Veterans Should Be Our First Priority

There is absolutely no reason why the United States should accept refugees from any country before she takes care of America's Veterans and completely reforms the mismanaged and corrupt VA Administration.

There are too many men and women who served their country who are not receiving the care they deserve. The government has done nothing of merit to correct this situation, yet they can find money and benefits for illegal aliens and refugees from questionable countries.

Today we thank and salute the men and women of the armed forces, both past and present, for their service and pray for the soldiers who never made it home.

The News As I See It: Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. He’s obviously new to Facebook. Everyone lies just like he does.

A county in Colorado voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. You can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it pays for 11 years of college.

I'm getting bored with the democrat and republican debates. I'd like to see them have a drunk debate. Everyone gets loaded and we find out what they really think about things.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: There are the wounded and there are those who died. Remember them.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I no longer wear a turtleneck when I go to AREA 51 to party. I find it's too difficult to get up off of my back if I fall over. 2) The next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into your legs, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going." 3) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 4) When my girlfriend wants my opinion, she'll give it to me. 5) The next time a bill collector calls, just give the phone to your toddler and tell her it's Barney.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France, then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet! Your efforts today will likely be rewarded.

Birthdays: Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap.

The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today, my little urchins. Remember, the best advice you can give to parents of young children is to show them before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say, "this girl didn't think she needed a nap either." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Remembering The Veterans

Today is Veteran's Day and a time to remember that the freedom we enjoy today is due to the millions of United States soldiers and allies who served or are serving in the military. Most have returned home, but many were severely injured or were killed in action.

I have to especially remember my father, James Sullivan Sr., (pictured left) who served in World War II and my late nephew, Jonathan Sullivan.

I served in the United States Army as well as Brother Kirt, who was in Vietnam. My friends Chris, Doug, Frankie, Gary, Jack, Jimmy, Carl, Victor and Wally also are remembered, as they served their country as well.

I ask all my readers and friends to take the time to remember our soldiers, past and present, and to extend a welcome hand to anyone in uniform. I can assure you that the gesture will be quite welcome and you can put a little sunshine into a soldier or veteran's life.

The News As I See It: Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.

Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, "Happy to help, man."

As I'm sure you’ve heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: "Just say yes."

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys.

Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana

According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: The picture says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm being so much nicer to my menopausal girlfriend since she showed me how easy it was to remove bloodstains from carpeting. 2) My cell phone autocorrected, "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyway. 3) Note to bicycling enthusiasts who go speeding by me as I'm walking: When you yell "on your left" as you go by, it only lets me know which arm to "clothesline" you with. 4) When you apply for a job at Hooters, they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." 5) I start, but rarely complete my paintings and song writing, for I am a master of the partial arts.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 11th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. Bits and pieces of last night will flash before your eyes today. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure of your new found love - drinking all night at the country music karaoke bar.

Birthdays: My friends Gerald, Sharlan and Tommy - Happy Birthday - 19XX, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At the shopping mall the other day, an old man watched a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye and responded, "Yep, I got drunk one night and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The Doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

The woman says, "Well, yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies. That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

She went on, " Later, there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me." The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "There, there, it's nothing to be afraid of. You're simply going through the change."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Old Josh said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The little boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Old Josh said, "I know, that's from your grandma....."

The woman said to her friend, "I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her friend said, "I know a Chinese doctor that can help you."

So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him. She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions. The Doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman said, "What, what did you say?" The Doctor said, "take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes.

The Doctor says "Ok, now craw to the window". The woman says, "What?" The Doctor repeats, "Craw to the window" he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. He says, "Now craw back to me," motioning her to come back.

The Doctor says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is. You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman says, "Ed Zachary disease, what's that?" The Doctor says "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass".

That's it for today, my little cashew nuts. Remember, if you say "no ifs, ands, or buts", then get ready for a shitload of "shoulds", "as well as", and "howevers".

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Veteran's Day 2012 - A Time To Remember

Sunday, the 11th of November, was Veteran's Day and since it fell on a Sunday, today is designated as the day of celebration where many people have the day off with pay and the more fortunate even have a barbecue. It is also a day to remember the scared young soldier who gave his or her life or was injured making sure that America is free.

Please take the time today to say a prayer for all the soldiers and their families, both past and present, who sacrificed their youth serving their country. It is because of them that you may be in good health, have the day off and are enjoying a barbecue on this beautiful Monday, 2012.

The News As I See It: David Petraeush, the head of the CIA and former General,has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director can't keep an affair secret, you don't have a chance.

