Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Bit Of Christmas Gift Advice

They're baaack! Pajamagrams and Snuggies have returned to the commercial air waves. Yes men, if you really want to impress your wife or girlfriend (or both), this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds, gold chains and bracelets, she'll flip out when she receives her pajamagram or snuggie for Christmas. You, on the other hand, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.

But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a pajamagram or snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a snuggie or pajamagram

Sure, snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for around $15-20. But If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price of a snuggie.

And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that pajamagram to your lover. Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a pajamagram or a snuggie.....

The News As I See It: A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody. The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.

More problems for Lindsay Lohan, Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.

The latest report from the U.S. Census Bureau is out. For the first time, more people are moving away from California than are moving to California. People are leaving California in droves. To the people leaving California, I give you the traditional California farewell: "Adios, amigos." I'm not that surprised people are leaving California. People want to escape the earthquakes, the mudslides, the Kardashians and the Honey Boo Boos.

Honey Boo Boo, the fat little redneck girl, is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012." Walter's list goes way back to her first show when the first and second most fascinating people were the Wright brothers.

Al-Qaida's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Manny Pacquiao got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round of Saturday's fight in Las Vegas. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Big deal...who hasn't passed out face first in Las Vegas? Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, "You lost for the same reason I did — young Hispanics."

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first black in the U.S. House of Representatives.

1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre. 1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain.

1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: There's nothing quite as neat as to see a magnificent horse literally "kicking up his heels."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dear Santa, For 2012, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix up the two like you did last year. 2) A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40. 3) I'm not a muffin top exactly. I'm more like a busted can of biscuits. 4) She said that she had been married three times. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 5) My girlfriend has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 12th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Love hides in strange places but then again, so do spiders. Either one could be waiting for you in strange places.

Birthdays: My pals Frank and Magaly - Happy Birthday! 19XX, John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805. Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs to the driver, "Pull over!" The blonde yelled back, "No, Scarf!"

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch.

After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

.....and furthermore, this is our beach!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories/

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, don't ponder over world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

No thanks, I'll pass on the snuggies! Don't need them here in Florida anyway.

I'll take the diamonds!

jack69 said...

If that is the hand towel size, IMMA thinking that is still too much towel!

I enjoyed you call on the Mayans doing some last minute shopping, that one was good.
Take care. We are gonna support Orlando for a few weeks.
Good read....

jack69 said...

PS: And the 4 guys in the boat, they's rite!