Friday, September 16, 2011

The New Fall Television Lineup?

The economy is going to hell in a hand basket and the political news is disgusting, with the Solyndra scandal representing the latest incompetance from the White House. But fear not, we can always count on the new fall television lineup...or can we?

If the television networks use the same strategy as Obama has used to pull America from financial ruin, we may be in for some viewer disappointment.

Based on that theory, I present to you my version of what the new fall television shows would look like if Obama and O'biden were producing and scheduling the shows.

The News As I See It: Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer.

Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, "Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney."

Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together at a Mexican restaurant in Arizona. It wasn’t good. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen, then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.

President Obozo’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president or if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe O'Biden. Odumbo is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that piss you off? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.

The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, "At least we created one new job."

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant. 1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress.

1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law. 1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 1975; Papua New Guinea became independent.

1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut. 1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production on substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 168 nations have joined the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it's the new fall television lineup brought to you by those same zany idiots who produced Barack Obozo and his inept Congress. This should be a great season to watch TV from the comfort of whoever's home you live in now that your home has been foreclosed.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend works at the kitchen. 2) If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. 3) When I was a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. That Smokey is way more intense in person!

4) In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!" 5) I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Fridays are great days to have a birthday. If worse comes to worst, you don't have to work tomorrow and you have more time to figure out at which bar you left your car. Romance is defintely on the horizon, so don't settle for less like you usually do. And definitely no blind dates! You've been on so many blind dates, you should get a free dog. Dress nice and remember what I told you about clean underwear.

Birthdays: Childhood friend and race car champion Gary and my pal Natalie - Happy Birthday all 19XX, James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, B. B. King, guitarist 1925, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce whe Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda from Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "Does this mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "Sure does. Just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house and said, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Johnny said, "You need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act." Before dad can even react, Little Johnny jump on his dad's back and yells, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride Daddy!"

Relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, daddy continues going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off..."

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!" Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!"

Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!" A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

That's it for today my little dandy lions. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Time for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

damn, that lil johnny gets around!

jack69 said...

Okay Jimmy, it has been so much fun reading the Journal. And when the SS troops arrive and take you join the older Hoffa guy, we gonna think of you in good terms but we ain't gonna tell no body we knowed you!
I enjoyed this one though, probably your last, . and Garnett is right, Johnny do get around.
See you in a week! (If you are still around)
Sherry & jack

Rose said...

Snookie needs more than a dictionary!

I can't believe they actually put some of these dumb reality programs on TV.......Ugh.

Hugs, Rose