The U.S. Postal Service has announced that they are expecting this year's holiday season to be their busiest ever and also their slowest ever. That's probably the only business in America that is complaining about being busy.

Thousands of people complained on Twitter after Facebook recently went down for 60 seconds. It reminded me of the time my grandparents complained about having to make soup out of shoes during World War II.

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when you find real bargains. It works on our innate desire to save money and to get away from your family after Thanksgiving.

They've finished counting the votes in Florida even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.

Honey Boo Boo's in the news A representative from PETA has written her a letter urging her not to eat her new pet chicken. So instead Honey Boo Boo ate the representative from PETA.
 

This Date In History: 1920; Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis was elected the first commissioner of baseball. 1927; Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party and Joseph Stalin became the ruler of the Soviet Union. 1942; The World War II battle of Guadalcanal begins.

1954; Ellis Island stopped serving as the chief immigration station for the United States. Twenty million immigrants went through Ellis Island in its 62 years of operation. 1970; A cyclone and tidal wave hit East Pakistan, killing over 200,000 people.

1981; The space shuttle Columbia was launched for the second time. It was the first time a space vehicle was used more than once. 1990; Akihito becomes emperor of Japan. 1997; Ramzi Yousef, the man behind the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, was convicted in New York.

Picture Of The Day: There comes a time when a young kitten has to summon all his courage and walk into the valley of the shadow of death to see if there is a stray kibble or bit that has not been consumed.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The phrase "All In" takes on a whole new connotation when playing Texas Hold 'em strip poker. 2) I adopted a rescue dog. He rescues food from the table, socks from the laundry, trash from the bin and shoes from the closet. 3) Nine months before I was born, I went to this awesome party with my dad and I left with my mom. 4) Onions don't make me cry. It's just being in the kitchen in general. 5) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 12th: The size of your shoes indicates that you are unlikely to fall down during a mild earthquake. You are a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket, so have at it. Love may find you this week. If it does, be wary since sometimes love can cause you to have to give back half of your shopping bag accumulations. Get a pre-nuptial shopping bag agreement. 

Birthdays: Auguste Rodin, sculptor 1840, Sun Yat-Sen, founder of modern China 1866, Harry Blackmun, Associate Justice 1908, Grace Kelly, actress, Princess of Monaco 1929, Neil Young, singer, songwriter, guitarist 1945, Nadia Comaneci, gymnast 1961, Sammy Sosa, baseball outfielder 1968, Ryan Gosling, actor 1980, Anne Hathaway, actress 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The angry husband said to his sympathetic pal at the bar, "That wife of mine is a liar." His friend asked, "How do you know?" The husband said, "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

The friend replied, "So?" The husband replied, "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she noticed the driver looking at the small container she was carrying. She whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The mother said, "Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, 'Don't we look pretty today', while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?"

Her daughter said, "No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?" The mother said, "Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?"

The daughter said, "I don't know. We're you embarrassed?" The mother said, "I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

The daughter said, "I don't have any FDS." The mother said, "Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment." The granddaughter said, "That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!"

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because the lips on her private parts are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The doctor says, "Don't worry, I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation and she had the operation done herself." The woman asked, "Who is the third rose from?" The doctor says, "Oh, that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

That's it for today, my little rose petals. Remember, Twitter users say that it makes them feel like they're home. Nobody listens to them there either. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Veteran's Day

For most men and women between the ages of 18 to 25, the thought of death or disability seems far fatched. At least it seemed that way in 1963. Most of my friends and myself were innocently enjoying the summer after high school graduation. The growing war in Vietnam seemed remote and the thought of being in the military was not even a thought.

The Selective Service System required men between the ages of 18-25 to register for the draft and most of us complied, still mentally innocent of the growing troubles in Southeast Asia. Then, little by little, one by one, young men weren't around and the news began to spread that "so and so" was drafted by the U.S. Army or "so and so" joined the Marines, Navy, Air Force or Coast Guard. As my friends began to go away to war, I too joined the U.S. Army.

As time pased, the realities of war began to surface. Some of my friends were killed in Vietnam and others were injured, either physically, mentally or both. The war continued to grow and young men and women continued to die.

More than 58,000 men and women died in Vietnam, 303,000 were wounded and 1687 are missing in action. Vietnam brought the reality of life to young people during that area and allows us to appreciate the great sacrifices made by men and women, both past and present who valiantly served America.

Please take the time today to say a prayer for all our soldiers. The price of freedom is very high.

