Monday, June 1, 2015
Bruce (now Caitlyn) Jenner has a Vanity Fair pictorial showing his transition to becoming a woman. Kanye knocked up Kim again (North By Northwest) and "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" has reportedly been renewed for four more years. What a proud family.
John Carey fell off his bike and broke his leg. Maybe the U.S.-Iran negotiations will improve. John, why the long face? The leg will heal. Meanwhile, for those who actually care about soccer, 14 FIFA officials have been have been charged with bribery and kickbacks.
More Republicans have entered the presidential race and rumor has it that a second circus clown car may be needed for debate introductions. One would think that the Republicans would meet and realize that unless there is a strong GOP presidential nominee with some sort of personality, they're toast once again..
In the interim, Hillary Clinton will not address the media about her various scandals and the two clowns who are pretending to oppose her could not successfully operate a luncheonette. Unless the nation comes out of their liberal coma, Bill and Hillary will once again sit on the throne....an Obama third term, if you will. Be prepared to serve again, Monica.
Yep, one thing you can count on almost every day is that some celebrity or politico will do something stupid or step in it.....
The News As I See It: Scientists working on The Syracuse University Lava Project have discovered how to grill a steak using lava. The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano.
This Date In History: 1792; Kentucky became the 15th state in the United States. 1796; Tennessee became the 16th state in the United States. 1938; The first issue of Action Comics, featuring Superman, was published. 1958; General Charles De Gaulle became the premier of France.
1968; Helen Keller, blind and deaf author-lecturer, died. 1980 ;Cable News Network (CNN) debuted. 2001; Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal wiped out most of the royal family before shooting himself.
Picture Of The Day: I stumbled upon an old picture from a ski trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado in the early eighties. I would tell you the exact year, but I'm still trying to remember what I had for breakfast......
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate when I wake up in a strange house and have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I'm in. 2) I was trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce. 3) I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 4) I went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. I'll try harder next time. 5) The weight loss programs I see on TV must be pretty good. Judging from the "Before and After" pictures, not only do they lose weight, but it gives them a tan, makeup and a smile as well.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 1st: This week will be weird. You will be re-welcomed to earth by a strange person. You will have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life and bleeds or the constantly bad decision maker? Think about your answer before responding. I'm gonna go have a beer.
Birthdays: Brigham Young, religious leader 1801, Francis Edgar Stanley, inventor, manufacturer 1849, William Sloane Coffin, Jr., social activist 1924, Marilyn Monroe, actress 1926, Morgan Freeman, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the "Egyptian Taylor Swift."
After he dumped Cleo, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher said, "That must have been scary." The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.
A priest visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wanted to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
The woman said, "Not bad. I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs. He pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
The priest said, "They don't like that up in heaven." The woman replied, "They weren't too happy about it in Walmart, either!"
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a tall Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, June 1st is the beginning of hurricane season. Hurricanes named after women are more deadly, mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !