Monday, December 19, 2011

Preparing For The Final Week Of Shopping

We're in the final week of shopping before Christmas and thanks to television ads, everyone should have a good idea of what to buy for those last minute gifts. I mean, who wouldn't like a nice Chia pet? I'm sure every woman can't wait for hoodie footie.

Be sure to grab those great $19.99 gifts 'cause, wait, there's more! You get an extra one free! Just pay separate shipping and handling ($19.99). Such a deal!

Holiday shopping will be at it's peak this week and I bet you can't wait to park two blocks away to get into the stores and mix it up with all those polite last minute shoppers.

As an added attraction, roaming bands of thugs will also be making their last minute Christmas robberies an thefts. Imagine the holiday fun of playing avoid the thug. You can also look forward to seeing a shopping cart scratch or dent on your car, assuming you make it safely from the stores. I'll bet you'll be glad you bought a gun as a last minute thought. Ah yes, waiting to shop until the last few days. Ain't it a blast?

Jimmy's Journal has now been read over 100,000 times thanks to my pals and readers. It marks a very special plateau for me and it makes writing my journal a continuing pleasure. My deepest thanks to all of my friends, readers and followers!

The News As I See It: Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. After the 2112 elections, that's what the new president will be saying.

Macy’s is open 24 hours a day now. That's got armed robbery written all over it. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like that nightshift Santa.

Mitt Romney's hair style is becoming so popular that men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain. Lord knows what you get if you ask for a Pelosi.

American voters are turning to Ron Paul because doctors has determined that Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.

Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Right, because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their smart phones and pick up Time magazine.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." 1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."

1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997.

1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.

Picture Of The Day: My pal Nancy, a great photographer in her own right, once described my choice of pictures as eclectic. I would have responded if I knew what it meant.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A girl I know said she didn't know how to fight and I believed her, until she walked into that spiderweb and turned into a karate master. 2) Does anybody remember "Basketball Jones"? 3) I can't see any advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. 4) Golf balls are just as painful as athlete's foot. 5) Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: Don't let anything get in your way today. It's going to be a great day with a 75 percent chance of romance. So go for it sunshine, you never know until you take a chance. On a side note, put off the thought you had yesterday and take a few days to reflect on it. Buy peanut butter and don't roller skate in a buffalo herd.

Birthdays: Ford Frick, sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson, actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev, political leader 1906, Jean Genet, playwright 1910 Edith Piaf, cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey, hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson, actress 1933, Alberto Tomba, alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano, actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."

The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. Biff was going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. Tyrone was going into the 10th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

Biff went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan, Men on camels, two by two, Destination---Timbuktu." The audience went wild!

The clock started again and Tyrone sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-clubbin' went, Met three girls in a tenement, They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Linda in Washington state for their contributions to today's stories.

Two med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but I was wrong, too..."

A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

That's it for today my little snow plows. Remember, the needy are only thought of during the holidays. Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

So the fore runner for Jimmy's Journal started in 1732 by Benjamin Franklin and he called it Poor Richard's Almanac! I don't know why I didn't put that together sooner.

Thanks for an entertaining read.

Paula said...

Congratulations on your 100,000 mark.

jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

I came back because of a T E S T, but the drink was still there between her ..... Aw You know.... and it hadn't even spilt (NOR BEEN DRUNK or is it drank?)

( I know at least ONCE in your life (not using your hand) you have picked up a glass with your teeth and downed the drink, and replaced it on the Bar.) So you see I can imagine you putting the empty cup back where you got it (or at least trying to!)
Have a good day!!!

garnett109 said...

100,000 views and a million laughs, thanks Jimmy!

Missy said...

I'm done with my shopping!! Thank God!

You're Blog is a blast.. Congrats on your 100,000 mark!