Sunday is Mother's Day and although my mother passed away years ago, I remember her dearly. We moved quite a bit when I was young and I remember it was Mom who always gave me the forwarding address.
Mom gave me the foresight to wear clean underwear in case I was in an accident. She taught me the meaning of anticipation when she said, "Just wait until your father gets home." Mother taught me religion saying, "You'd better pray that stain comes out of the carpet!"
I learned from Mom that I should eat my asparagus because there were people starving in China. Dad even smiled when I offered to send my portion of liver to the people dying of starvation in India.
Yes, the years have passed, but I fondly remember "The Switch Dance" a soft shoe dance number we created as Mom held the switch in her right hand and my arm in her left hand as we ran in circles after I had misbehaved.
On a serious note, there is nothing like a mother's love and if there was ever an award for patience, mothers would overwhelmingly win the award, hands down. There's an old Irish proverb that says "A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest." Happy Mother's Day Mom!
The News As I See It: Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy, but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underwear. Let's just say you put on the exploding underwear and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said yesterday that he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, "I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it." Christie's approval rating has gone up 12 points in the last year. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme.
Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser at George Clooney's house. What are the odds? Then he awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn't increase Obama's gay street cred, nothing will.
I'm sure both presidential candidates will fall over themselves telling you how much they support public education. Yet neither of them has ever sent any of their kids to a single day of public school. But I'm sure that's the only area in which they're a wee bit hypocritical.
Researchers at Harvard say red wine can slow the aging process. They say if you drink red wine, it can help you look younger. You can look even younger if you get the other person to drink it.
The Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here's an idea: stop being a prostitute!
This Date In History: 1858; Minnesota became the 32nd state in the United States. 1894; The Pullman Strike began. 1949; Siam changed its name to Thailand.
1960; Israeli agents captured Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina. 1973; Charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the Pentagon Papers case were dismissed.
1981; Reggae performer Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at the age of 36. 1997; IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a six game chess match.
1998; India set off atomic blasts. 2003; Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union—the first former Soviet nation to do so.
Picture Of The Day: A mother's love....the picture says it all.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 2) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 3) If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. 4) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 5) Most people think that elderly ladies don't curse but if you ever want to hear a sweet little old lady say the F word, just get another sweet little old lady to yell "Bingo!".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 11th: The weekend is here and it's your birthday. How bad can that be? Take the proverbial bull by the horns and make this day a good one. Don't forget that Sunday is Mother's day, so make Mom's day a good one as well. Chance of romance is 57.76 percent and remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Birthdays: My pals Barbara and Chad - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Irving Berlin songwriter 1888, Dame Margaret Rutherford actress 1892, Martha Graham, modern dancer, choreographer 1894, Salvador Dali Spanish surrealist painter 1904, Camilo José Cela novelist and poet 1916, Richard Feynman physicist 1918, Natasha Richardson actress 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:
Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food. The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.
About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."
Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it." The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?” The small alligator says, "Lawyers, same as you."
The big alligator says, "Hmmmm, Where do you catch’em?" The little alligator says, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator says, "Same here. How do you catch’em?" The little alligator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ’em, shake the crap out of ‘em and eat ‘em!"
The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shaking the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase."
Edward, a big-game hunter, goes on safari in Kenya with his wife, Frances and his mother-in-law, Agnes. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Frances awakes to find her mother, Agnes, has disappeared. Rushing to Edward, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.
Sighing heavily, Edward picks up his rifle and starts to search for Agnes. Soon, in a clearing not far from the camp, they come upon a frightening sight.
Agnes, the mother-in-law is backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush and a large male lion is standing facing her. Frances cries out in panic, "Edward, what are we going to do?" Edward said calmly, "Absolutely nothing, my dearest. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. It's time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Happy Mothers Day to all the ladies! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !