Friday, February 12, 2010

A Saint Valentine's Day Story

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." ~Unknown

I recall many Saint Valentine's day experiences and the obligatory anecdotal tales that accompany them. One story in particular still amuses me and I thought I'd share the story with you.

About 25 years ago, I arranged a ski trip with one of my corporations for a group of about 60 friends and skiers to Heavenly Valley in Lake Tahoe Nevada. We stayed at Caesar's Palace and the trip was going very well with plenty of great daytime snow skiing and night time revelry and parties at the hotel and casino.

My wife and I were in our room getting dressed for dinner and a night out. Since she takes twice as long to get ready than I do, I thought I'd do some quick shopping for Valentine's day and her birthday the following day. I told my wife I was going to look at some sports jackets downstairs and to join me when she was finished dressing.

I went down to the shopping area of the hotel and browsed the various stores looking for ideas. As I passed the jewelry store, I thought I'd take a look at the rings and bracelets and entered the store. Walking passed the display cases, I noticed a beautiful tennis bracelet and stopped to take a closer look. As luck would have it, there was only one sales person in the store and she was "drop dead" gorgeous.

I figured if I was going to have to part with my money, at least I'd enjoy the ride, so I asked the girl to show me the bracelet. It was even more exquisite up close and the price reflected why it was so nice. It didn't take much...a beautiful bracelet and a flirty sales girl and voila!...out came my American Express card. I paid for the bracelet and asked the girl to gift wrap it for me, explaining the that it was a birthday and Valentine's day gift.

My wife walked into the store just as the salesgirl smiled at me and walked to the rear of the store to wrap the bracelet. My wife walked up to me and said, "I thought you were looking for a sports jacket." I said, "I was, but I stopped in here to look around." My wife said, "I know. I saw that sales girl smiling at you."

Not wanting to let the cat out of the proverbial bag, I said, "I was thinking about buying a watch." My wife said, "I know what you were thinking about. I'm not blind and I know how 'charming' you can be." About that time, the sales girl came out from the gift wrapping area and handed me the bag containing the gift.

I said to my wife, "I wanted to wait until your birthday, but there's really not a better time to give you this than right now." I opened the bag and gave her the wrapped gift. Her eyes lit up as she opened the box and when she saw the bracelet, she melted like ice cream on hot apple pie. The sales girl said, "You're a lucky woman. I wish I had a man like your husband." The gods could not have scripted it any better.....

A St. Valentine's Day Hint For Men: Do yourselves a big favor and do not, I repeat, do not buy your lady a pajamagram, a teddy bear gram or a snuggy for Valentines Day. While these items are cute, they can be purchased any time and work so much better as a spur of the moment gift unassociated with any important date. To further simplify this message, important dates include: your lady's birthday, your wedding anniversary, Valentines Day, Mother's Day and Christmas.

It's a Nascar Daytona weekend with the Daytona 250 Camping World Truck race tonight, the Daytona 200 Nationwide series race on Saturday afternoon and the Daytona 500 Sprint Cup race on Sunday afternoon. Mark Martin and Dale Earnhardt Jr start on the pole and outside pole respectively and it wouldn't hurt my feelings to see either of them win the Daytona 500.

The News As I See It: My friend, Linda sent me a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners. Have a solid steel booth that passengers step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling! The Iranian government announced that they are going to start their own national e-mail service as a way to build trust with the people. Because if there’s anyone you can trust with your e-mail, it’s the Iranian government.

The federal government is shut down from the snow storms, but the good news for Washington D.C. is there have been no homicides for eight days. There have been a number of drive-by snowballings, however. They estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity in Congress. I don't think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. It's nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?

Bob Dylan performed at the White House in honor of Black History Month. Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota. A new study in Washington, D.C., found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by thieves and muggers. The second most popular shoe worn by thieves are yours.

This Date In History: 1554; Lady Jane Grey, queen of England for nine days (in 1553), was executed for high treason. 1733; Led by philanthropist James Edward Oglethorpe, the first English colonists arrived in Georgia, at the site of Savannah. 1818; Chile formally proclaimed its independence from Spain. 1870; The Utah Territory granted women the right to vote (revoked in 1887).

1909; The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded. 1912; Pu Yi, the last emperor of the Manchu (Ch'ing) dynasty in China, renounced his throne following the establishment of a republic under Sun Yat-sen. 1973; The first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam war took place.

1999; The Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. 2002; Yugoslavian ex-president Slobodan Milosevic went on trial for war crimes.

Picture Of The Day: Saint Valentine's Day pictures are the obvious theme for today with a few drinks for the ladies, a bouquet of roses and a little froggie to kiss and turn into Prince Charming.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Possum, cried today because he wanted food. When I went into the kitchen, there was food in his dish. So I grabbed his dish, opened the cupboard and pretended to grab a handful of cat food. Then, I noisily moved the same dry cat food around and set the dish back down. Purring and content, he ate it. Go figure! 2) It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. 3) Why do people say "needless to say"? 4) When you see people write really long things on a napkin, do you ever think to yourself, "Would that fit better on a paper towel?" 5) Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Erika. Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States 1809, Charles Darwin, naturalist 1809, John L. Lewis, labor leader 1880, Anna Pavlova, ballerina 1881 Omar Bradley, general 1893, Costa-Gavras, director 1933, Bill Russell, basketball player 1934, Judy Blume, writer 1938, Christina Ricci, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'" John says, "We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.

The bartenders says, "Ah, England ! Wonderful Country....the history, the beer, the culture...." John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England ?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Linda and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, '"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent.

The rabbi pondered over the conversation for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi leaned over to the priest and said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

That's it for today my special little Valentines. Remember, love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. I'm going to Happy Hour in AREA 51 and see my Valentine. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Wow you've been around the Valentine wagon a couple of times. Lot of good advice here. Hope you have a nice one.

Linda's World said...

Happy Valentine's Day weekend to you & PSH. Linda in rainy Washington state

Rose said...

Loved your Valentine Story.

Enjoy your weekend.

Hugs, Rose

Senorita said...

Happy Valentines Day, Jimmy ! Hope it is grand !

Julie said...

Fun post today Jimmy, kept me chuckling and loved all the jokes

salemslot9 said...