Wednesday, May 30, 2012
There's something about a three day weekend that renders me somewhat useless for the remainder of the following week. I thinks that's partially because of the continuing bombardment of Memorial Day sales on television and the junk mail flyers touting huge discounts on overpriced items.
The unfortunate part is that on most three day weekends, the majority of my monies are usually invested in recreational libation and social gatherings at the local AREA 51 parks and playgrounds, thus rendering extended holiday sales and discounts useless.
Be that as it may, my get up and go seems to have got up and went so the remainder of this week will hopefully ebb and wain in a timely manner as June sets upon us, AREA 51 antics and missions notwithstanding.
The News As I See It: A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally.
On Memorial Day, America's favorite Canadian, Justin Bieber was wanted for questioning by the Los Angeles sheriff's department. Apparently Bieber had an altercation with a photographer. Bieber went all Mel Gibson on some dude. Now Justin's on the lam, considered armed and adorable. The photographer says he was roughed up by Justin Bieber. He had to go to the hospital. Doctors say he'll live, but his masculinity will never fully recover. The guy probably will sue Justin Bieber for some cash. But he will be known for the rest of his life as the guy who got beat up by Justin Bieber. How much is that worth to you?
Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack said, "I’m game!"
At the Twins-White Sox game in Chicago, Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch. And as predicted, the pitch was pretty high.
Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why I miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one.
Last week, a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered a slight technical problem — night.
This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed.
1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun. 1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft.
1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. An earthquake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.
Picture Of The Day: It may be a bit crude, but you've got to admit, that's one big ass balloon......
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. 2) Six men were kicking and punching my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 3) The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 4) Politics is the art of looking for a problem, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. 5) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 30th: Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake, especially if your loved one happens to drive a very large bus and suddenly loses the brakes while driving towards your house. Be careful today as you may find yourself in an elevator with a close friend who likes their beans. Chance of romance is 61.74 percent excluding anyone you might encounter in an elevator.
Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908 Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, professional football player 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. The rabbi exclaimed. "Wal-mart? Why Wal-Mart?" The old woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."
An old man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." Bill replied, "But doctor, I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Bill asked excitedly, "And that will cure me?" The doctor replied, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" The doctor replied, "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.
Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . Poof!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then Poof!.....she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows." Dave yells back, "Don't swing Fred, don't swing!!"
That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, a friend is someone that will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. Happy hour in AREA 51 is my destination this evening. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !