Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Okay, Back To Work
Another Labor Day's has passed, the kids are back in school and we grudgingly give up the weekend and go back to work. It's hump day and we all look forward to next weekend. Oh, and the government made its regular Labor Day bad news document dump late Friday.
The government morons have yet to grasp that we live in the times of instant news. They dump and in 30 minutes, it's all over the Internet.
The latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails was put out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun.
One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smart phone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years.
Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones.
I have a plan to permanently bench Colin Kaepernick, the moron who refuses to stand for the national anthem. My plan will keep him on the bench forever.....
The News As I See It: Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let Obama get off Air Force One using the red carpet staircase. See? Even the Chinese are not impressed with Barry.
Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. This is convenient, the included ear buds will come "pre-lost."
Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
This Date In History: 1822; Brazil declared its independence from Portugal. 1901; The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ended with the signing of the Peking Protocol (Peace of Beijing). 1940; Nazi Germany began its initial blitz on London during World War II.
1979; The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its debut on cable TV. 1986; Desmond Tutu became the first black to lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa.
Picture Of The Day: One of the best, Gene Wilder. Rest in peace.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 2) For the Pokemon fanatics, one day you'll look up from your cell phone and realize your kids put you in a nursing home. 3) Note to young parents. Please remember to put your screaming baby on vibrate. 4) I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic 2. 5 Back in the day, my son asked what it's like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 7th: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Do not stick the pencil in your ear.
On another note, did you wake up in under the swing set again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.
Birthdays: Elizabeth I, queen of England (1558–1603) 1533, Grandma Moses, painter 1860, Elinor Wylie, poet and novelist 1885, Edith Sitwell, poet and critic 1887, Taylor Caldwell, novelist 1900, Elia Kazan, director, writer, actor 1909, Peter Lawford, actor 1923, Buddy Holly, singer 1936.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."
His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter, Mom? Giving up?"
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?" The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !