Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I'll Be Watching You
In Jimmy's Journal, there's a section I refer to as "Printable Things I Never Told You." It is titled in this way because there are certain things that I wouldn't print, and if printed, could get me in far deeper trouble than I care to think about. There are, however, a few dumb things I have done in my time. One such instance happened to come to mind last evening after I almost managed to drop my car keys down an elevator shaft.
One evening, a young lass who shall remain nameless, accompanied me home after an evening of drinks in AREA 51. After parking my car, we walked to the front door of my apartment. I decided it would be funny that, in lieu of putting the key in the door, I'd used my "car clicker" to open the door. We both laughed and unknowingly, I opened the trunk to my car parked directly behind the apartment.
At that particular moment, my friend and neighbor happened to come walking around the corner and asked me if I knew the trunk of my Cadillac was open. I thanked him as he left (happy he didn't know why the trunk was open) and my friend and I went inside for some more drinks. A few hours later, we went to bed.
The next day was a bit difficult as we were both a bit hungover. We decided to go out to breakfast. After getting dressed, we headed for the door and I could not find my keys. After scouring the apartment, I figured that for some reason, I may have somehow left them in the car.
About that time, there was a knock on the door. I opened the door to find my same neighbor (who is also an occasional drinking buddy and a fine musician) standing there with a knowing grin on his face. He said, "Do you know your keys are still in the front door from last night?" I answered sheepishly, "No, but if you can hum a few bars, I'll try to play it."
The News As I See It: Joe Biden is taking no chances for his vice-presidential debate tomorrow with Paul Ryan. He took six days off to prepare. Six days off from what? Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him "like a cannonball." In response, Biden was like, "There’s gonna be a pool there?"
The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise. You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.
The average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years while the net worth of the average member of Congress has gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything. They're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.
Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.
The number one movie in the country is "Taken 2." It has made fifty million dollars. In this sequel, Liam Neeson's ex-wife is taken hostage. Divorced guys are calling it "the feel-good film of the year."
Facebook is adding a new thing, called the "want" button. We've given Facebook so much personal information. At this point, shouldn't it already know what we want before we push that button? Facebook should stick to doing what they do best, which is letting you know that your friends from high school got fat and bald.
One fifth of Americans now claim to have no religious affiliation. No one's exactly sure why this is happening. I think a lot of people stopped believing in God when they turned on the TV and saw Honey Boo Boo.
This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Maryland. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, New York. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China.
1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway. 1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain.
1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70. 2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.
Picture Of The Day: The beautiful wolf, often maligned and once hunted as a predator, has made a significant come back.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do today. 2) As it turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire. 3) Eat cake! It's somebody's birthday somewhere. 4) I've never heard a southern man say, "Duct tape won't fix that." 5) I was dyslexci as a chlid and wrote about it in my dairy.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 10th: Temptation looms high today as you suddenly notice that your colleague has rather a nice ass and appears to make you need to stare at it. Drinking alcohol may well turn today into an entertaining tryst. Try to ensure that you wear the underwear with the really strong elastic.
Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau, painter 1684, Henry Cavendish, physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West, painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi, composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw, soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes, actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti, sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan, novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk, jazz pianist 1917.
James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer, novelist 1924, Harold Pinter, dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen, actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton, actress 1956, Tanya Tucker, country singer 1958, Brett Favre, football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr., auto racer 1974, Mya singer, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it had better be there!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt." Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her ass. The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing and bends over. Her husband yells, "Who the hell is BOB?!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
A farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is yer pa home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he sure ain't. He went to town." The farmer said, "Well, is yer ma home?" The boy answered, "No sir, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." The farmer asked, "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" The boy replied, "No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The young boy inquired politely, "Is there anything I kin do fer ya'? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
The farmer said uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment and said, "You'll have to talk to pa about that. I know that pa charges $500 stud fees for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. The devil says, "I don't know what to do here. You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. Obama said. "No, I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. Obama says, "No, this is no good, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, it's smarter to fight a bear than argue with a woman with PMS. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !