Preparing For The Final Week Of Shopping

We're in the final week of shopping before Christmas and thanks to television ads, everyone should have a good idea of what to buy for those last minute gifts. I mean, who wouldn't like a nice Chia pet? I'm sure every woman can't wait for hoodie footie.

Be sure to grab those great $19.99 gifts 'cause, wait, there's more! You get an extra one free! Just pay separate shipping and handling ($19.99). Such a deal!

Holiday shopping will be at it's peak this week and I bet you can't wait to park two blocks away to get into the stores and mix it up with all those polite last minute shoppers.

As an added attraction, roaming bands of thugs will also be making their last minute Christmas robberies an thefts. Imagine the holiday fun of playing avoid the thug. You can also look forward to seeing a shopping cart scratch or dent on your car, assuming you make it safely from the stores. I'll bet you'll be glad you bought a gun as a last minute thought. Ah yes, waiting to shop until the last few days. Ain't it a blast?

Jimmy's Journal has now been read over 100,000 times thanks to my pals and readers. It marks a very special plateau for me and it makes writing my journal a continuing pleasure. My deepest thanks to all of my friends, readers and followers!

The News As I See It: Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. After the 2112 elections, that's what the new president will be saying.

Macy’s is open 24 hours a day now. That's got armed robbery written all over it. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like that nightshift Santa.

Mitt Romney's hair style is becoming so popular that men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain. Lord knows what you get if you ask for a Pelosi.

American voters are turning to Ron Paul because doctors has determined that Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.

Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Right, because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their smart phones and pick up Time magazine.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." 1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."

1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997.

1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.

Picture Of The Day: My pal Nancy, a great photographer in her own right, once described my choice of pictures as eclectic. I would have responded if I knew what it meant.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A girl I know said she didn't know how to fight and I believed her, until she walked into that spiderweb and turned into a karate master. 2) Does anybody remember "Basketball Jones"? 3) I can't see any advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. 4) Golf balls are just as painful as athlete's foot. 5) Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: Don't let anything get in your way today. It's going to be a great day with a 75 percent chance of romance. So go for it sunshine, you never know until you take a chance. On a side note, put off the thought you had yesterday and take a few days to reflect on it. Buy peanut butter and don't roller skate in a buffalo herd.

Birthdays: Ford Frick, sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson, actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev, political leader 1906, Jean Genet, playwright 1910 Edith Piaf, cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey, hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson, actress 1933, Alberto Tomba, alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano, actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."

The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. Biff was going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. Tyrone was going into the 10th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

Biff went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan, Men on camels, two by two, Destination---Timbuktu." The audience went wild!

The clock started again and Tyrone sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-clubbin' went, Met three girls in a tenement, They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Linda in Washington state for their contributions to today's stories.

Two med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but I was wrong, too..."

A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

That's it for today my little snow plows. Remember, the needy are only thought of during the holidays. Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Possum S. Hemmingway

So you ask, what does Possum S. Hemmingway do when he's not watching Cats 101 on Animal Planet? He sleeps! Yep, Shithead, as he's affectionately known, is not one to waste time on silly things. His motto? When in doubt, take a nap.

That is, until I'm recording a song in my home studio. He always feels it necessary to add an occasional meow to my recording, rendering it useless. Then, he has the audacity to get pissed when I erase the song and start over. Yep, Shithead does his best work when he should be sleeping.

When I'm sleeping, however, he feels it's a good idea to go through the house and open every door and cabinet that he can find. The only reason that he doesn't open the front door and go for a walk is that he can't figure out how to unlock the door.

If all that commotion doesn't wake me, he has two final tricks in his repertoire. The first trick is to put his seven-toed front paw under his food dish, raise it and let it fall to the floor with a loud thud. If that doesn't work, his last resort is to sit on the bed, watch for any movement under the covers and attack it like the true ninja cat that he is.

Naturally, once he's satisfied that I'm up and awake, his work is done and he again assumes his position on the sofa to take a nap.....

I find it hard to understand the hullabaloo about Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow taking a knee after scoring a touchdown and offering a silent prayer. It amazes me that the media and everyone else has a remark or opinion while at the same time, every monkey in the NFL has a rehearsed celebration dance or move after even the slightest accomplishment, much less scoring a touchdown.

The News As I See It: If there is a government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. That's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my Blackberry as I was going to work.

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, "I am also not a fan of gay milk."

Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. Even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.

Lindsey Lohan has completed her Christmas shoplifting. She's been in court so often they finally hung her picture in the cafeteria next to O.J.’s

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. That's weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators. 1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.

1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium. 1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first black secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The one thing that seems to keep all women and most cats out of real trouble is that they're always cute after the fact.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Anytime you feel down and bad about yourself, remember that you were the fastest sperm. 2) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 3) If you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. 4) Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 16th: It's going to be a good weekend for you now that you've got all your Christmas shopping done. Hey, Christmas parties, free drinks and mistletoe? What else could you ask for. Chance of romance is 85 percent with drinks, 55 percent without.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen, novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick, writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The alter boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language." Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss.

They suffered so much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, Life is meant to be lived! On the other hand, you have five different fingers. AREA 51 beckons me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Time And Time Again - And In The Same Pile Of Dog Poo

From the magazine who selected Adolf Hitler in 1938 as it's person of the year, Time magazine has again turned to a concept for its latest person of the year, choosing "The Protester" in recognition of a year in which unhappiness with politics and the economy was given voice in streets around the world, most notably in the Mideast.

Time picked its first person of the year, then called man of the year, in 1927 with Charles Lindbergh, who put aviation on the map. In the years since, it has chosen the good, Mohandas Gandhi in 1930; the bad, Adolf Hitler in 1938; and even the ugly, the computer in 1982. Responding to the Cold War, the magazine praised Hungarian freedom fighters in 1958, and it's thematic ideas have included Baby Boomers in 1966 and Middle America in 1969.

The selections carry with them a certain amount of self-promotion for the magazine. The choices (like the ubiquitous 10 best lists also entering their busy season) could help boost circulation as well as the prestige of the designee and the institution making the award.

Personally, I think it's just self promotion by the slowly dying magazine to boost its declining circulation, but I will say this. I don't care too much about what other countries do, but in America, I consider anyone wearing a mask to hide their identity to be a thug, thief or trouble maker and my gun site will be aimed at them.

Hey, it could have been worse. They had a wide field of idiots and misfits to chose from including, Nancy Pelosi, her obnoxious protege Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Harry Reid, Rick Perry, Barrack Hussein Obama or The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.....

The News As I See It: Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year, bringing with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. Then he will go to Los Angeles and give the same message to the rest of the Mexican people.

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the "country of Solyndra." Wrong again Rick, the 500 million went to Obama's political cronies.

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my God, they captured Joe OBiden?"

Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last week. He lit the menorah and then Joe OBiden came in, sang happy birthday and blew out all of the candles.

A global study just released found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which Obama said, "See? That's what I’ve been trying to tell you people."

CBS has a Christmas special coming up called Kim Kardashian: The 12 Days of Marriage.

A Russian man is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened.... which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1799; George Washington died at age 67. 1819; Alabama became the 22nd state in the United States. 1911; Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating an expedition led by Robert F. Scott. 1939; The Soviet Union was dropped from the League of Nations.

1967 DNA synthesized for the first time. 1981; Israel formally annexed the Golan Heights. 1985; Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma. 1989; Nobel Peace laureate Andrei D. Sakharov died in Moscow at age 68.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Regina who made me this cute little singing parrot.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everybody seems to be in a very festive Christmas mood. Yesterday, I saw two strangers splitting a cab. One guy took the tires, one guy took the radio. 2) I've been diagnosed with Christmas Carol Senile Dementia: Walking in a Winter Wonderland miles from my house in my slippers and robe. I don't know if I'll be Home for Christmas. 3) Christmas Carol Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? 4) San Francisco Christmas Carole Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are. 5) I went shopping today and among the wide selection, I saw the perfect Christmas tree. I examined it closely and, sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 14th: Today is not a day to wear yellow. There's a reason why police put up yellow tape at a crime scene. No ill winds will blow your way today so go ahead and light the candles. Chance of romance is 30 percent....it's not you, that's just the odds. Oh...and don't take tuba lessons.....

Birthdays: Nostradamus, French astrologer and physician 1503, Tycho Brahe, astronomer 1546, John Mercer Langston, public official, diplomat, educator 1829, James Doolittle,aviator, military leader 1896, Shirley Jackson, writer 1919, Patty Duke, actress 1946, Michael Owen, soccer player 1979, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, actress 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My girlfriend and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?" She answered, "No...." I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes...." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" She sighed, "Yes, he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since." The man replied, "My God! Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot....

A man decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

Murray Lipschitz went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mrs. Lipschitz awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Murray picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. Mrs. Lipschitz said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

That's it for today my little fruit cakes. Remember, anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. AREA 51 is my destination for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday Night At Holleman's For The 50's Party

Friday night's outing to AREA 51 took me to see my pals at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs for a good 'ole 50's party. As usual, Linda and Randy (mostly Linda) took a lot of pictures and really went out of their way to make it a great party. The ladies really carried the theme by dressing in the 50's style. I haven't seen crinolines in years.

It was also Tom Curtis' 96th birthday party and both Tom and Hazel looked great. There are always a lot of good karaoke singers performing there and I was fortunate to sing "You've Got A Friend" in duet with my friend Carol.

Holleman's restaurant has always offered quality dining and Friday nights are a great time to see friends and have fun. The drinks are overpriced and served in undersized glasses, but the pours are relatively generous. The atmosphere and camaraderie more than make up for the price of the drinks.

The News As I See It: Occupy Portland is now blocking ports along the west coast. This endangers shipping and jobs when both are so important around the Holidays. I wonder at what point in time is someone going to go postal on these idiots and wipe out about a hundred or so of them? It will probably be with arms lost by the Feds in Operation Fast and Furious, then smuggled back to America to commit crimes.

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad.

A group of Florida grandmothers posed nude for a calendar to help raise money for charity. The charity was the "Wish We Were Blind Society."

Rick Perry was asked what he'd do about the West Bank. He said he’d bring back free checking.

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first African American in the U.S. House of Representatives. 1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre.

1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain. 1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida. 2001; Yasir Arafat closed the offices of Hamas and Islamic Jihad.

Picture Of The Day: Linda and Randy and other photos from Friday night's party.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The phone will not ring until you leave your recliner and walk to the bathroom. 2) I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep. 3) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. 4) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 5) I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 12th: Okay, so this year your birthday falls on a Monday. Hey, everyone gets their chance with Mondays, so have a great time. Do something different today (except for that stunt you pulled last year) and make it a great day. Chances for romance are extremely high, but bear in mind that's partly due to the fact that it's your birthday and the pity factor.

Birthdays: John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805, Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" The sinner replies, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighs and says, "Very well, go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits, her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The American nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Amreican and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off?!" The American wrestler replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Cajun Mawhoney for her contribution to today's stories.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." The drunk replied, "Tits!"

That's it for today my little pine cones. Remember, reading in the bathroom is not considered multi-tasking. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I've Become My Father

There's an old adage that sooner or later, one becomes just like one's parents and it seems to ring true. I've become my father. I've become a bit more grumpy as I age and now, I also tend to wake up at 5 am on any given morning, just like Dad. The only times that I don't wake up by 5 am is when I get home at 4 am from a night in AREA 51, just like Dad......

I've also noticed that a lot of my friends that I've known since childhood also have begun to look like his or her parent. Hopefully, your parents looked good in their older age and chances are you will be a decent looking old codger, as well.

If not, the only redeeming factor in ultimately resembling you parents in your golden years is having the satisfaction of knowing that your father wasn't the milkman.

Sorry to hear that veteran actor Harry Morgan passed away recently at the age of 96. I can remember watching Harry on Dragnet on black and white TV, back in the day. His role as Colonel Potter on the television series "MASH" was also a memorable role. Rest In Peace Mr. Morgan.

The News As I See It: The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black guy from Hawaii.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. His barber got the death penalty. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor went to jail. To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian's marriage and add 14 years. Blago was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.

According to reports, one of Moammar Gadhafi’s sons had an elaborate plan to sneak into Mexico. Authorities broke up the plan before it took place. Believe me, if there's one thing Mexico will not stand for, it’s people sneaking over their border.

On December 7th, there was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam.

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister's exact words were "India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them."

Congressional Idiot Department: When asked about Operation Fast and Furious by Fox News, Congresswoman Nydia Velazquez (Dem-NY) had a quizzical look on her face. The reporter subtly asked, "You've heard about it?" The congresswoman replied "No." These are the people representing the public in Congress, my friends.

It's a shame that Herman Cain suspended his campaign. He touched so many people.

This Date In History: 1941; China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland. 1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.

Picture Of The Day: Can any say eclectic? Festivus is coming.....prepare!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. 2) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. 3) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami" so I stabbed him. 4) If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 5) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: It's a great Friday so make the best if it. Dress up and go out! Chance of romance is high and chance of inebriation is low. Don't try the karaoke, liquor always makes you think you can sing.

Birthdays: Joel Chandler Harris, humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff, author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton, actor 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906, Thomas P. (Tip) O'Neill, political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Junior Wells, musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actor 1962, Crown Princess Masako, royalty 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, "In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

A 2010 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Of course, your mileage may vary.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be ok. Did you enjoy last night?"

She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma.

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, in 1872 the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. I'm going to AREA 51 tonight for some partying. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !