The Grammy Awards - Does Your Momma Know You're Wearing That?

Okay, maybe I'm not as fashion wise as Armani, Yves St. Laurent, Gucci or Christian Dior, but I know an ugly dress when I see it. The 2010 Grammy Awards was held last evening and musically, it was good. On a fashion note however, my first thought was, "What in hell were you thinking?"

The 52nd annual Grammy Awards was definitely a ladies affair. Taylor Swift took home album of the year and three other awards, and the night's biggest winner was Beyonce. With her six trophies, she becomes the winningest female in Grammy history and the record for most wins by a female artist in one night. The Black Eyed Peas, Jay-Z and Kings of Leon won three. Artists who won two awards include Colbie Caillat, Lady Gaga and Rihanna.

The Recording Academy honored the late Michael Jackson with a tribute during the Grammy telecast. It featured a 3D mini movie that was designed for his This is It Tour of his song Earth Song. This piece was seen for the first time ever at the Grammy telecast. Michael's children Prince and Paris Jackson received the Michael Jackson Recording Academy Lifetime Achievement Award on behalf of their father.

Performances by Elton John and Lady Gaga, Pink and Beyonce were excellent and musically, the evening was interesting. The dresses and other outfits worn by the performers and attendees were, you should pardon the expression, the pits! Cyndi Lauper, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Hudson wore dresses that looked like they were made by designers on drugs.

Mary J. Blige wore a rather nice dress but unfortunately, it did match the prison tattoo on her arm. I wonder when women will ever understand that outrageous tattoos look really skanky with formal evening wear.

The News As I See It: In the State of the Ruin – I mean State of the Union address, Obama said the number one priority is saving jobs. His job, Joe Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, Nancy Pelosi’s . . . Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. After eight years of George Bush, I’m just happy we have a president that can read.

This Date In History: 1790; The Supreme Court of the United States convened for the first time, in New York City. 1862; Julia Ward Howe's poem "Battle Hymn of the Republic" was published in the Atlantic Monthly. 1884; The first volume of the Oxford English Dictionary A–Ant, was published. 1946; A press conference announced the first electronic digital computer, ENIAC, was held at the University of Pennsylvania.

1960; Four black college students began a series of sit-ins at a white-only lunch counter in Woolworth’s, Greensboro, N.C. 1968 During the Vietnam War, a Viet Cong officer was executed with a pistol shot to the head by Saigon's police chief and the image captured in a famous news photograph. 1979; Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Tehran after 15 years of exile.

2003; The space shuttle Columbia disintegrated as it tried to reenter the Earth's atmosphere after a sixteen-day mission in space. All seven members of the crew were lost. 2004; Janet Jackson's famous "wardrobe malfunction" occurred at Super Bowl XXXVIII

Picture Of The Day: The Grammy Awards had some far out fashion statements, some of which were quite attractive and others, which....well, left something to be desired. In particular, Cyndi Lauper looked like she just stopped by on her way to rehab and the dress choice of Jennifer Hudson was rather dowdy.

Jennifer Lopez' dress looked nice except for an article of clothing hanging down the front which reminded me of a muffler or some form of winter wrap. As for Lady Gaga, her singing ability notwithstanding, she's really not too much to look at.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a man and a woman are having sex and they finish at the same exact time, is it wrong to say, "Jinx, you owe me a coke?" 2) One of my blonde friends thinks that an erection is when Japanese people vote. 3) I had a prostate exam recently and I have a question. Is it normal for the doctor to dim the lights and put on a Johnny Mathis album? 4) Chastity is curable, if detected early. 5) Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Coke, jurist 1552, Hattie Wyatt Caraway, U.S. senator 1878, John Ford, film director 1894, Clark Gable, actor 1901, S.J. Perelman, comic writer 1904 Dame Muriel Spark, novelist 1918, Boris Yeltsin, Russian president 1931.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Grandpa used to enjoy his morning walks but he began to fall quite often so his son took him to the doctor to have him examined. After the exam, the doctor approached the son to give him the results. The doctor said, "Your father is fine. I examined him thoroughly and he's in great health." The son said, "Are you sure? What the falls that he's had?" The doctor says, "He'll be fine. Just remind him to tuck his testicles in his sox before he starts out."

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was. As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye. As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

The little girl asked, "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" Her father said, "They're mating, honey." The little girl said, "Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" Her father replied, "He's called daddy long legs." His daughter said, "Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweetie, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them. Bewildered, her father asked, "Why did you do that?" The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

That's it for today my little billy goats. Remember, the problem with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !