Friday, July 1, 2016

A Quick Rant

A contraction is a shortened version of the written and spoken forms of a word, id est, did not (didn't), could not (couldn't). Therefore, did-dent and could-dent are not contractions. Moreover, the letter "T" is hard, so Martin is pronounced "Martin", not "Mar-In." Rant over.

I hope the sun shines brightly down for everyone this Fourth of July weekend. The rains are attempting to discourage us, but we will prevail. Have a great and safe weekend.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband Internet access to all Americans. Then, she quickly added, "Except for my husband."

Nancy Grace is leaving CNN's Headline News in October. The network announced she will be replaced by an especially loud leaf blower.

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act.

1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War. 1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence.

1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty. 1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile.

1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China. 2000; Vermont's civil unions law went into effect. 2013; Croatia became the 28th member of the European Union.

Picture Of The Day: After two hours of cavorting and generally messing with everybody, Scooter settles in for his nap (Thank you Lord).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you. 2) The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. 3) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. We'll she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 4) I have a special place in my heart. You know, for blood and vessels and stuff like that. 5) Teach your child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 1st: Money is literally no object for the rest of this week since you lost all your money at the church bingo hall last night. Bear in mind that when you're playing church bingo, blurted obscenities are frowned upon. That little old lady that yelled "f*ck" when "bingo" was called is senile and everyone overlooks and pardons her.

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder, 1908, Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Carl Lewis, athlete 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

A tourist was admiring a Seminole Indian's necklace. She asked, "What is it made of?" The Indian replied, "Alligator teeth." The woman said, "I suppose that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." The Indian objected, "No, anybody can open an oyster."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting.

Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth!"

That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

Julie said...

Funny as usual, I have only heard Nancy Grace a couple of times but the leaf blower sounds accurate.