Friday, July 29, 2011

Remember When?

Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember Wednesday when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that he had to study for a urine test? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!

Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? too!

The News As I See It: A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is "corrupt." The other 64 percent think Congress is "extremely corrupt."

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada or a cheap rental country for a while.

It may be time for a woman president. At least a woman would have the intelligence to stop and ask for direction.

Cowboys and Aliens has hit the silver screen. The movie has cowboys shooting at aliens. They already have that in Arizona.

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that said, "One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac."

This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.

1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer. 2003; Red Sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.

Picture Of The Day: I couldn't really find the exact idea I had in mind today, but these aren't bad. I do like the democrat versus republican picture featured below.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend went to CVS pharmacy and asked for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "I need medical proof that you need it." My friend said, "Will a picture of my wife do?" 2) The economy is so bad that when I ordered a burger at McDonald's, the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" 3) She said, "If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!" 4) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 5) My busty lady friend failed to see the humor when I asked her if she had two nipples for dime.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: Most of the things you're doing are going well, so there's no need to give up now. Don't worry, be happy. The only thing that you should beware of is feeding the pigeons in the park. I'm not saying don't feed the pigeons, I just think you should get the flock out of the park. Romance is in the air, mixed in with the smog and stuff.

Birthdays: My pal Tony. Happy Birthday Buddy! 19XX, Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Benito Mussolini, dictator 1883, Dag Hammarskjold 1905–61, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61) 1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936, Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" The farmer replied "manure."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer replied, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks how old he is. The old man says, "I'm ninety years old." The madam says, "Ninety?!" Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry, how much do I owe you?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

How To Treat A Woman: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat A Man: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

The mailman says, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "Who Am I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "It's probably a good thing you did. Your name came up four or five times."

That's it for today my little aardvarks. Remember, If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour but you can bet your ass I won't be cooking breakfast when I get home! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Government Shutdown? I Thought It Already Had !

Don't fall for political phony tax cut tricks, commonly referred to as "creative accounting." That's where politicians promise not to spend possible future monies and government accountants considered that a "tax cut." Both Democrat and Republican plans utilize "creative accounting".

The debt reduction plan introduced by Sen. Harry Reid (D) of Nevada, the Senate majority leader, assumes the government will save $1 trillion over 10 years by winding down the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and saving an additional $180 billion in interest payments from not continuing to have big war-related expenses. Reid's plan extends the debt ceiling past the 2012 election, which is a major reason why Obama supports it.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R) has a two step plan which also includes the same $1 trillion "savings" in tax cuts. Boehner's plan would also establish a joint Congressional committee to identify savings in the future. The proposals of the 12 member panel of House and Senate members would be guaranteed an up or down vote in the Senate by the end of the year.

Uh.....guess what, kiddies? The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are winding down anyway. These future savings are already in America's coffers, so how is that a "tax cut" Quite frankly, ideas like this "creative financing" is the reason why no one trusts the president, congress and all politicians, in general. Bottom line? How do you know when a politician is lying? His lips are moving!

In Other News: If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by August 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing. President Obozo urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls cost 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.

The News As I See It: The newest trend in Washington, D.C. and other cities is flash robberies. That's where large groups of urban thugs organize, meet outside a store or business, rush in overwhelming the clerks and run out with thousands of dollars of merchandise. No word yet from civil rights leader Al Sharpton as to any violations of the thugs' civil rights.

OnC NN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obozo of "hiding in the basement" during debt ceiling talks. While Joe O'Biden accused President Obozo of "locking him in the basement" during debt ceiling talks.

News reports say that if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn’t that auto club mind its own business?

Cowboys and Aliens is supposed to be the next big movie blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?

Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. He first told us God told him to run. Now his wife is telling him to run. The big difference is if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife.

More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms.

The TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision yesterday after Aretha Franklin boarded a flight at Los Angeles Airport.

Mick Jagger is 68 years old. He’s still out there touring, although now it’s more like "wandering off."

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Bugs Bunny made his debut in the cartoon "A Wild Hare". 1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20).

1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War. 1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Comedian Bob Hope died in his home, at the age of 100. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record.

Picture Of The Day: Two things struck my attention during my picture search today. The first was of the Art Deco district in Miami Beach (below) and the other was my appreciation for the old TV show, "The Dukes Of Hazard" (waayy down below....). I never did care much for the TV show but I sure did like those "Daisy Dukes"!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 2) You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. 3) The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. 4) When in doubt, do what the President and Congress does......guess! 5) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. Alas, I repeat myself.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: I know you love those baked beans you ate for dinner last night, but you'll pay for eating them today. Well, they may not really bother you too much, but I wouldn't spend much time in close quarters or elevators today. That aside, today should be nice as long as you don't push your luck. Oh yeah, speaking of gas, you might want to stop by a service station today. While you're at it, check your tire pressure and for God's sake, buy one of those green piney things to hang on your rear view mirror.

Birthdays: Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Down south near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-heritage population, a farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English." The farmer replied, "Use two hands, you'll get more water."

Tommy was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

Grandma was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth and said, "Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Little Tony said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds and Billy's mom wants to talk to you."

An elderly man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." She went on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. She said, "They're not hanging Wright tonight." He whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?"

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying....'Congratulations on your new location!'"

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."

The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row and the man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill. The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers......"The butler did it."

That's it for today my little gumdrops. Remember, everyone will believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they'll always check when you say the paint is wet. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 25, 2011

Possum Thinks I Sing for Him

My cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, thinks that I sing for him. At least that's my assumption. Every time I record a song, he comes over and sits by me as I record. Besides being a bit distracting, he occasionally meows along with me while I'm singing. This, of course ruins the recording session and I have to begin anew.

When I go to my YouTube site to either upload a recording or play one of my songs, he appears out of nowhere to sit beside me. Of course, he may just be interested in looking at the video to see if his picture is in it, as I sometimes feature him. He never comes, however, if I'm playing songs from another singer or group.

As of yet, he has not made any unkind comments or snide remarks while my songs are playing. Furthermore, he has not had the audacity of taking a dump during my recording sessions. As one can plainly see in the picture above, when all is said and done, Possum returns to his job as security guard on the sofa.....

The News As I See It: News Reports are referring to debt ceiling plans by both Democratics and Republicans as "Dueling Debt Plans". I don't know about that new buzzword but I did see "Deliverance" and I'm relatively sure that the kid that played the banjo is now a Congressman and is one of the sponsors of the proposed bills.

It was so hot in Iowa that Michele Bachmann couldn’t tell if her headache was a migraine or a brain freeze from her Slurpee.

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, which is kind of sad because the only other person who knew Huntsman was running for president was the campaign manager.

In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products.

A new study found that your personality can trigger weight gain. I imagine that's true, especially if you have the personality of a big fat guy.

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture of the Day: What can I say?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to AREA 51 on Friday night and I told my barmaid I was drinking to forget. She asked me to pay in advance. 2) Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Special effects are a close second. 3) 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer equals one lite year. 4) I read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading. 5) Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time and sometimes, it even has its own lawyer. Everything affects it - kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.....!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: Okay, let's get one thing straight right off the bat. A Leo has nothing to do with being a lion. Don't get a big head if someone says you're a lion. They may have said, "You're lying" and that could very well cause problems. Aside from that, today looks pretty good for you. In fact, I'd buy a lottery ticket if I were you. Romance, on a sliding scale of one to ten, is in the high sevens. Romance on a regular scale could cause back problems.

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Thomas Eakins, American painter, photographer, and sculptor 1844, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: TA middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. She said, "I'll write it down so you don't forget." The old gent said, "I won't forget."

The old woman said, "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so, I'll write it down." The old gent said, "I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry."

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down. You forgot the toast."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An elderly couple named Murray and Marge live in Miami Beach. Murray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Marge looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated Murray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Marge looks up and says, "So, Murray, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Murray yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Marge?" Marge says, "Nope." Murrays screams, "It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!" Marge replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Murray, shoulda bought a hat....!"

Men Are Just Happier People:

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man..

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

That's it for today my little beanie babies. Remember, summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 22, 2011

How Hot Was It?

There's a heat wave raging across America and there's no relief on the horizon. Health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, "We are home. We have no jobs." Weather experts say that a million square miles of the U.S. are under a "heat dome", but don’t worry, there's plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.

The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees yesterday. It was so hot that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling. Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.

It was so hot in the Midwest that people were sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to explain why he's been spending more time with the pool boy instead of the maid. It was so hot that people were standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.

There's still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat - a seat that will soon be repossessed. House Speaker John Boehner invited new democratic and republican congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.

The News As I See It: I don't think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Hell, old people don't even know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper.

Rupert Murdoch and his son testified before parliament and did something that many powerful people would have done.....they blamed others.

The city of London has fined Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Obama said, Don't worry, my grandkids will pay for it." Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, I'd suggest getting him the same present the "Scarecrow" wanted in "The Wizard Of Oz".

NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

The Dalai Lama had a private meeting with Obama. The Dalai Lama wanted to discuss the political situation in Tiber and Obama wanted to know if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls.

If the national debt debates continues the way they have, we could very well hit the national political bullshit ceiling.

This Date In History: 1796; Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by General Moses Cleaveland. 1933; Wiley Post became the first person to fly solo around the world. 1934; John Dillinger was shot to death outside Chicago's Biograph Theater. 1937; Franklin D. Roosevelt's "court packing" scheme was rejected by the U.S. Senate.

1975; Congress restored Confederate general Robert E. Lee's U.S. citizenship. 1990; Greg LeMond won his third Tour de France. A Minnesota native, Lemond was the first American to win the great French cycling race. 2003; Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Ousay, were killed in a firefight. Ooday ooyay eallyray aircay?

Picture Of The Day: A picture paint a thousand words, or in this case, ice cubes.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones". A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do. 2) A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he said he could stop any time. 3) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

4) The Governor of California, Gerry Brown, announced that he intends to make it more difficult for illegal aliens to claim government and state benefits. Hell, all they have to do is print the forms in English. 5) One of my lady friends went with me to the shopping mall and I used the new valet parking. She said to me, "You are so sweet!" I told her, "Yes, and on top of that, the valet always remembers where I parked the car.".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 22nd: Okay, I know it's Friday and you want to go out tonight and let your hair down, but remember to do a little grooming first. You know what I mean. If it doesn't rain on Saturday night, it will on Sunday so plan your barbecue accordingly. By the way, you're not going to get out of inviting your mother-in-law to the barbecue, so go ahead and buy her a bottle of Southern Comfort so she nods off early.

Birthdays: Gregory Mendel, Austrian monk known for his work in heredity 1822, Emma Lazarus, poet and essayist 1849, Edward Hopper, artist 1882, Alexander Calder, sculptor 1898, Stephen Vincent Benét, author 1898, Amy Vanderbilt, journalist, author 1908, Oscar de la Renta, fashion designer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

A beautiful blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

The farmer says, "Well, you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. The blonde agrees.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" Luke says, "Yeah, I remember." Jed says, "Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?" Luke says, "Nope, I reckon not." Jed says, "Me either, let's take these things off."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Pat in the U.K. and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium and it was filled with patients. He approached the desk and gave the receptionist - a large, imposing woman - his name. In a very loud voice, she repeated his name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?

The man was stunned, but recovered his composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

The third-grade teacher said to little Sammy, you're late again!" Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked." Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

Little Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him! 'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids! He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's ass crack! Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

That's it for today my little sea horses. Remember, don't worry if you can't recall how to throw your boomerang. It'll come back to you. Now if I can just recall how to get to AREA 51...... Anyway, have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I Don't Know If Those Were Real Haboobs I Saw In Arizona, But They Were Definitely Spectacular !

In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of all pertinent new scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a new phenomenon that is plaguing Arizona in addition to the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

For the second time in the last thirty days, a giant dust storm inundated the city of Phoenix. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.

Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs are taking the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera. Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.

While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: It doesn't surprise me that the British police couldn’t stop the high-tech phone hackers. They couldn’t even stop a guy walking into parliament with a pie.

President Obozo said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until August 4th. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.

The California 405 freeway is being widened, retrofitted and reinforced. Or as they call that in Los Angeles, "getting the full Kardashian."

A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.

Philadelphia has a new plan to ticket pedestrians who text without looking up while they opposed to the previous punishment - lamp posts.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated. 1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister.

1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. 1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: One thing about haboobs, they always make me think of Kim Kardashian....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. 2) Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one of mine, somebody starts chasing me with scissors. 3) Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have a scotch on the rocks. 4) Everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes. 5) I may be getting older, but I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Today could be your lucky day, so buy a lottery ticket. Don't go apeshit, it only takes one winning ticket to solve your financial woes. And please don't confuse woe with whoa, it'll really hamper your sex life. On a brighter note, your mother-in-law lost her voice arguing with your father-in-law last night, so she'll have nothing to say when she pops in this afternoon. Buy low, sell high!

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 'An elderly nun in the back muttered, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minute, he turned to leave.

The reporter approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" The man replied, "Murray Lipschitz." She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years." The reporter said, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults."

The reporter asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no." The man raved on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters "C Z A N O W I C Z." The optician asked, "Can you read this?" The Polish guy replied, "Read it? I know the guy!"

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his unit unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and said, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. An old woman stood up and timidly said, "I'll try, but promise me you won't hit me on the head with that beer bottle."

That's it for today my little onion rings. Remember, the National Schizophrenic Convention is this Friday. Anybody who's everybody will be there! It's Hump Day, and time for a midweek excursion to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some Karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !