Monday, May 28, 2012

A Time To Remember

I take this time for a moment of reflection in memory of the many men and women of the armed forces who have faithfully served their country. May God bless each and every one of them.

Acronyms can be confusing at times. I'm a bit dyslexci and it's important to know the full definition of every acronym you may encounter or hear about.

For example, the acronym STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease and should not be confused with FTD, which stands for Florists' Transworld Delivery. In this particular case you may want to make sure that you're giving flowers and not a gift that keeps on returning.

It would also be a major mistake to install ADT (American District Telegraph), a home security company, in a home where someone has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) supposedly protects the nation's transportation systems to ensure freedom of movement for people and commerce. The reality of it all is that after the over abundance of intrusive body checks, scans and pat-downs, it's probably just a sick extension of T and A movie makers (you figure that one out).

There are a few acronyms, however, that you may not be aware of. For example, DELTA stands for Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive and PMS is short for Potential Murder Suspect.

The News As I See It: ABC premiered a new singing competition show last week. What a novel idea. It's about time somebody did one of those. I think a good name might be "American Idol."

The Center for Responsive Politics reports that Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn't lost their asses in his economic plan?

Next month, a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called "Are you going to finish that?"

Mitt Romney recently met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners....or as Romney calls them, "the Juan percent." There's been an increasing buzz that Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white and duller than him, which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk."

Last week was rough for Facebook stock. Mark Zuckerberg lost so much money in the market that Obama is going to name him to replace Ben Bernanke.

Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who was trying to climb Mount Rushmore. When the police radio first reported that the guy was in his 50s, from Chicago and desperate to get on Mount Rushmore, the police chief said, "Oh my God, it's Obama."

Four Secret Service agents who were fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really?

Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See? That proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.

This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, On With the Show!, debuted. 1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada.

1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered. 1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one.

1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier. 2003 President Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law, the third largest tax cut in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: Some things are self explanatory.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I am having an out of money experience. 2) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. 3) When my friend had a kid, he bought one of those strollers for twins because it was on sale. It worked well for him. When his kid got older, he told him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) My next door neighbor once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 5) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 28th: This week will be good for you but the fact that you take out the garbage does not mean you have cleaned the house. If you don't believe me, ask your spouse. Chance of romance is 42.68 percent. Also, did you know that 42.68 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: My pals Maylen and Paul - Happy Birthday my friends! 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P. G. T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American Indian, Olympian, football player and all-around athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."

The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"

A little old lady was standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. One said, "You're not getting away with this, Miller. We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"

Mr. Miller replied, "My wife and I are going to travel. We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Athens, Rome and, finally, to the Vatican, where gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

His father asked, "So, did you jump today?" His son answeed, "Well, we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" His father asked, "Is that when you jumped?"

His son said, "Not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father asked, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then."

The son continued, " He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"

The son went on, "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a first."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. Happy Memorial Day and remember our Vets! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Hope you had a good Memorial Day. BTW Thanks for your service. And for remembering those who never made it back.

Now, with #5, you brought up someting I have always wondered...

5) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?....

One of the better questions in life!

Woody said...

Hope you had a Great memorial Weekend, Thank you for your Service to our Country.
Take Care