Many years ago, I came home from work and on the way to my apartment, I noticed some friends having a poolside barbecue. They invited me to join them and as we waited for the steaks to cook, we drank Johnnie Walker Black and traded stories. After several scotches, the steaks were done and I had a steak and salad.
After dinner, we continued to have more drinks and shoot the bull. Around 11 pm, I went up to my apartment to watch TV and await the arrival of my wife (who worked until midnight).
Suddenly, it dawned upon me that the scotch had a rather firm grip on me and moreover, the steak and the scotch were apparently preparing for a big fight. Alcohol logic dictated that I mosey over to the bathroom in case the scotch and steak battle decided to include me in the free-for-all.
Although I was higher than a kite, my brief moment of clarity turned out to be a wise decision and I knelt at the porcelain altar and made my offering. Afterwards, feeling much better, my feeble mind reckoned that the cool tile floor of the bathroom would be a good place to sleep.....and so I did.
Imagine now, if you will, my wife entering the apartment and finding no one. Then, imagine her walking down the hall to the bathroom and discovering a disheveled body on the bathroom floor.
After recovering from her hysteria and determining that her husband was not dead, but dead drunk on the bathroom floor, she unleashed a barrage of slanderous epithets that to this day are unrepeatable.
Yes, my little swizzle sticks, it only takes a few memorable nights like this to learn how to manage your drinks. Unfortunately, experience is the only true teacher.
Listening to Obama's recent remarks regarding the anniversary of when he killed Osama Bin Laden, I took a moment to reflect how well the operation went. It must have taken months for Obama to gather all the information regarding Bin Laden's whereabouts, then fly his helicopter into the compound and single handedly kill Bin Laden. What a guy! What a hero! I guess the inate instinct to spike the football in the end zone never really leaves the 'hood.
The News As I See It: Here's a little bit of history. In 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.
Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan - "Forward." That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, "Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made."
Jimmy Kimmel hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was he and Obama. Obama was very funny and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window.
There's a new dating site aimed at matching up women who like to travel with men willing to pay for their trips. It's part of a new dating trend called prostitution.
Pizza Hut now has a giant pizza topped with cheeseburgers. Yep, a pizza topped with cheeseburgers. Even better, if you don't have a heart attack in 30 minutes, the pizza's free.
Jay Leno turned 62 years old. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but when the press visited his garage, 30 cars still had their left blinker on.
This Date In History: 1885; Good Housekeeping magazine went on sale for the first time. 1939; Lou Gehrig established a new major-league baseball record when he played his 2,130th consecutive game. It would take another 57 years before Cal Ripken, Jr., broke it. 1945; The Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin.
1955; Tennessee Williams won the Pulitzer Prize in Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 1969; The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth II departed on her maiden voyage to New York. 1994; Nelson Mandela was victorious in South Africa’s first multiracial election.
1997; The Labour Party’s Tony Blair became Prime Minister of Britain, ending 18 years of conservative rule. At 44, he was the youngest prime minister in 185 years. 2011; U.S. troops and CIA operatives shoot and kill Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
Picture Of The Day: I'm continuing the Facebook Timeline theme with more pictures I found online. Feel free to fold, spindle, mutiliate or pilfer.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cinnamon is a word that cannot be pronounced correctly after three or four drinks. 2) It's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 3) When I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. 4) My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! 5) I once ate one anchovy and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 2nd: Although you may believe that your mind works like lightning, keep in mind that lightning has one brilliant flash and it is gone. Hey, it's hump day. You deserve a drink or two at your local watering hole. Chance of romance is 50-50, so rely on your hunches.
Birthdays: Alessandro Scarlatti composer 1660, Catherine the Great, czarina of Russia (1762–1796) 1729, Elijah J. McCoy inventor 1843, Theodor Herzl Zionist 1860, Manfred von Richthofen aviator 1892, Benjamin Spock pediatrician 1903.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is an two foot "drop off" and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round.
An old man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and told him, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping and, remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
That's it for today, my little apple dumplings. Remember, time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. I'm heading over to AREA 51 happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !