Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Vote Early And Vote Often

The Florida elections are over and Romney defeated Gingrich handily. Gingrich had an endorsement from Herman Cain which was like getting Carrot Top's endorsement for an Academy Award. Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. I think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they'd grab him and put him in an old folks home.

Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn’t made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he’s a snowmobiler, so nobody cares

Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.

Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, "Thanks a lot, Obama."

Groundhog Day is tomorrow and I'm hopeful that Punxsutawney Phil will not see his shadow. Rumor has it, however, that a shadowy Pennsyvania Avenue figure was seen talking with Phil today.

The News As I See It: Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It's called Mexico.

The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and "Could you please release it two days before the election?"

A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked. In related news, it looks like I’m getting a second job!

Starbucks closed its very first east coast store, which opened 19 years ago. Apparently, it just couldn't keep up with its main competition: the Starbucks across the street.

Paula Abdul was fired from "The X Factor." No one really knows how Paula feels about this. Well, she's given tons of interviews, but no one can understand what she's saying.

A 100 year-old-woman has revealed that her secret to staying sharp is playing a Nintendo. Sadly, no one has the heart to tell her that's it's the garage door opener.

This Date In History: 1790; The Supreme Court of the United States convened for the first time, in New York City. 1862; Julia Ward Howe's poem "Battle Hymn of the Republic" was published in the Atlantic Monthly. 1884; The first volume of the Oxford English Dictionary A–Ant, was published.

1946; A press conference announced the first electronic digital computer, ENIAC, was held at the University of Pennsylvania. 1960; Four black college students began a series of sit-ins at a white-only lunch counter in Woolworth’s, Greensboro, North Carolina.

1968; During the Vietnam War, a Viet Cong officer was executed with a pistol shot to the head by Saigon's police chief and the image captured in a famous news photograph. 1979; Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Tehran after 15 years of exile.

2003; The space shuttle Columbia disintegrated as it tried to reenter the Earth's atmosphere after a sixteen-day mission in space. All seven members of the crew were lost. 2004; Janet Jackson's famous "wardrobe malfunction" occurred at Super Bowl XXXVIII. 2009; Johanna Sigurdardottir takes office as Iceland's first female prime minister.

Picture Of The Day: The effects of illegal immigration has done a number on Lady Liberty.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. 2) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 3) Pedro, a musician friend of mine, has never been much of a success playing the flamenco tuba. 4) My buddy told me that he came from a perfectly normal family. I asked him if his parents had 2.5 children. 5) I'll be honest with you, a lot of today's jokes have been re-gifted.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 1st: It's hump day, which suits your personality. Go out tonight and have a good time. It's good news week for you until Monday, so go for it. Chances of romance are partly cloudy, but I see your chances at 76 percent.

Birthdays: My pal Beverly - Happy Birthday Babe! 19XX, Edward Coke, jurist 1552, Hattie Wyatt Caraway, U.S. senator 1878, John Ford, film director 1894, Clark Gable, actor 1901, Langston Hughes, American poet and central figure of the Harlem Renaissance 1902, S.J. Perelman, comic writer 1904, Dame Muriel Spark, novelist 1918, Boris Yeltsin, Russian president 1931.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The boy said, "Mom, what are all those women doing ?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth!? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" His mother says, "Most of them become cab drivers."

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly said, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." The teller asked, "Oh my goodness gracious. And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock."

A female reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

The reporter approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked at the reporter straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

That's it for today, my little chicken noodles. Remember, capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. Today's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

If dead people are allowed to vote, then those of us alive...should be able to vote at least twice.

jack69 said...

Thanks for the line about the normal family. Not sure about cab drivers, I think some of them kids went into real estate, just sayin..

Me and that little girl have lost some work time for teh same reasons.
Thanks for a good read. If you had printed this earlier I would have voted with Snoop Dog!

I wasted all my votes on the mad Georgia boy. But now I have religion, going with Mitt. In the next primaries I vote in.

Paula said...

Gotta give the 100 year old woman E for effort. At least she was trying to keep her brain active.

Julie said...

Everybody I liked has dropped out of the race so it is hard to get too thrilled about the rest but I still feel anyone but Obama. Love all the jokes as usual, a laugh a day, so needed.