Go away Isaac !

Tropical storm Isaac looks like he has plans to visit South Florida. It's a bit early to worry too much, but there should be some law of nature that says storms can't hit the mainland on the weekend or at night. It's sort of like the weather version of of Murphy's Law or the old adage, "bread always lands peanut butter side down."

Every hurricane I can remember always seemed to hit at night and/or the weekend. Of course, when I was a lot younger, we just had a hurricane party and hung out together at the same place. That is..... until we really went through a bad, full force hurricane.

It was then that we learned that these storms are to be taken seriously and earnestly prepared for. Some people found out the hard way. I'm hoping that Isaac changes his mind and his course, but preparation begins tomorrow for me, just in case.

My pal Zoey crossed the rainbow bridge to play with Gabi Lin and Luke The Wonder Dog. She will be missed. My heart's out to Julie and Rick. Rest in peace, Zoey.....

The News As I See It: Th

A Playboy Playmate smuggled her boyfriend into the United States from Canada in a suitcase. They're going to arrest her as soon as they are done patting her down.

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.

The Republicans are getting ready for their Florida convention. Right now, they're busy auditioning minorities.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.

1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.

1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calif.

2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: There's always a reason to look back or over your shoulder.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car. 2) If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it. 3) Grandparents: changing the world one forwarded email at a time. 4) At my age, only 3 things can make me go running. When someone yells, "Fire!", "Free Food!" or "The free food's on fire!" 5) Why haven't any of Spiderman's arch enemies just squashed him with a giant shoe?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. Today's horoscope is sponsored by Toast. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and some theft. Long walks, cold showers and playing with puppies will help alleviate the lack of romance in your life this week.

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz, sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker, writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson, photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917 Ray Bradbury, writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf, general 1934, E. Annie Proulx, writer 1935, Bill Parcells, football coach 1941, Tori Amos, musician 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest dog in the kennel and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. The buyer said, "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," The owner replied, "He's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. The buyer said, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." The owner said,  "Well, no, I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour.

Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you." The buyer was flabbergasted. He said, "You're joking! This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"

The owner said,  "I know, I know, but he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Without looking up, Tim replied tearfully, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian, another is a Texas cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, leans forward and says,  "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's a-comin'.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. He said, "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for one million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the one million just to get to ask one question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his one question. The mayor asked, "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sometimes autocorrect can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Strange Restaurants

Although I prefer dining in small, intimate restaurants, I've eaten in every kind once or twice. From greasy fast food burger places to the most succulent fillet mignon in dimly lit restaurants, I've tried most of them out, especially when I'm hungry.

I assume that many of these "all you can eat" or "free salad bar and bread" restaurants are good for someone with a large family on a limited budget. Therein lies my problem.

I don't eat a lot at one sitting and the thought of ten thousand kids running wild kills what little appetite I might have. It was for just that reason that, years ago, my first visit to Chuck E. Cheese with my kids was also my last visit. But, I digress.

Lately, I've seen some TV commercials and there's just some restaurants that don't inspire the gourmand that lives within me. The idea of going to a restaurant, whose main attraction is a chocolate waterfall or cotton candy, doesn't give me the desire to visit. I can only imagine the residue that must be at the bottom of that chocolate waterfall, only to be recycled back to the top. Oh, yum.....

You can also forget that particular seafood restaurant whose commercials always make the seafood look bigger than actually served at the restaurant. I only went there because my parents favorite waitress and family friend worked there and that made them happy. As for me, the restaurant reminded me of a combination of a southern hoe-down and a basketball player reunion.

I've eaten there in the past and the shrimp I was served would be classified as "Shrimp Minute" (pronounced My-Newt). Either the forks they use for commercials are the size of a hammer or some one's fibbing.

I know that it's getting more and more expensive for restaurants to operate and some of them need a catch to pull in new people. I just don't thing that chocolate waterfalls and magnified seafood are the answer.

I don't go to new restautants for the food, I go for the story. If make it out without being robbed or getting food poisoning, I'm happy.

The News As I See It: Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, Obama's and Biden's.

In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, "Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?"

Obama said that he's working on a plan to release oil before November to lower gas prices. It will be released from our strategic election reserves.

The president said he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things. Either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no.

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan likes to catch catfish bare-handed. He'll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster.

Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all. Evidently, the Democrats are losing the porn star vote. That would never have happened under Bill Clinton.

The White House revealed that it brews its own beer and Obama drinks it when out campaigning. He drinks even more when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.

A new study found that vegetarian cavemen died earlier than cavemen who ate meat. Not from starvation — they were just murdered after they kept talking about why they became vegetarians.
 

This Date In History: 1964; As part of his Great Society policies, Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act which, among other things, established the Head Start program.

1968; The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations invaded Czechoslovakia. 1977; The space probe Voyager 2 was launched. It continues to explore to this day, and is now more than 7 billion miles from Earth.

