Friday, May 25, 2012

Remember The Men And Women Of America's Armed Forces

As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Miami Beach is once again hosting "Urban Weekend", a tradition where hordes of Urbans come to Miami Beach and engage in Urban tomfoolery such as gang fights, robberies and shootings. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend as I am Suburban and do not not qualify for the festivities. Drat!

Auto Racing is on tap this weekend with a full compliment of events. Headlining the Memorial Day weekend is the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday and the Nascar Charlotte 600 on Sunday night.

Public Service Announcement: I hate it when people send bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If a young woman comes to your front door saying she is checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! It is a scam! She only wants to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used.....

The News As I See It: A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was Columbus' diary entry where he described his journey to America as "a real schlep."

Obama stayed at a hotel while attending meetings in Chicago. It was annoying for him to stay in the hotel instead of his own house, but his advisers encouraged him to stay at the hotel for security reasons. So, he called room service and asked for a wake-up call and they showed him the latest poll numbers.

A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, "Nuh-uh!"

Bagged salads across the country have been recalled due to contamination fears. Luckily this is America, so none of the salads were touched. God help us if something happens to our Doritos supply.

Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions.

Britney Spears is planning to launch a new fragrance called Fantasy Twist. That sounds like something John Travolta gets at the end of a massage.

The Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last night after just five games. Yep, the Lakers fell fast — which explains their new name: the Los Angeles Facebook Stock.

Happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turned 71 years old this week. When he made his wish, God said to St. Peter, "I have no clue as to what he just said."

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.

1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1935; The legendary Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. His record stood until Hank Aaron broke it in 1974.

1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title. 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis. 1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released.

1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the September 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.

Picture Of The Day: The man who invented the television remote control recently passed away but not before he made one last change.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 2) When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense 3) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 4) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will buy a silly hat, sit in a boat and drink beer all day.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.

You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part. Chances of romance are 62.05 percent unless your attempt at damming your flatulence fails.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and essayist 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, opera singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter who says, "We have only one rule, never step on a duck." But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lb Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brutish 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob", and learns to watch his step. All of a sudden, St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you"

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner says "I know, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a safe and great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Sherry just got off the couch to come over and read Jimmy. She wondered what I was laughing so hard at.
I still cannot help it. That one struck me funny, "I don't see the resemblance!"


Oh thanks for the tribute to the men in service and respect for those who gave all. Thanks for your service also.

I cannot believe a 'Doc' would name his cat Sh..... Oh well!
Have a great week end!!!!!

Paula said...

John got bit by a tick this week while working cattle. Thank goodness the Nurse Practioner didn't ask him to take his clothes off and dance around.