Friday, October 28, 2011

T R I C K O R T R E A T ?

It's Halloween weekend and there are parties everywhere. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up, which has been very successful, is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

As for the "kiddies", I always buy a bunch of candy, though no kids ever come to my house mainly because of the moat. Some of the fourteen and fifteen year old kids bravely try to swim the moat but most fail to make the crossing because of the alligators. For those who do make it, I always have a couple of Snicker bars as a prize for making it but most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage in my rowboat back across the moat. Yeah, I just love the spirit of Halloween.....

The News As I See It: This Halloween, one of the most popular costumes is the Snooki costume. It's easy to make. You just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. He said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.

A Delta passenger recently proposed to his girlfriend on the plane, after they met on a Delta flight back in 2010. Of course, since it’s Delta, they’ve actually just been stuck on that plane since 2010.

Obama was on the Tonight show Wednesday night. I think he enjoys visiting NBC because they're the only place that has lower numbers than he does.

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race.

A company in Illinois is selling a collectible doll of Obama. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.

1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy. 1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected - Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pics and a couple of movies altered a bit for Halloween.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I get scared when I start making the same noises as my coffeemaker. 2) Any man can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. 3) Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 4) You know that your grandparents are still having sex when grandma regularly looks at grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 28th: Since Monday is Halloween, I suggest you buy your candy today! By the way, just a warning that if you open your door on Halloween night and find a small bag on fire, do not stomp it out. Trust me on this one and put it out with water. As for today, eat light and remember the best Halloween parties are tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts. actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

In the early 20th century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

That's it for today my little papooses. Remember, drive safely this weekend. The life you save may be mine! It's Friday and AREA 51 is calling me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

And I cannot believe you came up with this line and printed it:

With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

OUCH!~ But then that ain't a bad idea! Learning to ride bare back.
I have applied for lessons.

REGINA said...

oh i love dressing up. only problem i have is that i wear glasses and cannot see without them, so when trying to accomplish a scary vampyre look, it is less believable with glasses on. a few years ago i decorated the 114 year old victorian house i rented at the time. i had a bigger than life size grim reaper on the porch next to a bubbling cauldron, with finger foods and eyeballs. i was dressed up with a black wig, spidery costume on, white makeup and black lipstick and blsck fingernails, etc. the porch wasn't lit, and there was eerie music playing. a group of boys around 12 years old came onto the porch. the tallest and biggest was eyeing the grim reaper and acting like he was a little concerned about it coming to life. he backed right into me standing in the corner. when he turned to see me, he screamed and peed his pants. the smaller kids kidded him about it all the way down the sidewalk lol. i felt bad, but i have to admit it was very funny. i enjoyed your journal as i always do, jimmy. keep it going.

Linda's World said...

The gal that checked out my groceries the other day asked me what I was going to be on Halloween. I happily told her I was going to be in the back of the house, in my room, watching 'Dancing With the Stars'
The lights will be off in the front of the house & hopefully the little ghosts and goblins won't egg my house or car. I have no moat so this is my only choice.

Rose said...

I hate Halloween!