Friday, October 26, 2012

This, That and The Other

This, that and the other is the phrase I'm struggling with today. I know for a fact I've done "that" before because I was there. Whether or not I'll do "this" depends on the amount of alcohol I consume. I'm relatively sure I've done "the other" a few times although I'm sure a whiskey fog was involved.

As for you, I'm sure you've done "that" and I'm betting you'd enjoy doing "this". For most of you, "the other" usually remains out of your grasp due to silly things like morality and legality.

That said, what I can't quite figure out if I've done "this", "that" and "the other" at the same time. I'm guessing that I have. Mom used to say that Dad did too.....

The News As I See It: Hurricane Sandy is on track to hit New York next week on Halloween, but it will only hit the houses that are giving out apples and raisins.

Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety.

The debates are over and all that's left to do is to set up and rig the voting machines.

According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.

In the World Series, the San Francisco Giants lead the Detroit Tigers 2-0. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.

Lindsay Lohan is endorsing Mitt Romney. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the all important shoplifter vote.

Apple unveiled their new iPad mini. It's got a 7.9-inch screen — two inches smaller than the regular iPad. Apple wanted to make it smaller in case you weren't squinting enough with the original iPad. I think that Apple is releasing products just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

Being a bit dyslexic, I tend to read information on the iPad mini as mini pad. Everytime I Google it, I get Kotex instead of Apple. 

Amelia Earhart, D.B.Cooper and Waldo walk into a bar and haven't been seen since.

This Date In History: 1774; The First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia. 1825; The Erie Canal, connecting Lake Erie to the Hudson River, opened. 1881; Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday were involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona.

1975; Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to pay an official visit to the United States. 1979; South Korean president Park Chung Hee was killed by the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency.

1994; Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty in a ceremony attended by President Clinton.

2002; Russian government forces stormed the Moscow theater held by Chechen rebels. More than 100 hostages were killed. 2005; The Chicago White Sox sweep the Houston Astros to win their first World Series in 88 years.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture is part of my past and I'm sure that there are many people whose thoughts will immediately bring fond memories. It's a time that requires more space than I have for today, but I'll readdress it in the coming days. The bottom line? You've either been there and done that or you've missed out on some great times.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study finds that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. 2) Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 3) I went to a bar with my girlfriend Wednesday night. Locals were shouting "cradle robber!" just because my girlfriend is 30 years younger than me. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 4) I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it. 5) I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years." He said "That's a mirror.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today. I do not think this horoscope means what you think it means. The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is - "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooof" - There's a bit of dog language mixed in there, but I haven't quite firgured out what that part means.

Birthdays: My pal Susan - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Domenico Scarlatti composer 1685, Beryl Markham aviator 1902, Francois Mitterrand political leader, president of France 1916, Bob Hoskins actor 1942, Pat Conroy writer 1945, Hillary Rodham Clinton lawyer and political figure 1947, Keith Urban singer 1967, Jon Heder actor 1977, Sasha Cohen figure skater 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Lisa for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey man, I think your girlfriend has gone home."

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She asks the artist, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replies, " Of course!" The woman said, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem. Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. The woman complains, "That doesn't look like them!' The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does and I'll prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first person off the street he can find which happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads her legs and asks, 'Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

That's it for today, my little lotus blossoms. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and possible early Halloween party. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Laughing @ the shoplifter vote.

Rose said...

Yes, a kind word alone does not go far.......................

jack69 said...

Good entry as usual. I could not get past the Ghost, the drunk, the sheet and the $hit.

Thanks for a great read.
jack & Sherry
PS:Glad you guys did not meet the Supercaine or what ever the newsy guys called it.

Julie said...

I loved the joke about the lecture the man was going to, I think Rick has been to a few of those, Ha.