1980; Italian Reinhold Messner made the first successful solo ascent of Mount Everest and without oxygen. 1998; U.S. cruise missiles hit suspected terrorist bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan.

Picture Of The Day: It's rough getting old but it's even rougher when you have to share your dentures.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Letting the government "pick winners" is like letting Zsa Zsa Gabor pick your spouse. 2) Sunrises are just as beautiful as sunsets only less crowded. 3) Okay, then what day will you have time for my shenanigans? 4) We want a cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what? 5) It's "before", not "b4". We're speaking English here, not Bingo.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: One day in the scary movie when the victim whispers, "Hello?", I want to see the killer shout out, "Hey! I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 20th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault." Chance of romance is....ah, forget it. Not much of a chance if you're running around naked.

Birthdays: Oliver Hazard Perry, American naval officer 1785, Benjamin Harrison, 23rd U.S. President 1833, Eero Saarinen, architect 1910, George J. Mitchell, public official 1933, Connie Chung, TV news reporter 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. The doctor asked, "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" The woman answered,  "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"

The doctor answered, "Well, Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Three guys were talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third guy says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. One of them asked, "What happened then?" The third guy said, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all of mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" God answers, "What's the problem, Eve?" Eve says, "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." From above, the Lord asked, "Why is that Eve?"

Eve said, "Lord, I'm lonely and I'm sick to death of apples." The Lord replied, "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." Eve asked, "What's a 'man', Lord?" The Lord said, "A man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time."

The lord continued, "But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed animals and not altogether bad in the sack."

Eve says, "Sounds great, my Lord." says Eve, The lord said, "Well, you can have him on one condition." Eve answered, "What's that, Lord?" The Lord smiled and said, "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

That's it for today, my furry little hamsters. Remember, it's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Miracle Of Mommy Spit

When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat. It didn't matter if we were in public or not, when Mom saw something on my face that she didn't like, out would come her little spit hankie and the cleansing would begin.

As far as I know, Mommy spit does not have any magical properties. Although I cannot accurately confirm nor deny this, it does appear to remove things that otherwise seem unremovable without soap and a brillo pad.

As I got a little older, I did began to see the theory behind the use of Mommy spit. It's immediate use was on crud that needed to be scrubbed ASAP. It was that unexpected moment of panic that came out of nowhere when she was heading to the supermarket, or even worse, to church and and she noticed a sticky grey smudge on my cheek.

Was there a bathroom around, a water fountain? Yeah, sometimes, but the bottom line is that it was just easier! Why is Mom going to search for a bathroom looking for water and something to clean with, when she had an endless source of cleansing liquid right in her own mouth? Sure, I might might end up smelling like saliva for the rest of the day, but it was fast and it worked!

I learned this with my own little dirty faces over the years and sometimes found myself licking my own fingers and performing a cleansing job.

Most mammals clean their young by licking them. Fortunately for me, Mom just used her spit, a little hankie and lots of love.....

The News As I See It: Joe Biden has a new slogan — "Chains you can believe in." Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, Obama says he's sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he's thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?

Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night's big Powerball lottery. Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.

It was 109 degrees Wednesday in Los Angeles. It was so hot, Joe Biden was putting his foot in his mouth just to cool it off. Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.

Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan as his running mate and they say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket. I was thinking Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, as well. Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he's fed up. So Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A Congressman.

A government survey has found that for the first time, 12 states have what they described as very high obesity rates. The survey was conducted by telephone. It just as easily could have been conducted by mirror.

Saudi Arabia apparently is planning to build a new city that will be reserved exclusively for women to work. We have a woman-only city here in America, too. It's called "The View".

This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush.

1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands. 1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people. 1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris.

1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide. 2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: A mother's love is unquestionable.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 2) The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 am. 3) I think some people's gene pool may have been one of those above ground ones. 4) The inventor of the doorbell did not own a Chihuahua. 5) I never was an Olympic athlete, but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: A great thought will enter your brain at around lunchtime in the next couple of days. Don't panic, occasional great thoughts happen to the best of us from time to time. The first question is if the thought is plausible and, more importantly, legal. Chance of romance will be determined by the answer you derive.

Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey 1887, Mae West,actress, comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, actor 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'." The old guy obeys and says,"99."

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One... Two...Three..."

Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. The woman replied, "Breast-fed."

The doctor said, "Okay, strip down to your waist." The woman complied. The doctor pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." The woman said, "I know, I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came." 

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nursed relied, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, men should feel sorry for all Olympic women soccer players. We know what it's like to try to score for 90 minutes and get nowhere. AREA 51 is my destination tonight. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

There's An App For That?

Yep, there seems to be an "app" for just about everything. Some are quite useful. I have a GPS directional app, a maps app and a weather app. These apps come in handy when I am out and about.

Although there are too many to check out, the rest of the apps don't seem very useful. I mean why would I have an app for a company that cleans up if my house floods? I did find a few that were really off the wall, though.

Passion will rate your "performance." If you pay for an app that rates your sexual performance, that should a relatively good sign that you're not too good at it. Passion uses the iPhone's microphone and accelerometer to somehow gauge your sexual performance. Price $ 0.99.

For $5.00, you can get an app that tracks a woman's labor contractions and e-mails the results to family members. Yeah, that's an app I need....text messages every five minutes from cousin Maybelle that they're on the way to the hospital but not to worry because Jethro has a six pack.

I think I'll just stick with what I've got and wait the additional ten minutes to get home and use my computer without wasting minutes on my date plan.....

The News As I See It: I really enjoyed watching the Olympics. The U.S. women's team took home the gold in gymnastics. It was weird, in a way, to see a group of American teenagers getting a higher score than a bunch of Chinese kids.

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. After the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team returned home to their houses in Los Angeles.

Congratulations to American Ashton Eaton. He won the gold in the Olympic decathlon. Hopefully, he will not do what many great American decathletes have done. You know, get bad plastic surgery and marry a Kardashian.

All our athletes did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners and future "Dancing With the Stars" contestants.

Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said losing to America was tough, especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.

This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor & Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash. 1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.

1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.

Picture Of The Day: This youngster is a Friesian-Appaloosa mix and he's a beauty!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Too much business, not enough monkey. 2) How can my mirror and my camera have such completely different ideas of what I look like? 3) When vegans go missing, they put pictures of them on soy milk cartons. 4) I talk to myself. I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. 5) Sometimes I feel like my life was just bunches of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: Make time to shop for car insurance this week, especially if you need to have certain exceptions. Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to your neighbors. Chance of romance cannot be determined until you resolve your insurance problems. 

Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1760, Walter Scott writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking.

Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?" Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah."

Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students."

The dean continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "You know, I just hate getting welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."

The social worker went on, "You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

She added, "This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me, man!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."

That's it for today, my little nanny goats. Remember, you're older than you think when your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Dance

It's been years since my high school days and I wonder if schools still have dances? I wasn't overly involved in dancing, but I played in several bands during that time and I remember that almost every Friday night, there was a dance somewhere.

Most of the guys that I knew obviously went to the dances to meet girls and few were true dancers. Probably the funniest thing to watch back in the day was a gangly teenage boy attempting to dance for the sole reason of "hooking up."

In those days, there was always a live band and a "disc jockey" was someone who played records on the radio. Yeah, I said it....records! Not "LP"'s or albums as we called them, but 45 rpm records.

Everyone "dressed" for the dance. Few wore jeans and almost no one wore sneakers. Those that did were usually "economically challenged." No one ever mentioned anything about the kid in jeans or sneakers as most of us were just thankful to have "dress" pants and "dress" shoes.

Yeah, the dress codes have changed quite a bit.....and not for the better. If anyone ever showed up at a dance with his pants below his ass, we would have de-panted him and sent him on his way.

Congratulations to the U.S. Olympic team in garnering 104 medals and leading all countries with the most Gold, Silver and Bronze medals.

The News As I See It: Only in America.....do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Olympic officials disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.

This Date In History: 1521; After a three-month siege, the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlán fell to the Spanish conquistadors, marking the end of one empire and the rise of another. 1906; An all-black army unit was accused of a shooting rampage that left 1 civilian dead at Fort Brown in Brownsville, Texas. In 1972 they were all exonerated.

1942; Disney's Bambi opened at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. 1961; The border between East and West Berlin was closed and marked with a barbed wire fence. 1995; Baseball great Mickey Mantle died of cancer. 2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his 11th career gold medal, becoming the first athlete in Olympic history to do so.

Picture Of The Day: This beautiful tiger cub and mother struck my fancy and I thought I'd share it with you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wonder if they executives at Walmart had a meeting and someone said, "I know, let's buy thirty registers and only keep two open?" 2) A relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off." 3) I roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got all the jokes. 4) You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee. 5) Hello, telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 40 minute flute solo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 13th: Going "wild" does not necessarily mean that you have to remove all your clothing. I'm not saying that's what you're doing or even planning to do, but you remember what happened the last time you pulled that stunt. Chance of romance is 50-50, depending on how you're dressed.

Birthdays: My friend Marilyn - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Anders Jöns Ångström, physicist 1814, Lucy Stone, reformer 1818, Annie Oakley, sharpshooter 1860, Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker 1899, Ben Hogan, golfer 1912, Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, premier of Cuba and resident asshole 1926, Don Ho, entertainer 1930, Midori Ito, figure skater 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office and asked, "Is it true that the medication you prescribed to me has to be taken for the rest of my life?" The doctor replied, "Yes, I'm afraid so."

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then. Just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'."

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." The attendant replied with a grin, "Well sir, you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon - a German, an American and a Mexican. Suddenly, they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" The Mexican says, "I will take nothing! He stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Amazons ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" The second man replied, "No, It's Thursday." The third man chimed in, "Me too, let's have a coke."  

That's it for today, my little road runners. Remember, I'll be friends with you guys til we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !