Saturday, July 30, 2016

Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Infomercials

Well, both political convention infomercials are over and all the weird delegates and their stupid outfits have gone home to obscurity. It was a bit scary seeing all the weirdos who supposedly represent us. Moe, Larry and Curly could have done a better job.

Nevertheless, this part is over and now Hillary and Trump will go back to name calling until November. Both candidates' Vice President picks are jokes, so I don't put much stock in their bringing in more votes.

In the interim, ISIS continues to run amok in Europe, Men in Blue have to duck sniper shots and the asshole protests continue.

Hillary will carry on the Obama theme that everything is great and Trump will point out what she chooses to omit. I'll be happy when this crap is over because it disgusts me. 

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention and there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?"

After Hillary spoke, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had.

Bill Clinton spoke to the Democratic Convention and his first sentence was, "In the spring of 1971, I met a girl." You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.

Bernie Sanders supporters staged a walkout. Witnesses say they’ll never forget the sound of 6,000 pairs of Crocs leaving the convention.

This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.

1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer.

2003; Red sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.

Picture Of The Day: The Trump and Pence families.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between a Trump supporter and a Hillary supporter is that Trump supporters sign their checks on the front and Hillary supporters sign them on the back. 2) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein. 3) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. 4) About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 5) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: Today's date is an omen but I wouldn't fret about it. Go out and have a good time. Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes and you will learn a lot today.

Birthdays: Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Benito Mussolini, dictator 1883, Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61) 1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936 Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" Miss Annabell continues, "They call them homosexuals." The girls, astounded and fanning themselves, reply, "Oh my! Oh my."

Miss Annabell says, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell sighs, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The girls giggle as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.

The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago."

The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison." The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!"

Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, always keep several "get well" cards on your mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Entertaining post. BUT the best lines were where the different followers sign their checks, front or back! ;-)