Friday, May 4, 2012

Warning: Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

Tomorrow is celebrated in Mexico since 1912, when 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise, scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, sank with the Titanic. The Mexican people declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day and is known as Sinko de Mayo.

Edvard Munch's 1895 pastel painting "The Scream" recently sold for at Sotheby's Auction in New York City for a record 119.9 million dollars. That seems a little steep, but I'm told it comes with a lovely frame.

The News As I See It: A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It's a real insult to our Founding Fathers - Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.

Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday as part of his big "Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?" tour. Joe O'Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Thank God for that! What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to stand up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?

Romney is fighting back at charges by Obama and O'Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his health care.

Qantas Airlines will start attaching electronic tags to luggage to keep it from getting lost. They're going to start doing that once they find the suitcase containing all the electronic tags.

Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person. So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan too. It’s all the same. Anyway, a new biography about the president states that he took "artistic liberties” in his memoir and says that he “fictionalized details for narrative clarity." That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don't quit.

There's a woman who has lived in the same apartment here in Manhattan for 100 years. She moved in in May 1912 right after she broke up with Regis Philbin.

Over 100,000 people have listed themselves as organ donors since Facebook made it an option this week. Which is weird 'cause I've always turned to eBay for all my organ needs.

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing.

The Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in an adult film. They're expecting that once it hits the shelves, it could sell tens of copies. How is it possible that the Octomom resorted to porn before she resorted to "Dancing With the Stars"? I'm not sure who to be sadder for, Octomom or ABC.

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration. 1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.

1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961; Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans. 1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.

1998; The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: Today's theme: Some things aren't really what they appear to be....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know your choice of your HMO is questionable when directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park". 2) Sometimes I feel like a damned mushroom - kept in the dark and fed bullshit 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure 4) Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. 5) I sneaked a peak at my girlfriend's agenda for today: Tug on Superman's cape, spit into wind, pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and mess around with Jim.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus May 4th: It's Friday and you're going to have a great day! Just remember to write the parking area number on a piece of paper this time instead of your hand. Chance of romance is 62.37 percent and even higher if you can find your car. Buy low, sell high.

Birthdays: Horace Mann educator 1796, Thomas Henry Huxley biologist 1825, Frederick Church artist 1826, Hosni Mubarak president of Egypt 1928, Audrey Hepburn, actress, born in Brussels, Belgium 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Both men answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness .... and there was his doctor, Sven.

The doctor said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be Ok. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot." Ole asks, "What's the bad news?" The doctor said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

Ole said, "Well, I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Doctor Sven says, "No, she's a piccolo player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Gary for his contribution to today's stories.

A good old southern boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What does it look like I'm doin'?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from the south a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whup your ass!"

A man stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man. He said to the men, "Hey there, can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" One of the men answered, "We work for the county government." The man said, "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"

One of the men replied, "Normally there's three of, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back." Mike added, "Yeah, just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. With that thought, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour and some karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Awww I like the animals trying to pretend they are in the correct nest.

jack69 said...

I wrote my obit after much chiding by my sister that we all should write one to save the family the trouble. I took the same attitude of Obama, I just made up my autobio! Man folks are gonna be surprised how good I am and how many doctorates I have earned. LOL

I also like dedicated County workers, work when you can!!!!

Heli gunner Tom said...

I like the "FOX" and the hounds, as that's my wife's maiden name-- soon to be like my name --Schuckman, 6 weeks from now. She, Terri Fox", loves the music on your Blog!! ~~ Tom Schuckman