Friday, October 19, 2012
Lost At Sea (Without Leaving Port)
I watched a movie recently about a couple who got lost in an old and very large castle in England and found myself annoyed at their inability to find their way out. That is, until I remembered the evening I attended the Carnival Cruise Lines employee Christmas party aboard a ship whose name I cannot recall, but will refer to as the "Ecstasy".
I went there with my sister who worked for the company and food and drinks were all on the house. Dinner and drinks was the first thing on the agenda and afterwards we went to a small piano bar to listen to the music.
Since my sister is younger and single, she wanted to go to a more active party and I decided I'd remain in the piano bar. We were theoretically tethered by our cell phones and the plan was for us to meet at her bar at the end of the party and then leave the ship together.
The keyword of this story is "free scotch" and I took full advantage of the offer. After talking a bit to the piano, we found we had a fellow musician friend in common and he invited me to sing a few songs with him. Besides having fun, the singing opportunity allowed me to meet a few of his lady friends.
Needless to say, the evening went very well until it was announced over the ships intercom that the party was ending and to prepare to leave the ship. This was also the time that I remembered I had a sister.
The bar where my sister was at was almost empty but I did see one of her girlfriends who advised me that she had left the ship. My spiritual advisor Johnny Walker Black suggested that this was rather rude as I was only one hour late.
My cell phone rang and my sister asked me where I was. It was then that I realized that I had no idea where I was, the floor I was on, the elevator location and more importantly, where to get off the ship. I was sure, however, that I was still in Miami.
Fortunately, Sis was also rather inebriated but I assure you that I wandered the corridors of the ship for an hour trying to find out how to get off the ship. (If you scroll down my journal, you will see a picture of me, scotch in hand, on that particular night).
The News As I See It: A CNN poll said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off.
The debate questions came from undecided voters and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket.
Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through "binders full of women." Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise.
Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates and Larry King has never heard of the Internet.
It was reported that $100 million worth of priceless art was stolen from a museum in Holland. If it's $100 million worth of priceless art, it is not really priceless, is it?
This Date In History: 1781; British General Cornwallis surrendered to General George Washington at Yorktown, Va., bringing an end to the last major battle of the American Revolution. 1812; French troops under Napoleon Bonaparte began their retreat from Moscow.
1960; The United States imposes a partial embargo on goods exported to Cuba. 1983; The Senate passed a bill making Martin Luther King's birthday a public holiday.
1987; The stock market crashed on what came to be known as "Black Monday." Stocks dropped a record 22.6 percent ushering in the Great Depression. Worse, it also gave Barack Obama a reference point for 937 speeches explaining why his economic policies have failed for four years.
Picture Of The Day: Bringing home some dinner.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty. 2) People are starting to take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke. 3) Never ask for directions from a starfish. 4) Rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 5) My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading my lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 19th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. This may cause your hair to hurt and your teeth to become soft. Fret not, for the effects are not unlike drinking a six pack on an empty stomach.
Birthdays: Thomas Browne, author and physician 1605, Edmund Beecher Wilson zoologist 1856, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown baseball player 1876, Lewis Mumford social philosopher 1895, Jack Anderson newspaper columnist 1922, John le Carré novelist 1931, John Lithgow actor 1945, Philip Pullman writer 1946, Evander Holyfield boxer 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked his doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor replied, "Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."
So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?" He sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." She hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "Is there anything else you'd like?" Mendel said, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "what is it?" Mendel said. "Maybe a little biscuit?"
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "What the hell happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "Damn! What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party."
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "Please God, let this be a teabag."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy declared, "My Father is better than your Father!" Little Johnny said, "No, he's not!" Billy said, "My brother is better than you brother!" Little Johnny screamed, "He is not! He is not!"
Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!" A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."
President Obama is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." Obama says, "No, that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." Obama explains, "I'm afraid not. That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Obama searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Obama, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Obama exclaims, "Correct, that's right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Little Johnny said, "Because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. Little Johnny's mother asked when they returned home, "so, how was it?
Little Johnny replied Great! His mother asked, "Did you and your father have a good time?" Little Johnny said, "Yeah, Daddy really liked it, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1."
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, they say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. So, I'd be concerned if the family dog takes the car keys and drives to Arizona. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and a little karaoke. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !