There's An App For That?

Yep, there seems to be an "app" for just about everything. Some are quite useful. I have a GPS directional app, a maps app and a weather app. These apps come in handy when I am out and about.

Although there are too many to check out, the rest of the apps don't seem very useful. I mean why would I have an app for a company that cleans up if my house floods? I did find a few that were really off the wall, though.

Passion will rate your "performance." If you pay for an app that rates your sexual performance, that should a relatively good sign that you're not too good at it. Passion uses the iPhone's microphone and accelerometer to somehow gauge your sexual performance. Price $ 0.99.

For $5.00, you can get an app that tracks a woman's labor contractions and e-mails the results to family members. Yeah, that's an app I need....text messages every five minutes from cousin Maybelle that they're on the way to the hospital but not to worry because Jethro has a six pack.

I think I'll just stick with what I've got and wait the additional ten minutes to get home and use my computer without wasting minutes on my date plan.....

The News As I See It: I really enjoyed watching the Olympics. The U.S. women's team took home the gold in gymnastics. It was weird, in a way, to see a group of American teenagers getting a higher score than a bunch of Chinese kids.

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. After the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team returned home to their houses in Los Angeles.

Congratulations to American Ashton Eaton. He won the gold in the Olympic decathlon. Hopefully, he will not do what many great American decathletes have done. You know, get bad plastic surgery and marry a Kardashian.

All our athletes did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners and future "Dancing With the Stars" contestants.

Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said losing to America was tough, especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.

This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor & Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash. 1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.

1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.

Picture Of The Day: This youngster is a Friesian-Appaloosa mix and he's a beauty!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Too much business, not enough monkey. 2) How can my mirror and my camera have such completely different ideas of what I look like? 3) When vegans go missing, they put pictures of them on soy milk cartons. 4) I talk to myself. I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. 5) Sometimes I feel like my life was just bunches of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: Make time to shop for car insurance this week, especially if you need to have certain exceptions. Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to your neighbors. Chance of romance cannot be determined until you resolve your insurance problems. 

Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1760, Walter Scott writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking.

Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?" Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah."

Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students."

The dean continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "You know, I just hate getting welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."

The social worker went on, "You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

She added, "This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me, man!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."

That's it for today, my little nanny goats. Remember, you're older than you think when your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !