Friday, February 19, 2010

Sometimes Life Is Like A Road Runner Cartoon

Tiger Woods' press conference was held today. Only select journalists were invited and no questions were taken. Essentially, we listened to him read a sterile apology from notes. Word has it that Obama offered him his teleprompter, but Tiger thought it was a bit "gauche." Tiger has apologized several times now but he needs three more to tie David Letterman's record. Personally, I was hoping he was going to announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.

Tiger did clarify the rumor that wife Eland had attacked him on Thanksgiving and categorically denied that she hit him with a nine iron. Taking distance and windage into consideration, he thought it was either a soft eight iron or a hard seven iron.

He announced that he would be returning to rehab for further treatment for his "Problem." Then, like a script from "As The World Turns," the statement ended with Woods repeating that he was sorry and then turning to the arms of his awaiting mother, who hugged and consoled her wayward son.

I don't particularly believe that "sex addiction" is a valid syndrome. It is an excuse for being caught with your "pants on the ground" and a means to escape the wrath that is generated. In any case, I would love to see how one is "treated" for that theoretical malady.

The News As I See It: President Obozo has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors and George "Dubya" Bush immediately stood up and screamed, "It's nucular!" In the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, there's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating. Three skaters have tested positive for "fabulous."

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast. 1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima.

1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

Picture Of The Day: I thought I'd break out a few of my favorite cartoons for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. 2) Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am busy worrying about my future? 3) I would like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 4) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5) Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Nicholas Copernicus, Polish Astronomer 1473, David Garrick, actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro, jockey 1916, Carson McCullers, novelist 1917, Lee Marvin, actor 1924, Smokey Robinson, singer 1940, Amy Tan, novelist 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Detroit residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny said, "What's that?" Tina replied, "A condom." Sunny said, "Where'd you get it?" Tina said, "You can get them at any pharmacy"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely, but politely asked what brand she preferred. Sunny said, "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, I'm a divorce attorney."

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

That's it for today my little beannie weenies. Remember, as you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

When I was still working, "Casual Friday" was actually abolished for that very reason! Can you believe it? Some people have no brains! I didn't see Tiger's TV appearance today. I do think the press should leave them all the heck alone. And as far as sexual addiction~I think that mostly it's a lack of self control. You know, I love hot fudge sundaes, but no one can eat several a day and for days at a time. Good grief! And what's happened to good old self respect & fidelity in a marriage? Have a marvy weekend and hugs to PSH. Linda in Washington (state not D.C.)

Senorita said...

I wouldn't believe a word out of Tiger Woods's mouth. I think he was only sorry that he got caught.

Your pictures and cartoons really cracked me up. Thanks for making me laugh.

Have a nice weekend !

Rose said...

Love your face on the Milk Carton! LOL

Regarding Tiger...hey, I believe he loves his children and his wife. I think he nailed it when he said with all his wealth and fame, he didn't think all those rules applied to him. That sorta happens to most celebs...too much money gets them into too much trouble.

I don't think those bimbos meant anything to him at all. But he is old enough to know right from wrong.

Just glad he is not my husband! But then again......he is loaded! Hmmmmmmmmmmmm! What a Divorce Settlement that would be! LOL

Hugs, Rose

That does not make what he did right.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy , I see that you hit it big time, you got your face on a milk carton

Martha's Menagerie said...

I couldn't believe everyone was all caught up in the Tiger Woods stuff again today, ugh!

Have a great weekend Jimmy! :-)

Anne said...

"Ball Buster" and I are laughing at your jokes and dancing to your beautiful music. Smooches! Anne

Paula said...

You are full of doo doo today Jimmy but thats why I like you. Funny entry as always.

Joann said...

I didn't listen to Tiger Woods, i wouldn't believe his apology anyway, I'm just SOOOO SICK of him. Loved the jokes, and LOVE the milk carton!! LOL!!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Hi Jimmy I wonder if Tiger Woods would be apologising if he had not been caught out !!!!!! ~ Loved the jokes ~ Ally x