Monday, September 19, 2011

Today is "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", So Brush Up On Your Somali Pirate Negotiating Skills

Today is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." I'm trying to play along but my Somali is pretty rusty. But, what the hell, I drink to "Potato Week" so I'll try. You can speak like a pirate if it floats your boat but it's more important to drink like a pirate. Slurred speech makes one sound like a drunken pirate.

Celebrations of this Day was started 1995 by John Baur ("Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark Summers ("Cap'n Slappy"), of the United States, who declared that on this day everyone should talk like a true pirate. The parodic tradition caught on and turned into a yearly holiday, to the great joy of the pirate fans all over the world, except Pittsburgh.

So remember, when you see your co-worker or a boss today, instead of usual "Hello" greet them with "Ahoy, me hearty!" and then duck because they'll probably have no idea of what you're talking about.

The News As I See It: It’s the first day of Oktoberfest in Germany. Nothing says problem drinking like starting Oktoberfest in the middle of September. The Germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. That’s why they’re fascinated by David Hasselhoff.

A Republican is going to be filling Democrat Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down first.

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if Obama's the kind of guy who makes infomercials or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister.

An earthquake struck Cuba. No tsunami warning was issued, but Florida residents were told to expect a wave of Cuban rafters.

This Date In History: 1881; President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2nd. 1934; Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder. 1955; President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup.

1957; The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert. 1962; Governor Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi. 1985; The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994; U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 2001; The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the September 11th terrorist attacks.

Picture Of The Day: The pirates of politics fit quite well into today's post beginning with Barack the pirate and the rest of today's pirate culprits. My personal preference is Sarah Palin because of her booty.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there. 2) Mexicans drive low riders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes. 3) George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. 4) I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q." 5) All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 19th: The devil will definitely go down to Georgia and other places as you celebrate your birthday week. If I were you, I'd begin preparing various alibis just in case. Mine has been prepared for a week now in anticipation of the havoc that might be created. The name "Belvedere" may leave a lasting impression on you.

Birthdays: My pal, drinking buddy and partner in crime, Emilio - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, George Cadbury, manufacturer, social reformer 1839, William Hesketh Lever, soap-maker, philanthropist 1851, Benjamin Reifel, Sioux activist and U.S. representative 1906, Sir William Golding, English novelist 1911, Jim Abbott, baseball pitcher 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!". and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. The Director said, "Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The visitor said, "Oh, I get it, a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." The Director said, "No, a normal person would just pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar, sees him and says, "Murray, I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you drink like this before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend, Morris." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. His friend says, "But, I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore! Morris is!"

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A middle-aged man met an older woman at a bar one night. She was rather attractive for her age and they drank and shot the bull for quite a while. Then, she asked the man if he ever had a mother and daughter threesome? The man said no.

They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night." They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

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