My Life In The U.S. Army - Part Deux: Fort Sam Houston, Texas

One of the first things I learned in boot camp is don't volunteer any unnecessary information. I learned this lesson from Drill Sgt Tamayo who read my profile information and learned that I was a carpenter. That little tidbit is how I became the company carpenter. I should have said that I was an alcoholic.

After completing basic training. I was transferred to Fort Sam Houston, Texas. Fort Sam seemed like Disneyworld compared to Fort Polk, but don't let a pretty face fool you. The first leader group we encountered were a group of men with purple helmets who gave us preliminary directions as to barracks, training assignments, etc. This particular group we referred to as "grapeheads" and they seemed to live the Life of Riley (ask your parents if you're not familiar with the term).

As it turned out they were nothing more than trainees that had been given temporary rank. Almost immediately, several other men and myself were culled from the group and told that because of our high training scores, we were to become "grapeheads." I'm thinking if I have to be here, I may as well have rank.

I quickly learned that to become a grapehead, you had to extend your training an additional three weeks. During my interview, I gave every possible bad answer I could think of and, alas, I did not make the cut. I had been through this before in basic training when I was advised that they wanted to make me an officer because of my test scores. Unfortunately, it required me to go to another six months of officer candidate school, which I politely declined. I wanted to be a General anyway and that position was already taken.

So, we began training to be combat medics and the classrooms were actually air-conditioned, unheard of in the Army at the time. We also did a lot of field and combat training, a lot of which involved carrying litters of injured soldiers (a role played by a trainee). Being one of the lightest, I was usually selected for the free ride. This training was also the first time I ever flew in a Huey Helicopter.

After the first three weeks, we finally go our first leave. After being cooped up with a bunch of shaved heads for two months, I was definitely ready to go into San Antonio for some fun. We saw the Alamo and other points of interest including San Antonio's famous River Walk. It was a bit dangerous back in the sixties, but the city has worked hard to make it safe and beautiful today.

One of my more fonder memories in San Antonio was the night I went to a popular nightclub and met a pretty senorita named Gloria. We ended up dating during my stay at Fort Sam.

The bottom line? I wouldn't want to go through that period again, but in retrospect, I'm glad I did!

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! They said it was because of my response to the question: List all dependents. I entered: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico and 535 fools in the Presidency, U.S. House and Senate.

Evidently, this was not an acceptable answer. I wonder who I left out?

The News As I See It: Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri. Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.

Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word "iPad" is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, "Ah, you get used to it."

Starbucks is coming out with a new product that lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream - charging $9 for air.

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. They also changed their name to Jack in the Coffin.

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel.

1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert. 1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

1967; The 25th Amendment was ratified, establishing presidential succession. 1996; IBM's computer, Deep Blue, beat the world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, in the first game of their match. 2005; Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Arthur Miller died.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful San Antonio River Walk was a welcome change from Army life. The other pictures dressed in medica whites were taken at various hospitals where I served, specifically Fort Jackson and Fort Bragg.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. 2) I know that being absent minded is part of growing older, but I hate it when they find me following chickens and other barnyard animals around. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 4) I got a disease from kissing my pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable. 5) There's nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 10th: This might be your day if you play your cards right. The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter seems to be aligning with Mars. No word from Pluto yet. Anywho, wise financial moves may increase you cash flow problem. No, not the lottery. I said "wise" moves. Chance of romance is 81.23 percent but sex is out of the question. Buy low, sell high!

Birthdays: Harrison Gray Otis, soldier and journalist 1837, Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was sunbathing naked on Miami Beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

An old woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

A woman and a man were both asked to write their answer to the following question: What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse?

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

Two psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. The seminar leader said, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" Mr. Nichols replied, "Sadness."

The leader responded, "Correct! And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" Mr. Biggs replied, "Elation." The leader said, "That's right!"The leader tirned to Bubba and asked, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A few years ago, President George "Dubya" Bush flew aboard Air Force One to Heathrow Airport in England. A 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out and Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver Bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip one of the most horrific, earth shattering, eye tearing blasts of flatulence and the coach filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner in which to handle this embarrassing situation. She turned to President bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen can't control."

Georgie Dubya replied, "Your majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know if you hadn't said something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses!"

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute (or so I'm told). It's Friday and happy hour in AREA 51 is definitely in order. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !