Blind Dates

Okay, maybe blind dates aren't quite as bad as I make them seem, but I have never, ever gone on a blind date that didn't end up disastrous in some form or another. I guess I'm more of the type of guy that wants to see, you'll excuse the expression, the "lay of the land" before I make a commitment. I'm relatively sure most women have the same philosophy as I've never known too many women that met their mate on a blind date.

Nevertheless, everyday I see one of those dating services that invite you to pay them money and they will match you up with the woman of your dreams. Fortunately for me, my dreams change every night and I've never felt the need to pay someone to "hook me up".....but I digress.

I know that almost everyone, at least once in their life, has gone on a blind date or at least heard the oft used phrase, "I've got someone I'd like you to meet." This phrase is usually answered by the question, "What does she look like?" Most of the time if the answer contains the phrase, "great personality" or "lots of fun", I find it best to feign some form of illness or temporary insanity.

As for me, I still meet women the same old way. No, not AREA 51. I use the same method that I use when buying fresh vegetables at the super market. I just wander through the aisles, look at the selection, handle the product and make my selection. Uhmmmm.....handling the product is not always an option, but you get the drift......

The News As I See It: It hasn't been a good week for dictator Moammar Gadhafi. A spokesperson for the Libyan rebels said Gadhafi will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

A protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, "Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?"

Michelle Obama said her daughters watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, "If I want to see a giant ass who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe O'Biden."

There's a new smartphone app that can help you determine if someone is cheating on you. The app is called "Craigslist."

ABC news reports that Moammar Gadhafi had a crush on Condoleezza Rice and even dedicated a photo album exclusively to her. Rice told him she was flattered but she's trying to work things out with Kim Jong Il.

The truck filled with Obozo's teleprompters went missing and Obama was speechless. Meanwhile, Joe O'Biden’s teleprompter shot itself.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar. 1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War.

1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp. 1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: Just practicin' for Halloween.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress" - John Adams. 2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 3) "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow. 4) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 5) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 21st: The plan for today is to stop and smell the roses. I suggest that you don't grab the stalk as it is thorny. Do not apply this theory at happy hour unless you're sure that the lady's name is not also the name of a flower. And, by the way, I said thorny, not horny. There's a difference.

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes to his doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have a lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good grief! I'd better take a look" After the examination, the doctor said, "It's worse than I though and that's just the tip of the iceberg"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replied, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. He says, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. He says, "That's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. He says, "Wow! I can't believe it...it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" The blonde says, "That's easy! He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted. Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my best friend." The blonde looked at her, "Just take it." The redhead said, "Well, I saw this on the 5:00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off." The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

That's it for today my little guppies. Remember, an object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. I'm going in the right direction to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !