Wednesday, June 10, 2015
What Bird Would You Be?
The eagle is out, but only because they mate in mid-air, free falling until the act is finished. I don't want to fall to my death on jagged rocks because I couldn't get my zipper down fast enough.
I considered the road runner, but I wouldn't want to always be looking over my shoulder for Wile E. Coyote. Small and dainty birds are out as well. Too easy for Sylvester the Cat to come around looking for a quick meal.
I considered water fowl. I like ducks and the majestic swan, but living in South Florida all my life, I've seen bass and many gators take out the ducklings and even adult birds. Nope, that won't work.
So, I took a page from Obama's philosophy and decided that I would choose to be a pigeon. They're everywhere and everyone seems to put up with them. Hell, most people even feed them. And using Obie's political playbook, I could soar in the skies until I located someone to shit on.....
The News As I See It: Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced today that all seven FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when they were arrested for bribery.
At the summit this weekend, Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Apparently, he still has not mastered his Black History classes. Pretty embarrassing, but, then again, George W. Bush left Saddam hanging.
Last weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches.
The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Obama. It's a Disney picture called "Honey, I Shrunk the Economy."
This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."
1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.
1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown. 2003; Ontario, Canada issued the first full same-sex marriage licenses in North America.
Picture Of The Day: The majestic eagle would have been my first choice but I have issues with their reproduction techniques.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn't give up on their dreams. 2) I almost always wear black. Not because I'm too cool or trying to be dark, but because I'm single and I don't like to separate laundry. 3) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it un-installed itself. 4) I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my girlfriend I haven’t eaten yet. 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: Animals can be your friends this week as you learn what it's like to live in an alley. There's no reason to get nervous, many relationships end this way.
Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Judy Garland, actress and singer 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, Olympic figure skater 1982.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"
The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."
Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.
Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
One officer said, "Hello Sarge, it looks like we have a homicide here." The sergeant asked, "What happened?" The officer said, "A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
The Sergeant nodded his head and asked, "Have you placed her under arrest?" The officer replied, "No sir. The floor is still wet."
The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse."
The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."
That's it for today, my little bare cubs. Remember, a liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed and beaten yet. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !