Wednesday, October 24, 2012

And How Was Your Day?

Today was kind of a downer for me. Joe Theisman is still taking that scam medicine to control his frequent urges to pee, Doug still has mesothelioma and Coach Jimmy Johnson continues to take those rip-off pills so his Johnson doesn't shrink.

I had to hitch hike to the bank to make my car payment, the exterminator crawled under the house and never came out and I had to borrow from my Visa card to pay my MasterCard.

I turned on the news and they were showing emergency routes out of the city. My horn stuck on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. I opened a piece of mail marked "urgent" from the marketing department of some credit card company and the first line was, "Yes Jimmy, even you qualify for our newest card."

Yeah, the stock market closed down and I got depressed even though I don't have any stocks. I called the emergency mental health hotline and they left me on hold.

The good news came later in the day when I got an email from a friend in Nigeria who said I am getting an inheritance from a family member who lives there. The best news was when I opened the last piece of mail and it seems that I may have already won 5 million dollars..... Life is good after all!

The News As I See It: The debates were a bit weird. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said "Obama bin Laden." It was right before he called Romney "Adolf Mittler." During the debate, Obama told Mitt Romney, "The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back." Romney tried to deliver a comeback but his beeper went off.

One of Obama's winning points was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. Believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's Obama.

In the last debate, Romney actually had a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election.

Halloween sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?

Monday night was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? It was the third and final presidential debate. The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season.

Obama and Mitt Romney held their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate was what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy. Pundits say it was close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the "I killed Osama bin Laden" T-shirt.

Sad news from Cuba. Fidel Castro is still alive. Today the Cuban government released a photo to prove it. When a government has to put out photos to prove you're alive, that means one thing — you're dying.

The CIA once tried to kill Castro with an exploding cigar. Back then the CIA got their ideas from "Road Runner" cartoons. We tried dropping an anvil on his head. Then we painted a tunnel on a cliff. He ran right through it.

The Vatican has named its first-ever Native American saint. Her miracle was opening a casino without mob involvement.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system. 1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic. 1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Del. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect. 1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: "Oink,, I mean woof, woof!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer. I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 110? 2) The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children. 3) I don't like morning people... or mornings... or some people. 4) When I was married, there were two extra mysterious children who lived in my house. Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who. 5) You know you're old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 24th: Looking into your future, a new love will present itself this week. Don't get overly excited, they come with baggage just like the rest of us.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood lawyer activist 1830, Moss Hart dramatist 1904 Denise Levertov poet 1923, George Crumb composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham actor 1939, Kevin Kline actor 1947, Kweisi Mfume politician 1948, Wayne Rooney soccer player 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping in the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery store and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also. She then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady, who was a bit hard of hearing, said, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Life is set up all wrong. It should be the opposite of how we live now. Let's die first and get it out of the way. Then, we live in an old age home. We finally get kicked out because we're too young. So, we get a gold watch and go to work. We work forty years until we're young enough to enjoy retirement.

Now, we do drugs, drink alcohol, party and get ready for high school. We go to grade school, become kids, play and have no responsibilities. Then, we become a little babies and go back into the womb. We spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

Mr. Johnson's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The little boy said, "Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little pepper mintz. Remember, a man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows. Today's a fine day to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I enjoyed a great many laughs on the opening mono log. But you out did yourself on the New as U see it. That was great.
Loved the road runner and Halloween masks references.
Love that white horse in the ocean.

Good read, thanks for the entertainment.
PS: I am still trying to have faith enough to raise the dead!