I Hate Flying !

I hate to fly! My reason, quite frankly, is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line, crying babies or long walks on the beach (Oops, sorry, that last one is from my dating profile). The one thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over-tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal forward to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in a mentally self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it. Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black socks.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I begin to visually scour the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under five pounds should be Fed-Ex-ed to their destination.

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of fliers who need to drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking. This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose.

The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

The News As I See It: Yesterday was St. Valentine's day and Americans spent over $13 billion. Guys who forgot Valentine's Day will end up spending over $100 billion.

White Castle offered candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. That's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much."

The 99 Cent Only Store called itself "your Valentine's Day headquarters." Guys who believed that story now call the garage their new home.

Obama said a woman shouldn't have to decide between birth control and buying food. I wonder how he figured that out? Did Michelle buy the birth control and Obie spring for the Church's Fried Chicken?

I saw a picture online of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully, they were both getting a lobotomy. The truth is that Schwarzenegger asked Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.

This Date In History: 1764; St. Louis, Mo., was founded as a French fur-trading post. 1879; President Rutherford Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court. 1898; USS Maine blew up in Havana harbor, touching off the Spanish-American War. 1913; The New York Armory Show opened, introducing America to Picasso, Duchamp, and Matisse.

1933; Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak was killed in an assassination attempt on president-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt in Miami. 1965; The Maple Leaf Flag officially became the new national flag of Canada. 1989; More than 100,000 Soviet troops withdrew from Afghanistan almost 10 years after the USSR invaded the country.

2002; Olympics officials resolved the judging scandal by awarding Canadian pairs figure skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier a gold medal while allowing the Russians, Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze, to keep their medal. 2003; Millions of protesters around the world demonstrated against the threat of a U.S. war on Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Need I say more?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one." 2) In the bedroom, just tell them, "Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. 3) Remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 4) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again. 5) There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 15th: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 41.98 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: My ex-wife Susie, my pal and fantastic singer-musician Carlos Oliva and my pals, Freddy, Ivana, Kay and Missie. Whew! Happy Birthday All! 19XX, Pedro Menendez de Aviles, colonizer 1519, Galileo Galilei, Italian Astronomer 1564, John Sutter, pioneer 1803, Cyrus McCormick, inventor 1809, Charles Lewis Tiffany, merchant 1812, Susan B. Anthony, reformer 1820, Elihu Root, cabinet member and diplomat 1845, Alfred North Whitehead, mathematician and philosopher 1861, Ernest Henry Shackleton, antarctic explorer 1874, John Barrymore, actor 1882, Jane Seymour, actress 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The old man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The old man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." The stranger replies, "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Two old ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

An old man took a Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that it before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. The old man stated the car must be a Republican car. The salesman asked why he thought it was a Republican car. The man said, "If it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow hot air up your ass all year round."

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts pounding at the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you get a chance to say 'hello' yet?”

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Dave walks over and asks Norm what's wrong. Norm replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Dave replies with a smile, "Yes." Norm, straightening up says, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

Dave says, "Great, When are you going out?" Norm says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show." Dave says. "That's a good idea."

Norm continues, "So I get to her door and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." Norm says, "And what happened then?" Norm slumps back over the bar again and says, "I kicked her in the face."

That's it for today, my little wing nuts. Remember, today's jokes do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cat. No animals were used to test these jokes. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !