Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Keep Your Conversation To Yourself

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the plane proceeded to take off, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.She started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the plane. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

She continued, "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

The Obama administration is behind a plan that would have the U.S. government relinquish its last bit of control over the Internet – a move Republican lawmakers are fighting tooth-and-nail.

The transfer was set in motion two years ago when a Commerce Department agency said it would cede oversight over an obscure, but powerful, Los Angeles-based nonprofit called the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN).

This is real folks and I'm not too happy about it. We need new blood in the White House. One who will keep what belongs to America in America

The News As I See It: There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary's recent bout of pneumonia. Her doctors say she’s doing well and she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time.

The big season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars" premiered and at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, "They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!"

Fashion Week is in full swing in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. If they ever find those emails, it’ll be an orange jumpsuit."

Some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. He is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. Yep, just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.

During the Rams vs 49ers NFL game, a fan that ran onto the field had more rushing yards than the entire Rams offense. The guy got arrested. Now that we know he can run and has a criminal record, so he’s perfect for the NFL.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Things are going swimmingly.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always wear a wet suit and goggles when I go to Miami Beach to party so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning. 2) I coached my son's baseball team because it's important that he knows I swear at other kids, too. 3) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse says to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"  5) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 13th: Mondays are a pain and Wednesdays are hump days, but you've got a job and that's what's important. That bachelor of arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: Milton Hershey,  chocolatier, philanthropist 1857, Walter Reed, American army surgeon 1851, John J. Pershing, army officer 1860, Arnold Schoenberg, composer 1874, Sherwood Anderson, novelist 1876, J. B. Priestley, author 1894, Claudette Colbert, movie actress 1903, Bill Monroe, bluegrass musician 1911, Roald Dahl, writer 1916.  

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me."

He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." Her husband said, "Watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Mother Superior passed two young novices and said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, the one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I completely agree on the internet control, I couldn't believe it when I read it. OUCH! Also CRAZY!

Good lines in the printables. I'm wondering how Murphy feels in Her shoes.

Nite thanks for the entertainment and education again. I like the line for shutting down a loud conversation. Whoa!