Monday, June 22, 2015
Breaking.... Breaking.... Broken News
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Jimmy's World News reporter Skip Gibson said that Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
Sceneario: You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"
The News As I See It: Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval was forced to sit out last night, after he was caught “liking” pictures of women on Instagram during a game. The team actually benched him. Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him.
People in Japan can now purchase "Pepper," which is a four-foot-tall robot that can keep you company and guess your mood. Hey, if you just bought a robot to keep you company, my guess is that your mood is lonely.
There are reports that Amazon may be able to launch its drone delivery program within the next year. So if you hear your doorbell and see a robot hovering near your house, it could be the end of the world..... or, the 6 pack of atheletic socks you ordered.
This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss, James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.
Picture Of The Day: Scientists do not hold services at the Vatican. The Pope should take this into consideration when reporting on Global Warming.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I asked my dad for some child care advice when I was a young father and he said, "Always punch holes in the box so that they can breathe." 2) The movie "Top Gun" was not realistic. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise is so short that he can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle. 3) During a romantic interlude, I said to her. "Who's your daddy" and she said, "You are!" and asked me to pay off her student loans. 4) Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands. 5) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 22nd: Do not dwell on your personal pecadilloes. Everyone has their own. Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.
Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short......" Love, Grandma.
That's it for today, my little billy goats. Speaking of which, remember, dyslexia has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
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More on Monday.
Stay Tuned !