Combat Medic, Specialist 5th Class
James M. Sullivan, Jr.
United States Army Reserve
1966-1971

The News As I See It: The difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry is that it only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Mr. Vice President.

They say Rick Perry had a memory lapse. I can understand that. The other day, I remembered Kris and I remembered Khloe but I completely forgot Kourtney.

Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.

The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.

After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.

This week a deer jumped through the window of a taco restaurant in Georgia. Or as Taco Bell put it, "Hey, sometimes the ingredients just deliver themselves."

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed, probably for horse stealing. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures need no explanation. God Bless America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 2) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 3) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 4) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Take the time to thank a soldier today or say a silent prayer for those who cannot be here.

Birthdays: My pal Tommy - Happy Birthday Buddy! 19XX, Feodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist 1821, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928 LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A captain in the Army was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel." The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "No sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The young man said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" The father said, "Is that when you jumped?" The young man replied, "Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father said, "Did you jump then?"

The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

he son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, a little, at first."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. The orderly said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" The general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The nurse said, "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil."

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

That's it for today my little apple tarts. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember Our Veterans Tomorrow !

Veterans Day is tomorrow, November 11 and I'd like to thank and remember all of the men and women, both past and present, who have valiantly served America throughout the years. Please remember our troops and God Bless America!

Just one week after House Democrats were swept out of power, Speaker Nancy Pelosi is hosting a reception today "honoring the accomplishments of the 111th Congress." Did I miss something?

It's a bird. It's a plane. Actually, it's a plane. At least that's what experts and the military seem to be saying about Tuesday's scare over what initially looked like a mystery missile spotted off the coast of Los Angeles. The Northern Aerospace Defense Command already weighed in Tuesday, saying the unexplained contrail posed no threat to the nation.

NORAD did not speculate on what the source of the missile-looking contrail might come from. Now, experts are saying why it's highly likely that what a helicopter camera crew captured on camera was a plane, not a missile. Nice to know that it takes more than 24 hours for someone to have a clue.

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi says she will seek to become the House minority leader. Who better to be the minority leader than the person who led their party to become the minority.

President Obozo is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pact with India, brokered a deal to make India part of the Security Council, got his laptop fixed and got a $15 late fee removed from his Visa card. Obozo went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.

Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for giving money to Democratic candidates. If only he had given his money to prostitutes, like Eliot Spitzer, he would have a primetime show on CNN.

Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a U.F.O. on Monday. I've got news for the Aliens. If you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them.

This Date In History: 1871; Journalist and explorer Henry Stanley found the missing David Livingstone in Central Africa and made his famous comment, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1928; Hirohito was crowned Emperor of Japan.

1951; The first long distance telephone call without operator assistance took place. 1969; Sesame Street premiered on PBS TV. 1970; The Great Wall of China opened to the world for tourism. 1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial opened in Washington, DC.

Picture Of The Day: Remembering the soldiers, past and present, who served or are serving this nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. 2) Home is a place where part of the family waits 'till the rest of the family brings the car back. 3) Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time. 4) Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes. 5) If you think a sweet little 80-year-old lady would never say the F word, just let another sweet little 80-year-old lady yell BINGO!.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Sommer. Happy Birthday baby girl! 19XX, Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation 1483, William Hogarth, painter, satirist, engraver 1697, Oliver Goldsmith, author 1730, Samuel Gridley Howe, reformer and philanthropist 1801, Claude Rains, actor 1889.

J. P. Marquand, novelist 1893, Richard Burton, actor 1925, Russell Means, activist, actor 1939, Donna Fargo, singer 1945, Ann Reinking, dancer, choreographer, and actor 1949, Roland Emmerich, filmmaker 1955, Neil Gaiman, writer 1960 Brittany Murphy, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. The officer barked, "You idiot! Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

The solder answered apologetically, "Yes sir, but, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter', that did it."

In a radio conversation between a Mexican naval ship and American authorities off the coast of San Diego, the American operator said, "Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision." The Mexican naval ship replied, "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision."

The American operator radioed, "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision." The Mexican naval ship replied, "This is the Captain of a Mexican Navy ship. I say again, divert your course." The Americans responded, "No. I say again, you divert your course."

The Mexican ship radioed, "This is the Mexican warship Pancho Villa, the largest ship in the Mexican fleet. I demand that you change your course or counter-measures will be taken to insure the safety of this ship!" The Americans responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The son said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father said, "So, that's when you jumped?"

The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." His father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

The son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little, at first."

That's it for today my little puppy dogs. Remember, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him wear swim trunks. Think I'll head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !