Friday, September 30, 2011

Bring Back Charlie !

After two episodes of the new "Two and A Half Men", I've come to the conclusion that the show may be in trouble. The regular and very talented ensemble cast are still doing a great job, but Ashton Kutcher just isn't going to get it done.

Kutcher's contract with CBS is only for a year and recently, Charlie Sheen and CBS management seemed to be warming to each other. The show has been a gold mine for CBS since it premiered in 2003 and is already in syndication. CBS can surely see the handwriting on the wall and should start making preparations to bring Charlie back from the dead.

Senior Al Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki and another America-born militant were killed in Yemen early Friday morning by a CIA-led U.S. drone strike, marking the highest-profile takedown of terror leaders since the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound.

Two Predator drones hovering above al-Awlaki's convoy fired the Hellfire missiles which killed the terror leader. According to a senior U.S. official, the operation was carried out by Joint Special Operations Command, under the direction of the CIA. A total of four people were killed in the attack. Life's a bitch! Great shot, boys!

Today's History Lesson: In 1850, One hundred and sixty years. California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed.

The News As I See It: Obama said if you donate $5 to his re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. Now, they’ve dropped the price from $5 to $3. It’s the first presidential groupon. I'm thinking that Obama's taking whoever wins to Church's Fried Chicken.

If nothing else, "Jersey Shore" proves that evolution is still a work in progress.

Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.

NASA says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.

Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins. While it was interesting to elect the first mulatto president, it would be sweeter to see Obama kicked out of office by the second black president. Cain kicked Rick Perry's ass in the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and screws you.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. It was weird, because the bison’s last words were, "I . . . hate . . . the new Facebook layout!"

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials.

1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash. 1966; Botswana gained its independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Just some cute little animals and an interesting observation at the bottom.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 2) I used to date a woman who couldn't cook although she protested that she could. Hey, even I know that fabric softener doesn't go into meatloaf. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she cant find her pencil! 4) Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 5) Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking Toto - Dorothy.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 30th: "Pride goeth before the fall." This has nothing to do with you, I just like to say that. As for you, I see some partying going on tonight, especially for my pal Anne in Arizona. Hit the wine slowly, you know how you get. No chance of rain and a good chance of romance, especially if you finish the wine. Your choice of shoes may affect the evening.

Birthdays: My pal Anne - Happy Birthday my love! 19XX, Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, 75th Governor of Georgia 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Elie Wiesel American writer, writing in French 1928, Martina Hingis, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man with tickets to the World Series finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "Incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series and not use it?"

The old man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

The stranger replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet that, in a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Budweiser. How about you?" The second man replied, "Screw you, Towel Head."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A group of Kentucky third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs horse track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "pee-pees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." He replied. "No ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today, but I appreciate the help."

An aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues."

The Cardinal continued, "Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, to be politically correct you cannot call people who steal from stores during crises "looters" anymore. You now have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

It is good to know that Priests tell the truth!!!
Thanks for a great read my friend. Have a great time at AREA 51!

garnett109 said...

I still did not see the new 2 1/2 men

Rose said...

I liked Charlie too but he messed up so many times that he really doesn't deserve another chance. He blew it this time.

It would only bring a message that it is o.k. to continue messing up and you will never lose your job or your family.

Got to grow up and go off the drugs.

Paula said...

Lots of laughs here tonight but I really liked the teacher/jockey one.

Woody said...

Bring back Charlie, I agree !

Coelha :B said...

:) Hi Jimmy---loved reading your journal tonight :) Julie