I'm just about ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence. It's working. I did buy myself some Ghiradelli 60% cacao chocolates and I also bought some candy corn should any of the little tykes swim the moat and avoid the alligators.
To save the economy on November 10, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home. I started crying when I thought of my readers.....see you on the bus.
The News As I See It: Comedian Jerry Lewis recently said that he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, Jerry, me too....
Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change.
Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It's part of the federal government's "Meals Under Wheels" program.
The estate of Jack Kevorkian says they plan to auction off 17 paintings by the famous suicide doctor. Ironically, they say the characters in the painting really seem to come to life.
In California, it took rescue workers 90 minutes to free a man from the inside of a hollow tree. Thus proving that the obesity epidemic has even reached the Keebler elf community.
The United States government says it's okay for British Petroleum to resume offshore drilling. Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?
Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, "Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!"
This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains. 1864; Nevada became the 36th state.
1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole. 1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.
Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites, especially Pelosi.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I found out my girlfriend was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning! 2) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 3) My friend's wife suggested that he get himself one of those penis enlargers, so he did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) My fiend was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I told him, "Bro, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether!".....and that's five.....!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Tonight's Trick or Treat so remember to cut off all your lights and watch tv in the bedroom. If that doesn't work, you might try heading over to AREA 51 until the little tykes are overcome by a sugar rush. On the bright side, you might try dressing up and walk on your knees. You may score a few Snickers bars.
Birthdays: My pals Cary and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like that idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around....... He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.
In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."
That's it for today my little gremlins. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Have a Happy Halloween and more on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !