Friday, September 23, 2011

The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling!

Tonight or tomorrow, a satellite the size of a bus is expected to fall to earth. A NASA spokesman says that it will hit somewhere between the tip of South America to Northern Canada. Asked to narrow it down, the spokesman said he wasn't a rocket scientist.

Okay, there is only a one-in-3,200 chance that its debris could hit a person, but someone gets hit by lightning at least once a month. Hey, people even win the lottery where the odds are (you'll excuse the word) "astronomical."

I wonder what the odds are against getting hit by lightening, surviving, then checking to learn that you've hit the lottery, subsequently walking outside to tell your wife and getting killed by a runaway satellite the size of a bus?

The Department of Justice recently spent sixteen dollars per muffin at a meeting. In a time where America is screaming about rising costs and the national debt, it seems to me that the price of those muffins wee a bit "over the top." This is exactly why the government is in such deep financial do-do.

At first, I hoped they were at least bran muffins, but in retrospect, I think the memebers of the justice department and other government agencies are so full of shit, that the bran muffins just might do them in.

The News As I See It: "The X Factor" is a new singing competition show with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Who says there are no more original ideas in television? Simon Cowell left "American Idol" so he could spend more time at home judging his family. You can always tell Simon Cowell is coming back to TV when there’s a shortage of black T-shirts in the boys department at Sears.

More information is coming out about our other presidential candidates. Did you know that Mitt Romney's real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Thank God he had the good sense to change it to "Mitt."

Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run, there are no other jobs out there.

Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.

The military’s policy of "don’t ask, don’t tell" is officially over. Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft. Word is that our next war could be a musical.

Forbes has come out with its list of the richest people in America. One of them is the CEO of Starbucks whose secret to success is that he doesn’t buy overpriced coffee at Starbucks.

A new study found that quitting smoking can actually improve your memory. Which explains why President Obama is finally starting to remember those campaign promises he made.

This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis. 1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis. 1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune.

1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing. 1973; Former Argentine president Juan PerĂ³n returned to power.

Picture Of The Day: Space Debris, what else? Oh yeah, and a corn maze for blondes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. 2) Kittens play with yarn. They bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" 3) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. 5) Kids in the back seat cause accidents and accidents in the back seat cause kids.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Libra - September 23rd: There's a satellite the size of a bus that's supposed to hit Earth today or tomorrow. So, if I were you, I'd look left, right and up before crossing the street. Other than that, romance is probably not in the cards tonight but Saturday looks great so dress accordingly. The number 55 will have significance for you this weekend. I wonder why?

Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist 480 or 485 B.C. Augustus, Roman emperor 63 B.C. William Holmes McGuffey, educator 1800, Mary Eliza Church Terrell, activist 1863, Walter Lippmann, essayist and editor 1889, Harriet Hardy, physician 1906, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship. It read, "Sir, I'm sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear end was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back, "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man explained, "Well, it was like this. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

The doctor said, "What happened next?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like to buy some more.

The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any." The blonde says, "But I always get it here." The pharmacist says, "Do you have the container it comes in?" The blonde says, "I'll go get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Two girlfriends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming the breast stroke across the English channel. The brunette came in first and the red head right after. When they were taking the blonde back on a lifeboat she said, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

That's it for today my little rose buds. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

6 comments:

garnett109 said...

Jimmy I wouldn't worry about the 535 million it's chinas money anyway!

Linda's World said...

Hopefully the space bus lands in the ocean & not on a cruise ship or a freighter. I've been to that corn maze.....it's tough & that's the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paula said...

Like the blonde jokes today.

FrankandMary said...

I'm still stuck on the muffin. I'd love to bake muffins for the DOD. There's a career goal ;o.
~Mary

FrankandMary said...

Well ok, it was the Dept of Justice. I'm getting old. Forgive me...

jack69 said...

You can't be that good, probably because I have not been getting the Jimmy fix regularly. LOL I have laughed and snickered and cackled on this one, I must be drunk!!!!

Good to be back and reding Jimmy's JOurnal. Sherry will get here later and have to go over th whole thing. Yeah I'll laugh again!!!

Thanks maybe some of the 7 pounds will leave because of the belly action.

Thanks Jimmy,
Sherry and jack back from the sea, but ready to return!!!