Friday, June 1, 2012
What's That Sound?
Have you ever thought about those funny little sounds that your stomach occasionally makes? Most people refer to them as stomach growls. The thing that gets me is they always seem to occur when you're in an enclosed space or it's really quiet and there's several people close to you.
Theoretically, it's not as bad as accidentally passing gas, but my stomach has made some sounds that have actually frightened me and the cat. The funny thing is that it just keeps on making those strange noises and everyone just stares at you.
Usually, I'll make some comment like, "Well, it must be close to lunch time because my stomach's begining to growl." But it keeps on going on after the 15th time, people start giving me looks like, "You sound like you may be dying. Should I call 911?"
Although everyone has gone through this a few times in life, sometimes you get angry at the people staring at you and you feel like saying, "Hey people, it only gets worse from here. In a few minutes, I'll begin farting. I sure hope that I don't shit my pants again." But usually, I don't say anything.........out loud.
The News As I See It: Andy Warhol once said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and now with timeline, your 15 minutes goes on forever.
Game one of the Stanley Cup Finals was played this week and the Los Angeles Kings were in the finals for only the second time in their history. What was on ESPN? — the national spelling bee. I thought that ESPN would have covered the game especially since some schools across the country have banned spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course — steroids.
According to a study recently released, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level.
This Date In History: 1792; Kentucky became the 15th state in the United States. 1796; Tennessee became the 16th state in the United States. 1938; The first issue of Action Comics, featuring Superman, was published.
1958; General Charles De Gaulle became the premier of France. 1968; Helen Keller, blind and deaf author-lecturer, died. 1980; Cable News Network (CNN) debuted. 2001; Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal wiped out most of the royal family before shooting himself.
Picture Of The Day: The blues.....a singing tradition usually made worse at karaoke parties.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have yet to figure out why one of the cruelties of mother nature is to always have the bread land on the floor peanut butter side down. 2) I was home with my lady friend one night and I figured I'd let her make the first move. She went to Florida. 3) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 4) I went to AREA 51 the other night to have a few drinks. The bartender asked, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-wife. 5) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown came into the audience and killed my friend Herman......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 1st: It's finally Friday and the weekend belongs to you but that last piece of pie you ate last night belongs to you-know-who. I'd make sure I made a peace offering if I were you. Oh, by the way, there's still a piece of blueberry in your teeth. Chance of romance is partly cloudy depending on your peace offering.
Birthdays: Jacques Marquette, French missionary and explorer in North America, a Jesuit priest 1637, Brigham Young, religious leader 1801, Francis Edgar Stanley, inventor, manufacturer 1849, William Sloane Coffin, Jr., social activist 1924, Marilyn Monroe, actress 1926, Morgan Freeman, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship and walk up to a gas pump. One says to the other," I think these are Earth people."
The first Martian says, "Take me to your leader!" No response. The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one." The first Martian says, "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to pieces!" No response.
With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree. The second Martian says to the other, "I told you we shouldn't screw around with a guy who could wrap his dick around his neck and stick it in his ear!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" The smirking male clerk replied, That will cost you one kiss per yard." The girl replied, "That's fine. I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"
Two girl friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers? The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Author's Note: My music playlist has gone through unexpected changes due to the Playlist site and is temporarily unavailable to embed in my journal. Every pathway to resolve this issue is being investigated and I will have music back on Jimmy's Journal as soon as possible.
That's it for today, my little pixie sticks. Remember, if dogs ever take over the world and choose a king, they shouldn't go just by size. I'll bet there are some Chihuahuas with some really good ideas. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !