Monday, December 10, 2012

Where's Bob Costas When You Need Him?

From CNN Blogs comes the following promo: "On the heels of a second NFL player losing his life in an off-the-field incident, tonight Piers Morgan welcomes Bob Costas to offer his insightful perspective and peerless expertise on the social dynamics pulsating through America's most popular sports league."

Huh? "Insightful perspective and peerless expertise"? Are we talking about the same Bob Costas (Ph.D.?) who recently had an on-air tirade on subject matter he clearly doesn't understand? How about some "insightful perspective" on the cause of death of Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jerry Brown?

No gun was involved Saturday when Dallas Cowboy defensive tackle Josh Brent was apparently at the wheel in an accident that killed practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown, so NBC’s Bob Costas– and for that matter Kansas City sports writer Jason Whitlock – provided no diatribe about a "drunk driving culture."

Bob Costas observed Sunday that, "Drinking and driving is a societal problem to be sure, but it's perhaps even more difficult to understand when it involves a football player. There are systems in place, including a 'safe rides' program through the NFL Players Association, to help prevent situations like the one that ended Brown's life. Any NFL player can just pick up a phone and arrange a ride, if he feels he's impaired."

In the interim, Jerry Brown is just as dead as if he had been shot and Brent is facing criminal charges.

The News As I See It: Prince William's wife, Kate, has been released from the hospital after suffering from severe morning sickness. Doctors told her take it easy, no strenuous activity, and don't go to work. In other words, just act like a member of the royal family.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom.

The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap.

It's Christmas in New York City or as shoplifters call it, "the show." Everybody's in a good mood in New York. I saw two strangers there sharing a cab. One took the tires, one took the radio.

The "world's oldest woman",116 years old, passed away. That title is cursed. Her last words were, "My chute won't open!"

There are now 20 million people in America who do yoga, none of whom ever shut up about the fact that they do yoga.

This Date In History: 1817; Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. 1869; The territory of Wyoming authorized women to vote and hold office. 1901; The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace.

1948; The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 1950; Dr. Ralph Bunche became the first black to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 1964; Martin Luther King received the Nobel Peace Prize.

1999; Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested and charged with stealing classified information. 2004; A U.S. passenger jet landed in Vietnam, the first one to do so since the Vietnam War ended nearly three decades earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The puppy has decided to adopt the cat, much to the cat's chagrin. It's just a front, though. Cats adore attention.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. You never know what's going to burn your ass. 2) NASA would be a lot more popular if once in a while they'd fight some Klingons. 3) If you quit school, just remember two things. You tried your best and I don't like pickles on my Big Mac. 4) Old age in the 21st century is when Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) The old gray males, they ain't what they used to be !.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 10th: Halitosis can be very offensive, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Keep Tic-Tacs in your pocket to offer the person with the bad breath. If the aroma lingers, take one yourself.

Birthdays: Thomas Gallaudet, educator of the deaf 1787, Emily Dickinson, American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, library pioneer 1851, Chet Huntley, news broadcaster 1911, Dorothy Lamour, actress 1914, Douglas Kenney, humorist 1947, Kenneth Branagh, actor, director 1960, Raven-Symoné, actress, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?" The bartender replies, "Nope, he owns the place."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father said, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

A clergyman was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Barack Obama walks into a Washington, D.C. bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little missle toes. Remember, you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I agree with your intro mono-log that is for sure. Love that puppy cat shot. And I hate it that anyone had created an other politician.

If that retroactive condom thing works for Arnold, I want to try it!!!
From this end of the Turnpike!!
Sherry & Jack.