Wednesday, June 27, 2012

How Do You Stop A Gluttonous Monster ?

Austerity is a word that most of us have learned to accept and adapt to, thanks to the national economy and the idiots who run this country. We have had to learn to live within our means. The federal government has not. They spend monies that they do not have. At least on the federal level.....

Stockton, California will declare bankruptcy in the next 24 hours. Other cities like Detroit, Michigan will soon be following suit. Why? Because they spend more money than they take in. It doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to see the problem. Any one who works for a living and has a checkbook can figure it out.

The federal government may attempt to help some of these struggling cities, but you can't bail out every city in America. It's time to go to school on the situations in Greece and Spain.

Joe Theisman, former NFL quarterback, has become another commercial television whore, joining former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson in whoring products on television that are not approved by the FDC. Johnson currently pimps for Extenze (a supposed male-enhancement product which makes it perfect to be hawked by a dick like Jimmy Johnson) and Theisman pimps for Super Beta Prostate.

Neither product is proven to work and both can be dangerous to use. Moreover, both products are currently under investigation and litigation. Celebrity endorsements, in and of themselves, are repugnant. When done to promote, aid or abet scams, it is shameless. What people will do for a buck. What's next guys....pimping the women in your family?

The News As I See It: New York is having its swimming race around Manhattan Island this weekend. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, then back down the Hudson, a total of 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis.

According to The Wall Street Journal, analysts say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.

Joe O'Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao.

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They're all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.

Mitt Romney held a weekend retreat for his donors which included dancing a buffet dinner. I guess that explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got "lost in the mail."

A new study says it is ok for women to drink during pregnancy. Why not? Many of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place.

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It's called the election.

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Illinois. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, Rhode Island, a 46,000-mile trip.

1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded. 1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow. 1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement.

1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, California, was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System. 2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful beaches of Puerto Rico (thanks Tania). On another note, you can view all of the pictures larger by simply clicking on them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 2) There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 3) We are born naked, wet and hungry and the first thing that happens is we get slapped on our ass. From there, things just keep getting worse. 4) Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can, unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it. 5) So I told her, don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Hump Day! Although there's no message for you in that phrase, you might want to go to happy hour to see for yourself. I have been known to err on occasion (sorry, that horse looked like a sure thing). Chance of romance is high assuming your intended choice is high as well.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot business executive 1930, Vera Wang fashion designer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Crestview, Florida couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have the car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she is dead!" The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man answered, "Well....the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......" Mrs. Smith cut in, "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," The photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." Mrs. Smith replied, "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" The photographer said, "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too can really spread out!" Mrs. Smith said, "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

The photographer said, "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." Mrs. Smith gasped, "My, my, that's a lot of....."

The photographer continued, "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." Mrs Smith quietly answered, "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus and these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Mrs. Smith asked, "She was difficult ?"

The photgrapher replied, "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement said, "Four and five deep?"

The photographer said, "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your ?" The photgrapher answered, "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Mrs. Smith gasped, "Tripod??" The photographer said,  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.........Madam? Madam??"

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so an older man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time, they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. The man said, "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits. Why don't you unbutton your blouse and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she unbuttoned, then took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. The husband said, "Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband opened the cage door, pushed his wife in and said with an evil smile, "Now, tell him you have a headache!"

That's it for today, my little poppy seeds. Remember, if you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 tfor happy hour and maybe a little karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I agree completely with the opening remarks on austeity and the Sales pimps.
Logical thinking says most people should feel that way, HOWEVER it must not be true! We keep on buying and putting the fools back in that cannot balance a check book.
On the picture, I kept looking at IRWINLAND and missed the gator, I don't know what she was staring at unless it was the mechanic!
Thanks for a good read!!!

Rose said...

I always look forward to reading your section of:

Printable Things I Never Told You!

You crack me up.

Hugs, Rose