Okay, I'm a bit late posting but I went to happy hour in AREA 51 to see my pal Everett and The Mighty Band With No Name perform at Mango Martini in Miami Lakes. Not only that, I was fortunate to sing with the Everett and the band. Add four Dewars' scotch on the rocks and the always crazy influence of my pal Emilio and I'll be very happy if today's post is even readable.
The News As I See It: You can tell gas prices are going up. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.
There were a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.Rick Santorum is so conservative, when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.
Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.
People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. Washington did not have wooden teeth. Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope and Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.
Obama was in Los Angeles last week hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why he was seen in the audience line that morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down!"
This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.
1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, New York.
Picture Of The Day: Take your pick. I like the top photo the best.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm rarely intimidated by a woman. Overwhelmed, yes, but rarely intimidated. 2) I'm not impressed that your kid's on the honor role, but I am impressed if he's wise enough to say please and thank you. 3) I've found that I can have the body of a twenty-five year old, providing I buy her a few drinks first. 4) I think the president and members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 5) At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward..... and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - September22nd: Too late for any valid thoughts. Do the best you can.
Birthdays: My pals Larry and Robin celebrate their birthdays today. Happy Birthday all ! 19XX, George Washington, first president of the United States of America 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting and for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. The old man says, "So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" The old lady says, "Get serious, I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been using chewing gum."
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber says to her, "Careful, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." The little girls says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, don't follow Jimmy when he goes to happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !