Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas !

Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. Then, when you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why are you're there, you don't panic.

Rather, you stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position hoping to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, you learn not to wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter. The best part is that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....

The News As I See It: Obama announced that he's giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he asked, "But not Santa, right?"

There's a photo going around with Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, "Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?" And the kid was like, "Shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?" The kid was really excited to meet Obama, while Joe Biden was really excited to meet Spider-Man.

I went to see "Lincoln" and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.

A Michigan lawyer has been arrested for manufacturing crystal meth in his office. I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.

As we get closer to Christmas, the Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night to buy a tree. The tag said, "Needles sold separately."

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber.

1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee. 1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal.

1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: The Lynx

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 2) For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls. 3) Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 4) A man voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas. 5) Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 24th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. If it's a nice gift and there's no return address on it, it's from me. Merry Christmas! It took hours to find the perfect gift for you.

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1809, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Christmas and Hanukkah holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, in addition to Hanukkah, they have Yom Kippur and Passover. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?" The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date - April 1st!"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty luxury cars?" The guy replied, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Lexus?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. He said to his wife, "I think it's raining." She replied, "No, that felt more like snow to me." He went on, "No, I'm sure it was just rain."

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. The husband said, "Let's not fight about it. let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?" He replied, "It's raining, of course" and walked on.

The woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which the husband quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ.

One day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I have been in jail. Sam exclaimed, "Jail? What in the world for?"

Russ said, "You know Susie, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?" Sam said, 'Yeah, I remember her. What about her?" Russ said, "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' The judge gave me 30 days for perjury." 

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. That's it for now. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Thanks for a great Christmas Eve read.Loved the jokes but I am especially enjoying the printable things...
I liked the first part, but I cannot remember what it was about. But I remember I liked it.

Sorta like sex I think.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU I hope you get what you wished for, the list, I know, not Schindlers!

Linda's World said...

Merry Christmas to you and the creature that shares your home. Being a Capricorn I was happy to get a mystery package in the mail today. Really I was a 2013 calendar from my friends in South Australia. They send me one every year but usually it comes in I was surprised when the mailman brought it to my door today.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Happy Christmas and a very happy New Year Ally

Sugar said...

Merry Christmas!