Sometimes Life Is Like A Road Runner Cartoon

Tiger Woods' press conference was held today. Only select journalists were invited and no questions were taken. Essentially, we listened to him read a sterile apology from notes. Word has it that Obama offered him his teleprompter, but Tiger thought it was a bit "gauche." Tiger has apologized several times now but he needs three more to tie David Letterman's record. Personally, I was hoping he was going to announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.

Tiger did clarify the rumor that wife Eland had attacked him on Thanksgiving and categorically denied that she hit him with a nine iron. Taking distance and windage into consideration, he thought it was either a soft eight iron or a hard seven iron.

He announced that he would be returning to rehab for further treatment for his "Problem." Then, like a script from "As The World Turns," the statement ended with Woods repeating that he was sorry and then turning to the arms of his awaiting mother, who hugged and consoled her wayward son.

I don't particularly believe that "sex addiction" is a valid syndrome. It is an excuse for being caught with your "pants on the ground" and a means to escape the wrath that is generated. In any case, I would love to see how one is "treated" for that theoretical malady.

The News As I See It: President Obozo has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors and George "Dubya" Bush immediately stood up and screamed, "It's nucular!" In the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, there's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating. Three skaters have tested positive for "fabulous."

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast. 1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima.

1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

Picture Of The Day: I thought I'd break out a few of my favorite cartoons for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. 2) Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am busy worrying about my future? 3) I would like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 4) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5) Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Nicholas Copernicus, Polish Astronomer 1473, David Garrick, actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro, jockey 1916, Carson McCullers, novelist 1917, Lee Marvin, actor 1924, Smokey Robinson, singer 1940, Amy Tan, novelist 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Detroit residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny said, "What's that?" Tina replied, "A condom." Sunny said, "Where'd you get it?" Tina said, "You can get them at any pharmacy"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely, but politely asked what brand she preferred. Sunny said, "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, I'm a divorce attorney."

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

That's it for today my little beannie weenies. Remember, as you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !