Friday, August 17, 2012
The Miracle Of Mommy Spit
When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat. It didn't matter if we were in public or not, when Mom saw something on my face that she didn't like, out would come her little spit hankie and the cleansing would begin.
As far as I know, Mommy spit does not have any magical properties. Although I cannot accurately confirm nor deny this, it does appear to remove things that otherwise seem unremovable without soap and a brillo pad.
As I got a little older, I did began to see the theory behind the use of Mommy spit. It's immediate use was on crud that needed to be scrubbed ASAP. It was that unexpected moment of panic that came out of nowhere when she was heading to the supermarket, or even worse, to church and and she noticed a sticky grey smudge on my cheek.
Was there a bathroom around, a water fountain? Yeah, sometimes, but the bottom line is that it was just easier! Why is Mom going to search for a bathroom looking for water and something to clean with, when she had an endless source of cleansing liquid right in her own mouth? Sure, I might might end up smelling like saliva for the rest of the day, but it was fast and it worked!
I learned this with my own little dirty faces over the years and sometimes found myself licking my own fingers and performing a cleansing job.
Most mammals clean their young by licking them. Fortunately for me, Mom just used her spit, a little hankie and lots of love.....
The News As I See It: Joe Biden has a new slogan — "Chains you can believe in." Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, Obama says he's sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he's thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?
Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night's big Powerball lottery. Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.
It was 109 degrees Wednesday in Los Angeles. It was so hot, Joe Biden was putting his foot in his mouth just to cool it off. Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.
Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan as his running mate and they say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket. I was thinking Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, as well. Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he's fed up. So Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.
Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A Congressman.
A government survey has found that for the first time, 12 states have what they described as very high obesity rates. The survey was conducted by telephone. It just as easily could have been conducted by mirror.
Saudi Arabia apparently is planning to build a new city that will be reserved exclusively for women to work. We have a woman-only city here in America, too. It's called "The View".
This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush.
1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands. 1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people. 1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris.
1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide. 2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.
Picture Of The Day: A mother's love is unquestionable.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 2) The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 am. 3) I think some people's gene pool may have been one of those above ground ones. 4) The inventor of the doorbell did not own a Chihuahua. 5) I never was an Olympic athlete, but I did participate in a Toyotathon once.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: A great thought will enter your brain at around lunchtime in the next couple of days. Don't panic, occasional great thoughts happen to the best of us from time to time. The first question is if the thought is plausible and, more importantly, legal. Chance of romance will be determined by the answer you derive.
Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey 1887, Mae West,actress, comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, actor 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'." The old guy obeys and says,"99."
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."
The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One... Two...Three..."
Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. The woman replied, "Breast-fed."
The doctor said, "Okay, strip down to your waist." The woman complied. The doctor pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." The woman said, "I know, I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came."
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.
The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."
The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nursed relied, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, men should feel sorry for all Olympic women soccer players. We know what it's like to try to score for 90 minutes and get nowhere. AREA 51 is my destination tonight. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !