Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Difference Between Man And Woman

There's a book (and a concept) called "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus." I did not read the book, nor did I find it necessary to do so. The concept, however, has generally seemed to be to be amusingly accurate. With that in mind, I give you the following thoughts.

Nicknames: If Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha. But if Mike, Jack, John and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Dipshit, Beer Breath and Tubby.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Jack, John and Rob will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Seinfeld."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The News As I See It: Lady Gaga has a role in the new movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie.

Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it was a holy day.

I'm still getting over the fact that "The Artist" won the best picture Oscar. Some critics believe this will bring back silent films. I think that before we bring back silent films, we should start by bringing back silent audiences.

People at the Academy Awards were talking about Angelina Jolie's dress, which showed off none of one leg and all of the other leg. She's very thin. Uggie, the dog from the "The Artist", was behind her on the red carpet. He didn't know whether to hump her leg or bury it.

Obama announced that due to the rising price of oil and gas, they are considering dipping into the national strategic re-election reserves. Sorry, I meant strategic oil reserves.

Rick Santorum says he's against separation of church and state. Now if we can just get him to be against the separation of sweaters and sleeves.

This Date In History: 46 B.C.; The first Leap Day proclaimed by Julius Caesar. 1692; Three women, Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba, were the first to be accused of witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. 1784; John Wesley issues "Deed of Declaration" formally establishing the Methodist Church.

1796; George Washington proclaimed Jay's Treaty in effect. 1849; The steamship California landed in San Francisco, bringing the first East Coasters to the Gold Rush. 1916; Henry James, American novelist and critic, died.

1940; Hattie McDaniel became the first black woman to win an Oscar. She won the Best Supporting Actress award for her role as Mammy in Gone with the Wind. 1944; General Douglas MacArthur led the invasion of the Admiralty Islands. 1948; The last British troops left India.

1960; Hugh Hefner opened the first Playboy Club in Chicago. 1968; Robert McNamara resigned as Secretary of Defense in the wake of the Tet offensive. 1972; Hank Aaron became the first baseball player to sign a $200,000 a year contract. 1983; The final episode of M*A*S*H aired. It was the most watched television program in history.

1986; Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme was shot to death in central Stockholm. 1993; Four federal agents were killed in Waco, Texas, after they tried to serve an arrest warrant for weapons charges on Branch Davidian sect leader David Koresh, starting a 51-day standoff.

Picture Of The Day: My pals Garnett and Jack have implied that my personality seems to manifest itself in this picture. I represent that remark....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the bar last week, the bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-mother-in-law. 2) When Brother Kirt and I were young, we liked to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering us up. 3) My friend joined a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday. 4) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 5) This politically correct thing is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 29th: Take the time to enjoy your birthday! The next one's in four years. Hey, at least you're not aging like the rest of us. Chance of romance is 97.62 percent which is considerably high for a person who uses a birthday as an excuse for sex.

Birthdays: Ann Lee, religious visionary 1736, Gioacchino Rossini, Italian Composer 1792, Herman Hollerith, inventor 1860, Antonio Sabato, Jr., actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple is skinny dipping in a lake and when they return to shore, they discover that pranksters have stolen their clothes and blanket. Embarrassed, the couple run to their car and began driving back to their home. The boyfriend is so busy trying to drive and console his nervous girlfriend that he crashes the car into a tree outside of a neighborhood bar and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells his girlfriend to go inside the bar and get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe, cover your breasts with one hand, your pubic area with the shoe, and get help!"

She takes the shoe and runs into the bar. Inside, the bar is almost deserted with the exception of the town drunk. She runs over to the drunk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The drunks replies, "I’m sorry lady, but I think he's too far in."

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and his wife were driving across the country on their way from New York to California. Passing through a small town in West Virginia, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 5 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high octane pump. The attendant asked,"What can I do for ya'll?" The man replied, "Fill it up with high test."

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he looks at the car up and asks, "What kinda car is this? I never seen one like it before." The man said, "This is a 2012 Cadillac Seville STS." The attendant asks, "What it got in it?"

The man says, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, Sony sound system, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package and best of all, a fuel injected V8 engine." The attendant says, "That's really something!"

The man says, "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" The attendant says, "That'll be $30.17." The man pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.

Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. The attendant asks, "What are those little wooden things?" The man says, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive." The attendant says, "Wow! Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

One day a woman went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap. Then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole rung up, she felt the sudden need to fart, really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. The blind man looked up and says, "It all comes up to $85." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole, $5 for the stink bait and $10 for the duck call."

That's it for today, my little spark plugs. Remember, in order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. I'm going to AREA 51 at Mango Martini Restaurant and Lounge to hear my pal Everett and "The Mighty Band With No Name." More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

For obvious reasons I ain't commenting on the woman/man thang!

However I will admit to using my birthday as an excuse, also the 4th of july and Christmas, She says her birthday don't count for me.
Now about those wooden things that hold up balls......

Nite. oh, GArnett is a smart fellow, your hand is hard to recognize camoflaged. I think it was 'where it was' that gave you away!!

Paula said...

I study that man/woman book every once in a while.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy I love that pic of the beer hound!
Jack Monkey see Monkey Do!

REGINA said...

jimmy, my bf insists i get that book and read it. says it will reduce the stress i claim he causes me. but i have another book i am reading. it contains lots of voodoo spells and rituals i can learn and use on HIM. lol.