Monday, September 5, 2016
The Coming Of Fall
Labor Day is celebrated on the first Monday in September. It honors the American labor movement, assuming you have a job. It's considered the unofficial end of summer unless you live in Miami. Well, there's still 3-4 months of "Hope and Change" remaining.
As for me, I hooked up my new printer today. You may not see that as no big deal, but when you have bad eyes, a short temper and two cats supervising every step of your progress, you realize it was a major achievment.
That said, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.....
The News As I See It: Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration and during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, "beautiful border wall." Mexicans were like, "Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?"
In France, a shipment that was supposed to contain orange juice actually contained a massive shipment of cocaine. Either way, a great way to start your morning.
This Date In History: 1698; Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men. 1774; The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia. 1836; The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president.
1905; The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire. 1972; Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics.
1997; Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.
Picture Of The Day: This just struck me as funny.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. 2) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just go to KFC and buy dinner? 3) Women "say" that they don't need men anymore, but just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars. 4) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 5th: Half of what I say is meaningless, the other half is pure gold. The trick here is to ascertain which half. Hell, flip a coin. That's what I usually do.....
Birthdays: Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638, Jesse James, outlaw 1847, Mrs. H. H. A. Beach, composer and pianist 1867, Darryl F. Zanuck, producer 1902, Arthur Koestler, writer 1905, John Cage, composer 1912, Bob Newhart, comedian 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It just died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, "So, what's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on. The guy replies,"Listening to music." Pointing to the girl in the back seat, the cop asks,"And what’s she doing?" The guy says, "Reading a magazine, of course."
The officer asks, "How old are you?" The guy answers, "I’m 23." The officer says,"And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."
The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."
The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."
A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"
The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away. She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.
It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away.
So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."
That's it for today, my little nanny goats. Remember, you know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !