Friday, February 17, 2012

More Printable Things I Never Told You

I once had a large Alexandrine parakeet named Kiki. I did not name her, the name came with the bird, a gift from a friend. The reason my friend gave me the bird was because that she was a "little bitch from hell." Being one who, a) likes all animals and b) likes a challenge, I accepted the gift.

Kiki was about 14 inches tall and the first thing that happened with Kiki was that she bit me so severely, I came close to wringing her neck to unpry her beak from my finger. Over a period of about six months, Kiki and I became friends through a series of confidence building exercises. The end result was that she always wanted to be with me.

Although these birds are not known for their abilities to speak, I taught her to wolf whistle and eventually she learned to pronounce my name. She could also mimic my beeper and the ring of my cell phone. Her one drawback was that when angered, she would shriek like a banshee.

Kiki had one major flaw. She seemed to think that she and I were an "item" and was jealous of any woman that visited me. She had no problems with men, just women. She also went to sleep when the sun set and rose to the morning dawn. This created a minor problem.

On weekends, I was usually out until late and enjoyed sleeping in until midday. Kiki would have none of that. She would shriek until I got up and attended to her needs.

I never clipped Kiki's wings and she like to fly around the apartment. One day, I noticed that she constantly gazed at a group of wild birds who were very similar to her. One morning, in a fit of guilt over keeping her caged, I open the sliding door, opened her cage and waited to see what happened.

She flew to a nearby tree and for about an hour, I could hear her imitating my beeper and other whistles that I had taught her. Then I saw the flock of birds she had always gazed at and she flew away with them. I saw her once again about a week later with her new friends. She gave me a wolf whistle and I never saw her again. I miss her.....

The News As I See It: I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses.

On Valentine's Day, Americans spent $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg.

Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy.

Papa John's offered a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It was for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day.

Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. Well, that all but guarantees Obama's re-election.

China's vice president was in Los Angeles yesterday. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish. He said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

The vice president of China showed up at the White House earlier this week. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up and starts looking around.

There’s a new channel called "Dog and Cat TV" that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs and cats while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My cat, Shithead, doesn't watch TV, especially since I got him an iPad.

To help save the economy the Government announced that beginning next month, the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I felt sad when I thought about a lot of my readers and then it dawned on me. Crap! I'll see you on the bus!

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philosopher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas. 1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, S.C. 1904; Puccini's opera Madam Butterfly premiered in Milan.

1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match. 2008; Kosovo declared independence from Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: Kiki looked exactly like the bird in the featured photo. On another note, Sister Jeanne, an avid bird and duck enthusiast, always feeds the birds and ducks near her home. Her newest friend is this somewhat rare wood stork who has taken up residence at her home and patiently awaits the daily handouts along with the ducks and other fowl.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. 2) I want to live to a ripe old age so I can go to the supermarket and say really inappropriate things to the girls who work there and they will find it adorable because I'll be old. Right now when I do that, I just get arrested. 3) George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. 4) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 17th: Keep an open mind because you may be getting a compliment from a member of the opposite sex that you may not understand. As long as it does not involve a whip, handcuffs and a gerbil, go with it. It'll probably be fun, Chance of romance is 44.57 percent. It can be higher if you don't mind the handcuffs.

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936, Michael Jordan, American Basketball Player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is out in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. He tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled, "You need a piece of tail." 'The man turned with a confused look on his face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple was looking pretty scruffy. One morning, the wife came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said, "Honey, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Gary and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks the drunk if he would like to play a game of darts. The bartender says three bull's-eyes wins a prize. The game costs a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A bull's-eye!

The drunk downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet and throws... Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes! All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize. He grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks later, the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?" The drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. AREA 51 anyone? Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

That was such a good thing you done for KiKi. What a nice fellow.

BUT Gary or Victor owes me a key board, this time it was my red wine, when I read, 'ROAST BEEF SANDWICH ON A HARD ROLL'.

Sherry looked at me like I was crazy, then she looked at the monitor all she said was, "Oh Jimmy,That 'splains it."

Heli gunner Tom said...

andGreat jokes, Jimmy. All is going well in the Upper Peninsula-- by Iron Mt., MI 49801, just like my new love life, and what a fine blessing for an old war horse like me! Spriong will be even better!

Warm Regards,
Tom S

Rose said...

I guess I'll see you on the bus!

Hugs, Rose