad note Actor Leonard Nemoy and baseball player Minnie Minoso both passed away in the last few days. Rest in peace gentlemen.

The News As I See It: There's this picture of a dress that someone took, and people online are fighting over what color it is. Some people say it's black and blue. Some say it's white and gold. I think someone should ask Obama, our country's first gold president.

After the FCC issued the new net neutrality rules, Obama posted a thank you letter online addressed to the millions of people who helped support the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea, "Could someone please tell me what net neutrality is?"

In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up something he'd actually miss.

KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

This Date In History: 1836; Texas declared its independence from Mexico. 1877; Rutherford B. Hayes was declared president by a U.S. electoral commission since the original result was too close to call. He was the only president elected this way. 1917; Puerto Rico became a U.S. territory and Puerto Ricans gained American citizenship.

1923; The first issue of Henry Luce's TIME magazine appeared on newsstands. 1933; King Kong, starring Fay Wray, premiered in New York City. 1949; Captain James Gallagher completed the first non-stop around the world flight. He completed the 23,452-mile journey in 94 hours, 1 minute.

1956 ; Morocco gained independence from France. 1962; Philadelphia Warriors center Wilt Chamberlain scored an NBA-record 100 points in a basketball game. 2001; The Taliban began the destruction of ancient Buddha statues in Afghanistan.

2008; Dmitri A. Medvedev, a former aide to Russian president Vladimir Putin who has never held elected office, won the Russian presidential election in a landslide. Putin remained in a position of power, serving as Medvedev's prime minister.

Picture Of The Day: Marie Harf, the spokeswoman for the U.S. State Department, said about the Islamic terrorists, "We can’t win ‘by killing them’ - We need to get help their economies so they can have job opportunities." So, lets get them a job where the moronic Marie surely must have worked in the past.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The teacher asked the kids to pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Three of the kids picked Internet Explorer 8. 2) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 3) I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy. 4) I told my friends, "I'm frying some fish for supper, so y'all come over and eat." What I meant was, "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano." 5) Dogs lick each other's asses to tell each other they like them - just like politicians.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - March 2nd: My astrologer and sometimes psychic told me that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Samuel Houston, frontier hero and statesman 1793, Dr. Seuss 1904, author of children's books 1904 Tom Wolfe, journalist and novelist 1931, Mikhail Gorbachev, political leader 1931, John Irving, writer 1942, Jon Bon Jovi, musician 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

The old woman replied, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but I would appreciate it if you don't put that in your newspaper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: About 200 dead crows were found near Boston, Massachusetts and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he did determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with cars. The city then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away.

She gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, the Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month,

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I gotta tell you , good line, GOLD president! Perfect line about dogs and politicians. Imma try to remember them!
Don't think I ever knowed a woman with a crank before. Probably having to do with sex change or something.
Glad you got a new toilet! The neighobrs would get tired of you borrowing theirs after awhile.(Smile, the snow will be gone soon)

Julie said...

The printable things are perfect this morning.